Are we there yet?

After a considerable delay, I've come to grips with the fact that The SEC and Everyone Else will not be a year round blog. I wasn't aware how much time I spent not working and ignoring my wife during football season until I realized that I didn't have any time to dedicate to this thing in the “off season”. That said, with the release of NCAA Football 2010 less than six weeks away, it's time to shake off the rust and start getting ready for the next season.

Some thoughts:

• How is Tim Tebow not a douche? He had time to go to an Orlando Magic game, but not to the Softball World Series where his fellow Gators were getting destroyed by the better and more attractive UW squad. Jake Locker had time to go to the game. In all fairness, Jake is dating a player, Orlando is closer to home, and Dwight Howard did need to be circumcised, but you got to make it to championship games if your the face of the nation. (NOTE: I will not call it “Women's Softball” since there is not an equivalent male sport. I also refuse to call female players “Lady” anything. It causes all kind of problems with mascots like “Bulls”. What's a “Lady Bull”, a transsexual?)

• JoPa is a kooky old dude, but I really like how he called for expansion of the Big Eleven while simultaneously dissing the Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes. He did back off a little later on expansion, but maybe he forgot his meds that day.

• Most sports writers smoke crack, just some more than others. In a recent article explaining how expansion might work, Andy Staples proposed that the Big Easy, were it looted of Syracuse or Rutgers, would look to pick up Central Florida or MEMPHIS. That's right, Tiger High, or as The Voice likes to call them, Memphis State. The rationale was clearly proof of drug use, stay with me, FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL! You're kidding right, this is the football team that went 6-7, lost to football powerhouses Rice and Marshall, and played in a bowl sponsored by a phone jack. Also, if you're not paying attention, the basketball program lost their coach to Kentucky. Thus, Memphis Basketball is as dead in the water as Louisville Football.

• If Lane Kiffin isn't infinitely better as a college coach than he was in the pros, he'll be buried under a deer stand in eastern Tennessee by the end of hunting season. He's a walking embarrassment for the Vols right now that can only turn into “colorful” by winning 10+ games every year (see Spurrier, Steve)

Stay tuned for more, I'm just getting started...

And the draft moves on...

Is it me, or is Berman getting really annoying and is Keyshawn better than you'd expect?

• Brian Cushing (USC) - Houston:  Did he kinda seem like a dick?  Maybe I just hate USC, and I do hate USC, but he really seemed like a dick.
• Larry English (NIU) - San Diego:  Isn't being a great player at Northern Illinois kinda like being the hottest chick at Mississippi State?  I'm just sayin'.
• Josh Freeman (KSU) - Tampa Bay:  The Bucs now have 10% of the NFL QBs on active rosters.  Tall, slow, bad decisions...now that's a Tampa QB.  Right now Chris Simms is like, "AND THEY LET ME GO!"
• Robert Ayers (Tenn) - Denver:  Ayers has one more year as a starter in the SEC than I do.  That means either fresh legs or wasn't good enough to be a starter.  Who was he behind for three years?  Nobody?  Uh oh.
• Jeremy Maclin (Mizzou) - Philly:  Who is this guy, Catchy Smurf?  Here's hoping he's Tory Holt for his sake, and Troy Williamson for those who hate the Iggles (like I do).
• Brandon Pettigrew (OSU) - Detroit:  Going from Stillwater to Detroit.  Only a Mississippi State player could find this to be an upgrade more than an OSU player.
• Alex Mack (Cal) - Cleveland: How excited can one get about a center.  I'm sorry.
• Percy Harvin (UF) Minnesota:  Thug Life!  This cat is almost standing up and waving a red flag.  Maybe he'll run over a traffic cop too.
• Michael Oher (Ole Miss) - Baltimore:  Did you know he was homeless?  Joe Flacco just shed a tear since this will keep him off his ass about 20 times less per year.
• Peria Jerry (Ole Miss) - Atlanta:  Two Ole Miss players in the first round.  Hottie Toddy.  Atlanta just got themselves a manchild.
• Vontae Davis (Illinois) - Miami:  I don't think his family and friends were happy about him being drafted.  If Parcells drafts you at corner, you're probably pretty good.
• Clay Matthews (USC) - Green Bay: How does a man that big have a 35.5 inch vertical?  Keep in mind this kid walked on at USC and then earned a starting job.  I think he'll do just fine.
• Donald Brown (UConn) - Indianapolis: So for conversions sake, 2000 yards in the Big East is like 800 in SEC yards.  The non-running of the Colts continues.
• Eric Wood (UL) - Buffalo: Don't look now, it's a run on the Big east.  It may be my imagination, but Buffalo is looking pretty good right now.
• Hakeem Nicks (UNC) - New York (G):  This kid is 11th in UNC history in receiving yards despite leaving early.  If he doesn't shoot himself in the leg, he might surprise you...
• Kenny Britt (RU) - Nashville:  Did you know that Jerry Rice wasn't fast?  If I hear that one more time, I'm going to vomit.  I was slow too, does that make me a good pick?
• Beanie Wells (OSU) - Phoenix:  How is this kid on the board this late?
• Ziggy Hood (Mizzou) - Pitt:  If nothing else, this kid has the best name in the draft.  A bit of a reach.

That's all I got.  I'll check in again soon.  Peace, love and souuuul...

More Draft Thoughts

And we move on...

• B.J. Raji (BC) - Green Bay:  Good for him.  I got nothing on this kid.  Does BC still have a team?  Oh, that's the other Boston school.  Sorry.
• Michael Crabtree (TTU) - San Francisco:  His snubbing by Oakland might make his career.  To paraphrase the movie Major League, "got news for you Mr. Davis, you haven't heard the last of me. You may think I'm shit now, but someday you're gonna be sorry you didn’t draft me. I'm gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I play against you I'm gonna stick it up you're f*ckin' ass!”
• Aaron Maybin (PSU) - Buffalo:  "Hey Aaron, good news and bad news.  The good news is that you're rich, the bad news is that your rich in Buffalo, NY".
• Knowshon Moreno (UGA) - Denver:  Did anyone but me see the butt crack on the woman in the pink in Knowshon Moreno's living room?  Two picks for UGA in the first 12 picks.  Good for them.
• Brian Orakpo (UT) - DC:  The racist-ass named Redskins picked like they were afraid someone was going to take the pick away.  With Albert Haynesworth and Orakpo, the Redskins might be a factor.
• Malcolm Jenkins (OSU) - New Orleans:  Maybe now the Saint's won't hemorrhage touchdown passes to the opposing offense.

Keep posted for the rest of the first round...

Draft Thoughts...

I'm back bitches.  After a long layoff, I'm back to tell you what you should think about the draft.  For the none of you who are checking in during the draft, I'm on a 2 hour delay (thank you to Jeff B for having a house warming party on draft day).  For everyone else, here's the draft through the eyes of a drunk...

• Matt Stafford (UGA) - Detroit:  Somewhere out there, Ryan Leaf, Tim Couch, and Akili Smith are watching the draft going "He's one of us!"
  
• Jason Smith (Baylor) - St. Louis:  Got to go OT if you suck as bad as the Rams.
  
• Tyson Jackson (LSU) - Kansas City:  How do you only get 4.5 sacks as an SEC DE.  That's all I'm saying.  That is a problem, especially for a team with 10 sacks last year (NFL record low).
  
• Aaron Curry (Wake) - Seattle:  On the upside, Curry is a very mature young man and a solid performer for years to come.  On the down side, they need a quarterback in a bad way.  Better hope that goofy looking bald dude stays healthy.
  
• Mark Sanchez (USC) - New York (J): The Jets got the dirty Sanchez.  Just like the break up sex you have with your ex, you have to go with the dirty Sanchez.
  
• Andre Smith (UA) - Cincinnati:  I have to congratulate the Bengals in picking one of the few top draft picks who might embarrass himself enough to get people to stop talking about Ocho Cinco.
  
• Darrius Hayward-Bey (UMD) - Oakland:  I have come to the realization that the Crypt Keeper has decided to burn the franchise to the ground.  Good for him.
  
• Eugene Monroe (UVA) - Jacksonville:  How bad was Michael Crabtree's interview?  You keep hearing about it, but how bad is it that two WR needy teams pass on you.  What happened, did he answer a question about the receiving tree with "I don't know that shit, keeping it real!"
  

More to come...

Just five more minutes mom...

Ok, I'll admit it, basketball season just doesn't make me want to run to the computer and post on the ole blog. Judging by the lack of posts from my co-conspiritors, it's not inspiriing anyone. That said, I wanted to make a few points about the NCAA men's tournament:

• The tournament committee really needs to reconsider their history of giving home court advantage to the teams that live near large metro areas. It's patently unfair to let teams like 'Nova, UNC-CH, and Duke play virtual home games while so many other teams have to travel the country. To add insult to injury, only two sites for the whole tournament were in southern states. Of those, Greensboro is in ACC country and the other, Havana North (aka. Miami) isn't really in the south. As shitty as basketball in the SEC was this year, can we at least get a regional in Birmingham or something?
• Why is it that the number of selections from non-BCS conferences is going down while the number of good schools is going up. No offense, but did we really need to see Tennessee lose early again at the expense of St. Marys?
• Wake losing to Cleveland State made my milleneum. CLEVELAND F*CKING STATE!!
• How many brakets would have been destroyed if Sienna and Texas didn't lose it in the last five minutes?
• I honestly believe that Texas got called for a foul for "Not being Duke".

I'm not dead, I'm just sleeping...

After a long hiatus, yours truly is about ready to get back in the swing of things. There are a lot of things to talk about:

• The SEC dominates in recruiting (again) with 10 teams in the Rivals.com top 25 (sorry Vandy, UK).
• On a related note, the luster seems to be fading on the The Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes in the recruiting arena. You just thought they sucked with top 10 recruiting classes...
• The NFL draft is coming up, so let's see which school will garner the distinction of placing a ton of guys in the draft despite not even vaguely competing for a national championship (I'm looking at you Maryland).
• It's time to officially start paying attention to college basketball.
• It's almost time to start paying attention to college baseball.
• Spring games anyone?

Funniest Wikipedia entry ever...

For those who watched the national championship game and wished you could mute the announcers (specifically Thom Brennaman):

The last line was reportedly added to Mr. Brennaman's listing shortly after the game. Beautiful.

All's well that ends well. Or at least it’s ended...

It's that dreaded time of the year again. College football season has ended. It could be worse...it could be July. In the next week we'll hand out our soon to be annual awards and turn our attention to football recruiting and college basketball. A few quick thoughts:

• My mother is a big fan of the whole bird in the hand being worth two birds in the bush colloquialism. I guess she doesn't think one bird would be enough or something. Based upon the actions of Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, and Tim Tebow, I'm guessing that they are not fans of that expression. Who knew that Mark "Dirty" Sanchez would be the only one with the common sense to get on the market while the getting is good? I'm not saying that the three I mentioned made a mistake by staying; there are a lot of pros to staying (e.g., experience, championships, banging hot college chicks). My fear is that one of them will go Brian Brohm and actually fall in their senior year despite playing well just because their team under performs. Worse, one might get hurt. While I realize that injury isn't entertained in the minds of 18-22 year old young men, it's still possible. My feeling is that kids go to college to get a good job. Pro-quarterback is a good job.
  
• Right after the economy is doing ok, President Obama has to get us that eight team playoff.
  
• The "national championship game" was remarkable. That remark is that Fox should be required by law to hire college football commentators to broadcast the game. It was shocking that Thom Brennaman was able to announce the whole game with Tim Tebow's junk in his mouth.
  

Well that was interesting!

[Note to BCS honchos and cartel-mongers: if you invite Texas to one of your sporting events, you're guaranteed a thrilling finish. It's in the by-laws.]

Me oh my. The Todd Boeckman-Terrelle Pryor carousel nearly works (amazingly), Blake Gideon does a bunch of stupid crap that almost costs Texas the game (much less amazingly), and Colt McCoy delivers on a jaw-dropping final drive.

As for Ohio State, it's somehow fitting that the most ballyhooed defense in recent memory got burned on a blitz playing man coverage... and that they missed a tackle allowing the final score. They don't deserve all the can't-win-big-games nonsense, but they're gonna be buried with it now. Also sadly apropos is that Beanie Wells started strong... and ended the game on the bench apparently not quite sure where he was.

And Quan Cosby? He's given me two of my favorite plays this year: (1) the TD that just won this game, and (2) this utter annihilation of Lendy Holmes back in October:



Texas frankly has no argument for the MNC after this game--if anyone should bitch it's Utah--but it's a great win and gives them two outta three against the Buckeyes. Not many teams can claim that.

Thoughts on Upcoming Acorn-Bovine Matchup

In no particular order... I think Ohio State has a very good chance in this one, having witnessed the two previous tOSU-Texas matchups in person:

Conference bowl records mean bupkus. Michigan State, Wisconsin, and Northwestern all lost their bowls, you say? Ohio State beat all three on the road, shithammering Sparty and the Wildcats. Texas Tech and Oklahoma State lost their bowls, you say? Tech didn't want to be there (the Cotton Bowl is the mother of all Disappointments Bowls; the Big XII representative usually doesn't want to be there), and Okie State got their best WR and their QB injured against Oregon. The conferences aren't playing one another here. Throw all that best-conference nonsense out.

I daresay Ohio State, with its 7th-rated defense, is capable of shutting down the Texas running game--the non-Colt McCoy-related parts, that is. Texas has struggled to get a Colt-free running game going against Kansas, A&M, Tech, etc etc. See link for an illuminating discussion/vent on this problem. Look, if Texas couldn't get going against aggy, they may never get going against Ohio State. And a one-dimensional Texas is not likely to win this game. Let me put it another way: if OSU DC Jim Heacock started studying the UT running game about 12PM on December 8th, he probably devised a pretty good scheme to stop it by 12:45PM or so on December 8th.

Beanie versus the Texas secondary. Beanie Wells is going to make a lot of money in the NFL very soon. See video footage with ridiculous shitty soundtrack:



Texas' front seven has to contain him, like Penn State's defense did, because if he gets loose in the Texas secondary it's going to be a bad night for the Horns. Blake Gideon, Deon Beasley, and Ryan Palmer are not likely to make a lot of money in the NFL. And if KU's Angus Quigley can knock Gideon out, I'm pretty sure Wells can put half the Texas secondary in the hospital.

Can OSU disrupt the Colt-Jordan mindmeld thingy that they've got going? Colt has been able to find Jordan all year, almost whenever he needs him. Other than a few very uncharacteristic drops in the first half against Texas Tech, Jordan has been money. If tOSU can find a way to erase Jordan, and make Colt hold the ball a beat longer, Texas could be in trouble. If not, Colt will pick them apart, and if they try to roll a safety over Shipley's way, Colt will toss it to Brandon Collins, James Kirkendoll, or Malcolm Williams. All have shown flashes of being very good third receivers (e.g., Collins against Missouri, Williams against Mizzou and Tech).

Since insomnia is the name of the game lately, I'm sure I'll have drunken incoherent rant after the game. I'm guessing somebody is going to win this one about 27-19. I honestly don't know which team.

The Arrogance Continues

Certain things are always true regarding University of Alabama football:

1. They spend more money than anyone else on coaches, staff, etc. (read between the lines here).
2. They don't realize Bryant died 26 years ago.
3. They think they invented college football and have never lost a game.
3. They think "lesser" teams should bow down to them because they are Alabama.

Add that arrogance to Nick Saban's personal arrogance and you have the perfect storm.

An unprepared and unmotivated Alabama team got stomped by Utah last night in the Sugar Bowl. Why? Because Utah should have bowed down and thanked the lords of all things college football for being so kind to actually step on the same field with them. At least this is what Alabama's coaches, players, band, pets, fans, etc. thought.

Utah thought differently.

Utah came out and slapped Alabama in the mouth. Then they spit in their eye. Then they jacked Alabama's nose and made their eyes water.... and they didn't stop until the game clock read 0:00. Alabama even got their usual favorable calls from the officials. Utah didn't care. They slapped them again. The Utes did more to validate the need for a playoff than any team yet. Good for them, and congratulations on a spectacular season.

Yawner In Pasadena

Penn State got whooped. Who didn't see that coming? I can't think of anything from the game worth mentioning.

What I did learn from the ABC/ESPN broadcast is that Brent Musberger and Meshawn Johnson have actually written a few books. Listed below are a few:

How Pete Carroll Cured Cancer - Musberger
How Pete Carroll Invented Football - Musberger
Dynasty: The Story of USC's 10 Super Bowl Titles - Johnson
Why USC's Defense Is Better Than the 1985 Bears - Musberger
Elway vs. Sanchez.... Give Me Sanchez Any Day! - Johnson
How Pete Carroll Changed My Life - Musberger

Big Televen: 1

Big Televen Opponents: 5

The only remaining bowl for the Big Televen is against Texas. Texas is looking to show they should be playing Florida. Ohio State just wants to prove they belong in this game. Advantage: Texas.

Oops, I Left One Out

Due to the Insight Bowl being broadcast on the NFL Network (a network that most people including myself don't get) I forgot to include it in my Big Televen bowl count.

These bowls have gotten out of hand. When a 7 win team and an 8 win team each from a major conference are playing in something called the Insight Bowl something has gone horribly wrong. When a 7 win team and an 8 win team each from a major conference are playing in a bowl being broadcast by the NFL Network something has gone horribly wrong.

At any rate Kansas knocked off team lutefisk by 3 touchdowns.

Big Televen: 1

Big Televen Opponents: 4

A Gift Rejected

In the first half of the Capital One Bowl (formerly the Citrus Bowl before the credit card company with quite possibly the most annoying commercials on Earth bought it) the UGA Bulldogs did everything possible to give the game to Michigan State. The Spartans however did not sign for delivery of receipt of package.

To those of use that rabidly follow the SEC this should come as no surprise. No team in the conference plays to the level of their opponent more often than UGA. Bulldogs play a decent 2nd half and win 24 to 12. I would also like to point out UGA is ranked 15 and Sparty is ranked 18.

Big Televen: 1

Big Televen Opponents: 3

USC We Hardly Knew Ye

No I am not referring to the USC that first held classes in 1880. I am talking about the one established in 1805. Being 75 years older firmly establishes the proper USC in Columbia, South Carolina. But I digress. I give USC all the credit in the world for having the most balls in college football. Steve Spurrier's team went against all conventional wisdom, logic, sanity, etc. and decided to play today's Outback Bowl without an offense.

Being very confused by this I decided to give Spurrier a call at half time to ask why. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Coach, it is well documented throughout your coaching career that you are all about offense, why did you decide to leave your offense in Columbia today?

Spurrier: Well you know. You have to block tackle and we didn't do that well today. I don't know much I'm just a ball coach. Knock knock?

Me: Who's there?

Spurrier: Unemployed.

Me: Unemployed who?

Spurrier: Unemployed Fulmer, I can't get another job! You know the decision to fire him was made after I beat him for the umpteenth time?

Me: Yes, I did. Congratulations on that milestone. Thank you for your time, Coach.

Ok, I made the exchange with Coach Spurrier up and USC did actually bring their offense today.... but it sure was hard to tell.

Big Televen: 1

Big Televen Opponents: 2

I do need to give Iowa credit, they manned up and whipped USC all over the field. Then again, they are from Iowa. What else have they had to do the past month other than prepare for this game?

An Alamo Classic

In the first half of play the Northwestern Wildcats played a great half of football. A breakdown in kick coverage was the only big mistake, but it was a costly. Mizzou looked confused on both sides of the ball, credit the Wildcat game plan. Mizzou made some big mental errors. The offsides penalties were costly. Tied at the half. Not what many were expecting, but these teams are very closely ranked.

Now to the second half. The Mizzou offense made adjustments and moved the ball better but continued to make mistakes. With that said the Northwestern defense played very disciplined against Mizzou's misdirection.

With five minutes and change, down by 3 Mizzou get good field position and a chance to take the lead and control. Daniel was not sharp and the offense became one dimensional. Northwestern's defense came up big and forced a field goal. I must say that Wolfert can really kick. Tie ball game.

Northwestern ball on their own 20 with over 2 1/2 minutes to play. They moved the ball to a manageable 3rd down but were forced to punt.

1:32 to play, Mizzou ball on their own 34. The Wildcat defense did a great job keeping the ball in the middle of the field to keep the clock moving, but a costly facemask penalty put Mizzou in field goal position. Missed field goal, here comes overtime. I don't care what anyone says, Wolfert can still kick. How big is that Northwestern missed extra point now?

Missouri gets the ball first. Their offense was sharp. On the final play of the drive Daniel juggled the shotgun snap but still fired it in for a touchdown pass to Maclin.

Northwestern gave no quarter and moved the ball to the 9. The defense stepped up, forcing a 3rd down. Mizzou dialed up a jailbreak blitz which forced a fumble which was luckily recovered by the offense. The bad news, a loss back to the 31 yard line. The Hail Mary prayer pass was not answered.

Big Televen: 0

Big Televen Opponents: 2

I have to give credit to Northwestern. I didn't think this game would be close. They played with heart, determination, and poise. Tonight they were just a little short.

It Begins....

Early bowl results: Wisconsin (from that overrated midwest conference that ESPN wants everyone to believe is relevant) is losing 35-6 early in the 4th quarter. I'm betting there will be no comeback.

Big Televen: 0

Big Televen Opponents: 1

The only way a Big Televen school wins a bowl this year is if they actually have more team speed than their opponent. Remaining opponents are: Missouri, Kansas, South Carolina, Georgia, USC, and Texas. Looks like it will be a long bowl season in the land of lutefisk. Score update: with 11:04 to play it is FSU: 42 Wisconsin: 6. Nuff said.

A Brief Rant

I know I don't post much... it is my problem, I'll deal with it. A couple things have my dander up. Surly hit on them in his latest post but I'm going to go another step.

Go away Boise State. Go far away and don't ever come back. No, I will not say please or ask nicely. Note to the media: that running back that proposed to the cheerleader is graduating so give it a rest. The only thing on ESPN more tired than that story is Chris Berman with his vexatious noises. Winning one big bowl game does not put you in heavyweight class. You know what it makes you? It makes you that annoying kid down the street that thumps his chest, runs his mouth and has a lisp. Want to overcome this? Sure you do, and I'll tell you how. Listen very carefully. DON'T LOSE TO T.C. FRIGGIN' U.! Oh, but they are ranked #11! Yeah, and they beat nobody. They played two tough games and lost both. What is your next argument going to be, that TCU is in a state that has BCS teams? You can't get in 21 Club without a tie and you don't get respect unless you behave like a BCS team. You played one decent BCS team this season (Oregon) and barely won. If you want people to take you seriously play all your non-conference games against BCS teams. Ok, I'm finished with Boise. I'm even going to give that wretched blue turf a pass...... this time.

In keeping with the go away theme I must mention Memphis State. Who is Memphis State? Well, if you live outside Shelby County, TN you probably didn't know they have a football team. Judging from the number of tickets they sold to their bowl - less than 400 - no, I'm not kidding - their "fans" don't know they have a football team either. Now that I think about it they really have gone away. Sorry for wasting your time.

Good night and God bless.

Thoughts on the Bowl Season Thus Far…

After a short layoff, I'm back to give my thoughts on the bowl season thus far. Nothing like a few days at the in-laws house to encourage hiding out at a coffee house to update your blog.

• It's hard to beat a team twice in one season. Though Navy made a valiant effort to beat Wake for a second time, they couldn't pull it off, losing by ten at home (basically). That said, having a quarterback with an unpronounceable name (for most mainlanders) can't help. Let's face it, by the time you yell "Hey Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada, I'm open", the play's probably over.
  
• Who thought the New Mexico Bowl would be entertaining? Let's face it, the only things the NM bowl had coming into it were a) The fact that it wasn't sponsored by a phone jack, and b) those funny Aliens inspired commercials with the uncomfortable office banter. Seriously, the only way I thought this would be a good game was if we could get the 2000 Rams and 2001 Bulldogs into a DeLorean converted into a time machine. That said, it was a pretty good showing by the Rams who might actually be on the way back to mid-major prominence.
  
• "THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!" The Memphis Tigers get the annual Dennis Green loses his shit award for being who we thought they were: a crappy team who was going to get humiliated by a only slightly less crappy team. Congratulation Bulls for playing chess with a mentally challenged kid and winning.
  
• BYU should disband it's football team so its players can try to convert more third world children to the Church of Latter Day Saints…this way, maybe the fighting Mormons won't lose the biggest game of the season to the mentally slow little brother of the PAC-10 the Arizona Wildcats next time.
  
• Boise State fans can officially shut the f*ck up. For all the crying about being robbed of a BCS birth, the Broncos ate a big ass shit burger prepared for them by the Horned Frogs. This defeat was even sweeter since it was on ESPN's illiterate blogger interactive night. As soon as the Broncos scored, the Boise State fans/BCS haters/retards hit their computer to talk smack and deride the BCS for leaving the Broncos out of the big games. Unfortunately, there were still two quarters to play in which TCU came back to win. I hate to break it to everyone, but the Broncos will never be a BCS caliber team until they get in a BCS conference. I'd also like to point out that BCS is designed to put #1 and #2 together in a bowl (allegedly), not reward small fan base teams. As much as I believe that the BSU-OU game had the most exciting finish to a bowl game ever, it's still has the third lowest ratings of a BCS game since its inception. Learn to travel better or beg the PAC-10 to take you in.
  
• It's a sad day for college football when the New Orleans Bowl is the most entertaining bowl thus far. As sad as it may be, the men from Troy and the Golden Eagles put on a pretty entertaining event. I need a drink…
  
• The Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes beat a 7-6 WAC team that lost to San Jose State. Duly noted.
  

Congratulations Sam Bradford

In honor of Sam Bradford winning the 2008 Heisman Memorial Trophy, we grudgingly present the University of Oklahoma fight song, "Boomer Sooner":



For those of you who might not know this complex fight song, here we provide the words (and we're not making these up):

Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,

Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,

Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,

Boomer Sooner, O-K-U!

Oklahoma, Oklahoma,

Oklahoma, Oklahoma,

Oklahoma, Oklahoma,

Oklahoma, O-K-U!

I'm a Sooner born

And a Sooner bred,

And when I die

I'll be Sooner dead.

Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma!

Rah, Oklahoma! O-K-U!

Finally, in honor of the ceremony last night, we'd like to thank whoever lent Jason White a suit for last nights event.

Five things we learned so far this season…

1. If you're going to suck at being a head coach, it helps to be a fat white guy. The Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes has made the decision to stand behind their corpulent coach. I'm not sure if the Irish decision makers have finally gained patience or lost the stomach to cut buyout checks. Either way, it's good news for the non-BCS schools, since it's unlikely that the Irish will win enough games under the great Weis hope to qualify for a BCS boll next year. That said, the sponsors of these bowls have such a hard-on for the Irish, that it's conceivable that the Orange Bowl might take a 6-6 Irish team just for the ratings, which is sad.
   
2. The opponents of a college football playoff are assholes. Let's get this logic straight: Texas beats Oklahoma but is ranked lower than Oklahoma by the coaches poll, Oklahoma goes to the Big 12 championship game and then to the national championship game. Florida loses to a good Ole Miss team, beats Alabama, and goes to the national championship game. Alabama loses one game (to Florida) and is ranked lower than Florida. SO, in one case, head to head matters, in the other, it doesn't. In the latter, the quality of opponent doesn't get considered. Is this confusing to anyone besides me? Can we just have a playoff now?
   
3. Houston Nutt is a hell of a coach. Coach Nutt has taken an Ole Miss team that looked embarrassingly bad last year and turned in a 8 (potentially 9) win season. They're headed to a post-New Years Day bowl after a five year drought. As one might expect, knocking off the last two national champions on the road gets you paid, as evidenced by a raise and contact extension. While he'll probably be screwed out of the SEC coach of the year distinction, he's got the attention of the rest of the SEC (and hopefully some recruits).
   
4. If Tim Tebow could heal lepers, he'd be Jesus. Anyone who watched the SEC championship game last night saw an amazing performance by one Tim Tebow. Let's face it, he's a good clean church going, corn fed kid who just happens to be one of the best players in the history of college football. I'm not exaggerating. If you didn't like it when he sprinted down the field last night to fire up the special teams, you're not much of a football fan. He was all world against a pretty darn good Alabama team. I'm looking forward to seeing what he does in the championship game.
   
5. The BCS should consider relegating the Big East to Conference USA status. Let's face it, Pitt stomped UConn yesterday, and no one who didn't graduate from one of those two schools gave a crap. If the BCS dropped the Big East, it would have another slot to bring in a Boise State or other deserving team instead of Cincinnati. Nothing against UC, but they did get the living shit kicked out of them by Oklahoma (which ironically OU considers a "quality win").

BUFFALO DEFEATS BALL STATE, BALL STATE AWARDED MAC TITLE

After Buffalo surprised Ball State in the MAC title game, the conference title was awarded to the Jars, er, Cardinals. Explained MAC Commissioner Rick Chryst, "We realize Buffalo won the head-to-head matchup between the teams in our championship game, but Ball State has had the best season and is highest ranked and, consequently, has the best chance to play for a national championship. [Editors' note: we're really not sure what championship a team that was ranked #12 in the BCS could be playing for.] Plus, their offense scores lots of points and has been on TV; we're not actually sure anyone's seen Buffalo." Chryst concluded by saying, "Look, our conference isn't the only one to follow this logic."

(I'm getting over it, I promise, but I'm still pretty pissed...)

Notre Dame is not Harvard for the Irish (and athletic friends)

I was reading a recent blog post by Stewart Mandel regarding the the Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes and found myself in almost complete agreement until I ran upon this sentence: "All of these schools, like Notre Dame, are prestigious academic institutions whose fans understand that their lofty admissions standards make it impossible to compete year-in, year-out with the Ohio States and USCs." Again, like many sports writers, Mandel is perpetuating the myth that it seems will never die: That the Notre Dame, Wake Forest, and Stanford's of the world are Ivy League schools who somehow compete with the low academic standard bearing public institutions. While rankings are all subjective, one need look no further than the 25^th-75^th percentile SAT scores of first year students for a decent proxy for "lofty admission standards".

By the numbers:

• Notre Dame – 640-750 for reading, 660-760 for math, and 630-720 for writing
• Stanford – 660-760 for reading, 680-790 for math, and 660-760 for writing;
• Wake Forest – 610-700 for reading and 630-710 for math (no writing scores found).

These are good numbers indeed. Trouble is, if you take three schools that many folks expect to have none of these "lofty admission standards" problems, the University of Michigan, the University of California Berkley, and the University of Southern California, their numbers are extremely comparable:

• Michigan – 590-690 for reading and 630-730 for math (no writing scores found)
• Cal – 590 -710 for reading, 630-760 for math, and 600-720 for writing
• USC – 620-720 for reading, 650-740 for math, and 640-720 for writing.

I think the bottom line is that Notre Dame and the others mentioned are fine schools, but we need to put this academic argument to bed.

FYI, I got the numbers from http://www.collegeboard.com/. They seem to check out with the schools websites themselves when reported.

SHITTY FOOTBALL WITH A HINT OF IRONY

As amazing as it seems, neither coaching staff involved in this masterpiece is currently employed. But don't it make you just wanna get up and dance?



I guess the Benny Hill theme was taken already.

NOW HE'S JUST A STATISTIC

It's that time of year....



Not that this is a surprise, but Auburn will no longer be retaining the services of one Tommy Tuberville. Apparently he has resigned, though that is a little odd given how he really seemed to be eager to stay on board only 3 days ago. I daresay he probably struggled some on the way to the chopping block.

Since I will miss no opportunity to toot my own horn, I will merely point out that I predicted this several weeks ago when TT decided to sack Tony Franklin after a mere six games or so of the spread offense. When coaches get desperate enough to can coordinators midseason, they are in trouble. Even his 7-3 record in the Ahrn Bo' wasn't enough to save Tommy Boy.

Tip the executioner and he will make your end swift, and your buyout large.



God knows who they'll get--whoever it is will have to be ready to deal with the recruiting prowess and machinelike intensity of the Dark Lord over in Tuscaloosa. Greg Robinson and Ty Willingham are now available. (Better stay the hell away from Muschamp.) The SEC has now turned over 3 coaches in a few weeks, meaning the conference could look quite a bit different next year...

Reflective Equilibrium, or How Not to Break a Tie

In philosophy, the notion of reflective equilibrium refers to the process of reconciling our intuitions about particular cases, on the one hand, with theoretical principles, normative rules, or algorithmic procedures governing the class of such cases, on the other hand, until we reach a considered judgment in which our intuitions and principles achieve coherence. To put it much more plainly, we examine a particular case, apply relevant principles/normative rules/algorithms to that case,and determine whether the result makes sense. In the reflective equilibrium process, if the result doesn't pass the "smell test" vis a vis our judgments, it suggests that our intuitions, the principles/rules, or possibly both require revision.

Let's say you've got three entities you're trying to rank order. In a head to head comparison, A beats B, C beats A, and B beats C. You can't apply a simple transitive ordering--you have to consider more pieces of evidence to come up with an informed judgment that will allow you to rank order. There's no single right answer here. This is a textbook case of the need for the reflective equilibrium process. We're looking for some outcome that meets an acceptable level of coherence--it may not be perfect, but it's an outcome with a basis, and it derives from some decision-making process that can be explained.

The Big XII conference has a procedure for breaking the tie in such situations. The procedure was applied to the 3-way tie between Texas, OU, and Texas Tech to determine the Big XII South representative to the annual beatdown of the Big XII North representative, aka the Big XII title game. Does the process achieve a result that passes the reflective equilibrium test? Let's see...
1) Compare the records of Texas, OU, and Tech against each other. OK, everyone's 1-1. Move along.
2) Compare the records of Texas, OU and Tech within their division. OK, each was 4-1. Next.
3) Compare the records of Texas, OU and Tech to the teams finishing 4-5-6 in the South. OK, each went 3-0 against Okie State, Baylor, and Aggy. Next.
4) Compare the records of Texas, OU and Tech to all common conference opponents. Aside from the three teams just mentioned, Texas, OU, and Tech all beat Kansas. We still can't make a decision. Next.
5) Select the team that is highest in the first BCS standings following the completion of the regular season. As we all know, this selects Oklahoma.

Wait a minute--the BCS? Really? The BCS was not created to adjudicate among potential divisional winners in the Big XII. Its only stated purpose is to select two teams for the national title game. That fact suggests application of rule 5 does not pass the "smell test."

Furthermore, the BCS is largely determined by poll voters who are not focusing on the Big XII and, indeed, may not see much of the football action at all. One of the polls utilized, the Harris Poll, includes as voters former Michigan State coach George Perles (I'm sure he watched Tech, OU, and Texas every weekend), former NCAA bad boy Jackie Sherrill (I'm sure he's perfectly objective when he ranks Texas), former Penn State coordinator Jerry Sandusky, Boomer Esiason (isn't he a little busy during the season with his announcing gig?), Travis Prentice, Allen Pinkett, etc, etc.

The point is that although these Harris voters might know college football, they probably don't all know Big XII football, and thus their opinions should not be utilized in deciding a Big XII issue. (I'm not even going to get started on the coaches' poll.) Utilizing their opinions helps lead to the questionable outcome of OU over Texas, despite the fact that Texas beat OU on a neutral field. Once again, the outcome offends intuitions, hence some of the reactions you see to the decision.

And yes, I realize that Texas had slipped behind OU in the computer ratings, but the ratings aren't exempt from the reflective equilibrium process either. Although computers can apply algorithms consistently, the inputs to the algorithms are determined by people and hence are subjective. The computer standings are not inviolate; all of these systems may be questioned.

And, finally, Mr Big XII commissioner Dan Beebe. Way to take the high road, pal. Beebe demonstrated why he's achieved such a senior position with this glaring, cowardly example of throwing others under the bus. This is just a classic quote:

“The tiebreak process currently in place was carefully considered and voted upon by our athletics directors years ago, although I doubt they envisioned the scenario we have this year with a tie including the No. 2 and 3 teams in the country in one of our divisions."

Go back and read your Nelson Goodman.


Did YOU envision such a scenario, Dan? Thanks for apparently not bringing it up with the ADs. Or did you just get lazy and decide "Oh, let's just have the BCS sort it out?" The SEC, ACC, and Conference USA all managed to give this scenario some thought, and came up with what are by most informed judgments more reasonable solutions. Obviously I'm biased toward Texas, but I am biased very much against intellectual laziness, and the Big XII tiebreaker procedure is a nasty example of such laziness. I can accept OU passing Texas based on a conference-driven process; I have trouble accepting it when it's based on something involving people who don't pay attention to the Big XII, and something not intended for use by the Big XII.

Thanks to you, the world will be forced to watch OU get obliterated in a BCS bowl (for the fifth time in a row) by Florida or Alabama, after Texas kills someone in the Pissed Off at the World Bowl. The only positive is that maybe, just maybe, a fifth consecutive OU BCS beatdown will finally convince people that the Sooners are just a tad bit overrated, and they will be treated a little more objectively in the future.

Counter point: Other SEC fans

Mr. Spit and Tears has pointed out that the Volunteer nation has put its fate in the hands of the young Lane Kiffin. He also paints this as a bad thing. As an alumni of another SEC school, I must say that I couldn't be happier. It helps ease the pain of Sylvester Croom resigning from MSU and Fulmer resigning from Tennessee. Let's face it, with those two clowns in place, it would have been a field day for all other SEC teams. However, I believe that the hiring of Kiffen will have the balming effect of the Shula hire at Alabama a few years ago. Did you know that folks on rocky top get their corn from a jar?

TENNESSEE GETS REALLY DESPERATE

The University of Tennessee has taken a huge gamble and decided to hire Lane Kiffin, who has no head-coaching experience at the college level--and no real head coaching experience at the pro level, seeing as he was Al Davis' whipping boy with the Raiders for all of 20 games--as their replacement for Phat Phil. Seriously, Tennessee, WTF? That's the best you could do?

So not ready for this job.


Apparently the belief is that Kiffin will be able to recruit and put together a good recruiting staff, including the endlessly amusing Ed Orgeron. OK, recruiting is important, but that ain't all there is to the game (see "Zook, Ron" and "Weis, Charlie" for examples of what I mean). I guess they also expect that some of Pete Carroll's expertise might have somehow rubbed off on Kiffin. Lest we forget, all Kiffin did at USC was take over (as co-coordinator, no less; he wasn't even the only guy in charge) an offensive monster that essentially ran on autopilot. I really think Norm Chow had more to do with the success of that offense, even though Chow was no longer at USC when Kiffin took over. Also, for every Pete Carroll that migrates to college from the pros, I can give you a Bill Callahan, Dave Wannstedt, and Mike Sherman who look pretty clueless most of the time.

Maybe this will turn out well in the long run, as one columnist thinks, but it could also be a disaster (a really humorous one for those of us that don't give a crap about Tennessee). I guess we'll all find out, but the guess here is that Nick Saban, Urban Meyer, and maybe a few others (Spurrier, Tuberville if he's not canned) are going to give Kiffin some unpleasant real-life education on coaching in the SEC in the next few years. It's gonna be rocky, all right, Rocky Top.

Rivalry Weaker: Recent Results and Upcoming Games

Virginia-Virginia Tech. This is a hard game to figure. Virginia Tech on offense is like watching paint dry, and Virginia alternates between looking pretty good (coming from behind to beat North Carolina) and looking awful (being trounced by UConn and Duke, which is acceptable in basketball but never in football). Upon further inspection, I think part of the Cavaliers' problems stems from confusing game plans, like this gem:

If York be lost I shall esteem my crown little
less; unless supported by your sudden march to me; and a miraculous conquest in
the South, before the effects of the Northern power can be found here. But if
York be relieved, and you beat the rebels' army of both kingdoms, which are
before it, then (but otherwise not) I may possibly make a shift upon the
defensive to spin out time until you come to assist me. Wherefore I command and
conjure you, by the duty and affection that I know you bear me, that all new
enterprises laid aside, you immediately march according to your first intention,
with all your force to the relief of York. But if that be either lost, or have
freed themselves from the besiegers, or that for want of powder, you cannot
undertake that work, that you immediately march with your whole strength,
directly to Worcester to assist me and my army; without which, or you having
relieved York by the beating the Scots, all the successes you can afterwards
have must infallibly be useless onto me.

And that's just a playcall for 3rd and 6! I tend to think Virginia Tech will win this one, though--never pick the Cavaliers against the Roundheads, er, Hokies.

LSU vs. Anybody lately. My oh my. Didn't you win something last season? First LSU drops a close one to Bama. Then they get thumped by Ole Miss and Coach Giggity McLunatic. Finally, Les reverts to his Oklahoma State-era game management and blows a 16-point second-half lead to a lousy Arkansas team led by a Dick. Good thing the season is over so Les can stop losing. At least Shreveport isn't too far from Baton Rouge.

Texas-Texas A$M. The Longhorns crushed a bad aggy team and for the first time in at least four years played like they actually gave a damn about this game. The ags generally behaved like ags--note the attempt to start a fight near the end of the video. Aggy QB and one-time Longhorn Killer Stephen McGee unleashed his inner douchebag--for instance, running after and yelling at the LB who just planted his ass in the turf. Alas, even his level of douche couldn't keep the game close, and McGee spent a lot of the game doing this. Enjoy oblivion, fucker. I'm sure you'll have some great stories to tell empty-headed coeds at the Dixie Chicken for the next 40 years, though.

Florida-Florida State. Urban Meyer has declared his intentions of uniting all of college-football-dom under one god. Tremble with fear, Tallahassee. All will be vanquished. By nightfall the Gators will feasting on a table supported by the crushed bodies of Seminole players. Tebow will quench his thirst with wine drunk from the silver-lined skull of Bobby Bowden. Are you watching, Alabama? There will be no mercy for you either.

Oregon-Oregon State. I hear the winner gets some free "pharmaceuticals." Seriously, I am surprised Oregon State is still in the running for the Rose Bowl, but there they are, courtesy of USC's annual brain fart. Oregon State has a pretty good offense but will apparently be without their spark plus, Jacquizz Rogers. On the other hand I have no faith in Oregon's ability to win a big game. The Rose Bowl desperately wants to avoid a Penn State-Oregon State rematch (won by Penn State 45-13 in September), but I don't think they will get their wish. USC will thereby fall into the pool of BCS at-large teams--and they figure to be much more appealing than Ohio State, so the Bucks will probably get the opportunity to lose to an SEC team in the Capital One Bowl. Lots of interesting ramifications of this game.

Houston-Rice. Yes, it's a rivalry game, and since it will help decide who wins Conference USA West, it's meaningful to the 30 or 40 Rice and UH fans out there. These are two of the best offensive and worst defensive teams in the country, so punting will be minimal and scoring will be frequent. Sort of the antithesis of what you can expect in the Auburn-Alabama game. By the way, it's possible that the loser of this game could essentially host Notre Dame in Houston's own Texas Bowl, which is hilarious to ponder. Either team has the firepower to knock Notre Dame out.

The Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes has to cut that enormous check.

Let's face it. When the decision makers at the Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes decided to extend the contract of the Great White Hype a few years back, they made the biggest mistake since New Coke. It's now time to admit their mistake, cut the monstrous buyout check, and move on. Now, I know that the Catholic Church usually saves this kind of money for the victims of priest molestation, but that said, they might need to tell little Timmy O'Tool to walk it off next time and use that money for a higher purpose. Charlie Weis is doing his job so horribly, that a Google search gets you this nowadays (note the top line). Big Chuck is 28-20 as of the writing of this post and is 0-2 in bowl games (two BCS bowls they shout never have been invited to). If that doesn't get you fired, I don't know what does. Let's face it; they fired Ty Willingham after a 21-16 record. For those of you bad at math, Weis currently has a 58.3% winning percentage. When fired, Willingham had a 57.8% winning percentage. When the Irish lose to Southern Cal in humiliating fashion next week, Weis will be at 57.1%. Charlie's gotta go…

RIVALRY WEAK OBSERVATIONS

1. Oklahoma 65, Texas Tech 21. This is not actually a traditional rivalry, and the game was not actually a contest. It's a little different when the target is on YOUR back, isn't it, Tech? With the beatdown--OU clearly called off the dogs in the second half--Tech probably plunged from national title contender to unhappy Holiday/Cotton Bowl participant, barring an Oklahoma State upset of the Sooners next week (not likely). Red Raiders will have to content themselves with the occasional big upset, pirate obsessions, and ownership of Texas A$M.

2. Ohio State 42, Michigan 7. We've secretly replaced OSU's hated rivals, the Michigan Wolverines, with the Toledo Rockets. Let's see if the Buckeyes notice the difference... nope! The foolish Buckeyes are thrilled with their fifth straight win over the "Michigan Wolverines." At least campus-area Columbus does not look like Mogadishu this morning. [Note to Buckeye fans: nobody stays on top in a rivalry forever. Texas lost 10 of 11 to Texas A$M from 1984-1994, and some of those losses were ugly. The Longhorns have managed payback several times since, though. Dame Fortune is fickle and favors no one forever.]

3. Penn State 49, Michigan State 18. These teams play for something called the "Land Grant Trophy," which sounds really bland and really depressing. Sparty's performance was also bland and depressing as they once again shit the bed in a big game (and I thought Joe Pa was the one with incontinence problems). Penn State locks up the Rose Bowl, Joe Pa announces he's coming back in 2009 (shudder--I fear for his health, seriously), and Sparty is wondering if he'll ever crack the Big T(elev)en's glass ceiling.

4. Utah 48, BYU 24. Where is your god now??? Seriously, I am still waiting for someone to organize the all-god tournament so we can figure out once and for all whom the almighty favors. BYU, Utah, Notre Dame, Baylor, Liberty... need three other schools to round it out. Anyway, somebody needs to make this happen so we can finally sort out what's been left unresolved by the Thirty Years' War, the English Civil War, innumerable French civil wars, the Spanish Inquisition, the Counter-Reformation, and much of Western history over the past couple thousand years. The Fiesta Bowl probably awaits the Utes.

5. Washington State 16, Washington 13. Washington continues its pursuit of perfection by once again failing to win, this time in the Apple Cup. Wazzou "improves" to 2-10. Ty Willingham certainly knows how to pitch a stinker. Blecchhhh... moving on....

6. Syracuse 24, Notre Dame 23. Not a rivalry, either, BUT OH SO FUNNY. Hey Charlie, how's that "decided schematic advantage" working out for you? As Notre Dame's hometown newspaper noted, the Fightin' Leprechauns' fans are losing patience and evidently decided to take it out on the players. Beautiful. Even more beautiful: Charlie, who boasts of being able to make a quarterback "incredible" in three days, was calling the plays. It is going to be a thing of awful, blinding brilliance when the USC defense gets its hands on this team.

7. Tennessee 20, Vanderbilt 10. Vandy, Vandy, Vandy. If you can't beat THIS gawdawful Vols team with its lame-duck coach, when are you ever going to beat them? Vandy still remains bowl-eligible, though. I hear Shreveport is lovely in late December.

RUST BOWL CV

Later today Ohio State and Michigan play the 105th version of what many of their partisans refer to, with perhaps unjustifiable pride, as "THE GAME." I believe the winner receives a closed AK Steel Plant in Mansfield along with some brownfields outside Detroit. Somebody might go to a bowl--not sure; I know one team sure as hell isn't.

Michigan appears to be light years behind OSU and the game will be bloody awful. I remember when the shoe was on the other foot and OSU couldn't beat them despite being the more talented team on paper. Every year (especially 1993, 1995, and 1996) the Buckeyes appeared to have the team that would finally slay the Wolverine vampire, but revenant-like, UM would reappear and bite 'em yet again.

Michigan used to be this to Ohio State:

John Cooper was clearly not the Van Helsing needed to destroy the monster. (He was more like the pussy Jonathan Harker played by Keanu Reeves in that awful Dracula movie with Winona Ryder--all confused looking and saying "Whoa" and whatnot.)

Enter Jim Tressel. Tressel is currently 6-1 against Michigan and will be 7-1 (not to harp on this but Michigan SUCKS--would not beat Texas A$M or Rice) in a little over seven hours. The NCAA compliance of his program notwithstanding--there's a subject for another post--his program is clearly the best in an admittedly lousy Big T(elev)en, and Michigan has proceeded down the slope of Lloyd Carr's diminishing returns and landed their own mercenary Bill Callahan-like coach in Rich Rodriguez. Their 3-8 record exceeds even the most pyromaniac Buckeye fan's worst expectations for UM. And the Michigan beast has now been turned into this, at least for the time being:

Meanwhile, to switch metaphors and actually discuss the game--which really needs little discussion--I expect an execution-style Mafia killing today. UM has a middling defense which is OK along the line, but wears down because the offense turns it over too much (28 on the season) and simply cannot generate points or give the defense any rest. I expect OSU to grind it out on the ground because it is FUCKING DAMN COLD, which is not amenable to passing a lot, and that will probably keep the score from becoming ridiculous. But this will be a beatdown nonetheless. UM will not crack double digits. I expect something along the lines of 30-6; a shutout is not out of the question. Hell Todd Boeckman may get to play.

Delivering the Cosa Nostra bullet to UM's head:

At the end of this, OSU will probably receive the opportunity to receive another BCS beatdown from, depending on how the season turns out, the SEC runner-up, USC again--the Trojans would have the opportunity to go for the trifecta next September if they play Ohio State in the Rose Bowl--or Texas. (The latter could make my life unbearable for awhile.) Yet another post...

Five things we know at this point in the season…

1. If you're not rooting for Texas Tech, you've never been to Lubbock. Let's face it; Lubbock TX is the asshole of the universe (ok, one of the assholes. If you've been to Augusta, GA when the Masters is not happening, you know there are two). If you have really great talent (see Crabtree, Michael) and you went to Lubbock to play football, you really deserve to win a national championship. I understand that Norman is the armpit of America, but that is no comparison.
   
2. Ball State is Ohio State circa 2007 minus the love of the national associated press. Let's face it; they're a good team who has beaten 11 crappy teams. Oh wait, I said they were like OSU…
   
3. I would have voted for President Elect Obama even if he didn't favor cutting my taxes. His support for a playoff in college football should have convinced most in "real America" that he was the man to vote for.
   
4. Charlie Weis is a complete douche-bag. I will not step on my colleague Jason Whitlock's story, but the fact that Charlie Weis decided to call offensive plays against the worst part of their schedule is atrocious. He's won at Navy and he'll win at Lame Duck Syracuse, but my biggest question is who he will blame an ass kicking of biblical proportions at the hands of USC on. Touchdown Jesus anyone?
   
5. Signs that affirmative action has gone too far. Is it just me, or is Sly Croom getting a free pass by everyone in the universe (including those who can smell Lubbock from space)? He's 3-7 this year after 3 of 4 horrible years (going 20-37 in his tenure). I appreciate that he is the first African American head coach in the SEC (which is a travesty either way you want to interpret this phrase), but his incompetence is a disservice to all that follow. On an up note, I hate MSU and hope they keep Croom for all eternity, even working to reanimate him when he dies.
   

What pro football can learn from college football…

Recently, a friend of mine who is a fan of the Cleveland Browns of the NFL asked me what I thought the Browns can do to improve their lot. As you know, this blog isn't about the pro game, but as I responded, I realized that the long suffering pro teams could learn a lot from certain "high profile" college programs. So, to all professional football teams who pine longingly for their day in the sun, I give you the roadmap for the Cleveland Browns. I call it the "Tressel" strategy...

• First, hire yourself your own commissioner independent of the NFL's governing body who cares nothing about the good of the game, but rather only of the good of his "mini-conference".
  
• Have your commissioner petition to realign the conferences to lump the Browns in with teams that used to be good but have fallen on hard times as of late. This will give the impression that the mini-conference is really good when it's actually really bad. I would suggest the 49'ers, Lions, Browns, Bills, Bengals, and Chiefs. You could call yourself the "Big 5".
  
• Develop a "rivalry" between the mini-conference and a formerly good team with a quasi-religious affiliation and a patently offensive-stereotypical ethnic nickname. Maybe the Jets could rename themselves the "Frugal Jews" or you could just pick the Washington Redskins.
  
• You could pick a nickname that no one has any idea what it means…oh wait, Browns works.
  
• In your weak min-conference you should have no problem winning all of your games. Then, have your commissioner refuse to let your teams play in the AFC conference championship game. This will inexplicably work, landing you in the Super Bowl every year or so (unless your running back gets incarcerated). Most times, you'll be embarrassed by a clearly superior team from the NFC South. However, if the stars align, you'll play the Miami Dolphins and draw referees that have money on the game, causing you to win on a highly suspect pass interference call in overtime.
  
• Enjoy your Super Bowl victory!
  

Ten things we learned last week.

1. The South Florida Bulls are getting good at goodbye. For the second straight year, the Bulls started off hot, only to cool off in a big way towards the middle of the season. After starting off 5-0 with an impressive win against Kansas, the Bulls have gone 1-3 since, with no signs of improving.
2. The rib joints in Knoxville might be about to feel the heat of the recession. The rotund one is out at Rocky Top, about three years too late by at least one opinion. That said, I have to admit I’m a little sad to see Fulmer go. His recruiting is way down and with Saban, Miles, Spurrier, and Richt firmly dug in, we needed someone to help keep balance. Here’s hoping the Vols hire Croom when he becomes available…
3. The Miami Hurricanes might have their man in Coach Randy Shannon. The Hurricanes are looking at a probable 7 win season, and as crappy as the ACC is, that should get them a decent bowl. If nothing else, Shannon is going to be one of the likely three remaining African American coaches heading the 119 NCAA Division 1A football programs after the firings of Ty Willingham, Ron Prince and Sly Croom (probably). I’m not trying to get political but that’s only 2 more than African American US presidents. It’s not like those four don’t deserve to be fired (maybe not Prince), but come on, Bobby Petrino gets hired by Arkansas after basically pulling a Scarface from Half Baked on the Atlanta Falcons and even he gets recycled. There have to be better options in the assistant ranks that aren’t white that someone might want to interview.
4. Boy, does Wisconsin suck or what? They are 4-5 on the season after a 3-0 start. I hate to say it, but even with the “murderers’ row” of Indiana, Minnesota and (gulp) Cal Poly still on the schedule, they might end up 5-7. By the way, who the hell schedules Cal Poly on November 22nd?
5. I still have hope that the Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes will not become bowl eligible this year. I know, I know, they still have Syracuse on the schedule to give them that sixth win, but they are sandwiched between a Navy team that beat them last year and the University of Spoiled Children who will give them the Dirty Sanchez. I’m just saying that it might be a trap game. It’s not like the Orange have much else to play for.
6. Duke is still Duke, but they still have a chance at a bowl. Let’s face it, in any other year we’d expect them to go all Vandy, get caught up in their term papers, and blow off the season. But low and behold, this group of young men whose classmates’ Daddies are paying too much for their college education are two wins away (most likely NC-State and Clemson) from being bowl eligible. That said, I like Vandy’s chances better, since they have a similar overpriced private school (Wake) on the schedule. NEERRRRDDDSSS! Sorry, that was uncalled for.
7. Georgia has turned back into Georgia. Which is not a bad thing, it just means that you win the games your suppose to win, lose the ones you’re suppose to lose, finish with 8-10 wins, go to a pretty good bowl, and never EVER get considered a real threat to win the championship by anyone who didn’t go to UGA.
8. It should be a requirement that to move to NCAA Division 1A that you beat North Texas. The Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky will be eligible for post season play in 2009, but have yet to beat the likes of North Texas or FAU. I know that there is some sort of self-esteem issue with being a really good Division 1AA team (I refuse to use FCS and FBS), but I’m not sure what being in Division 1A and never EVER being a contender for a national championship does for the psyche. I guess I could ask UGA fans…
9. If Houston Nutt gets the Rebels to 7-5, he should get a medal. I’ve seen monkeys flinging crap that looked more organized than the Rebels did at times last year. Now, I realize they have a QB this year, but he’s not THAT good to explain a 4 game turnaround. I’m not saying that Nutt’s the second coming, but I’m sure most Ole Miss fans would be happy to be UGA for a little while (like they were during the 2003 season).
10. The good news for Texas Tech fans is that they’re a shoo-in for the championship game if they win out. The bad news is that they’re Texas Tech and they never EVER win out. That said, the worse news is that their coach is going to have a dump truck full of money rolled up to his door by a major power who’s firing or has already fired their coach (see “Tennessee, University of” et al.) That makes them the University of Louisville circa 2006.

Five things we know going into this weekend

1. Utah isn't just going to coast into a BCS game. Though a lot of non-BCS haters like to talk about the easy schedules that the Mountain West-esq teams of the world play, there's a lot to be said about the Utah's of the world. They have beaten Michigan and Oregon State, and still have TCU (12) and BYU (17) on the calendar. Win out, and you deserve the Fiesta Bowl Utes. "What's a Ute?"
   
2. Ty Willingham is beyond incredulous. I have to admit being a Willingham supporter for many years, and have to agree with Jason Whitlock that Ty has been scapegoated for Charlie Weis' failures. That said, he sucked ass in Seattle. While those of us in the south can't understand why anyone would take a scholarship in the land of the latte, he should have done better. I for one hope he has one more chance in the bigs…
   
3. Wake Forest really shouldn't seek the level of Duke. What the hell happened to Wake, after a 3-0 start, they have lost to Maryland (understandable maybe), Miami (Hmmm), and Navy (really?). Why is it (really, please tell me), that mid-majors can never turn the corner?
   
4. Our vote for Rich Brooks might have been slightly premature. Shut the f*ck up.
   
5. I would love to own the liquor store by June Jones' house. Having only won one game versus the 1-AA Texas State Bobcats, the SMU Mustangs suck worse than the non-political material on SNL. June has to be questioning his choice to leave the happy upper-mediocrity of Hawaii. That said, I believe he'll have success, but this season has to hurt.
   

Ten things we learned last week…

1. Not everyone who has a Croomin' coming to them gets it. Congrats to Phat Philly Fulmer.  The orange buoy is the first coach to be in the perfect situation for a Croomin' and jack slap Sly's future inmates down as God intended.  Did he save his job?  No, but he did make sure he would not suffer college football's ultimate humiliation. 
   
2. Vanderbilt is developing a good/bad habit of playing to the level of their competition. If you're playing Georgia and bring your "A" game, that's good. If you play the Slytanic's boys and play to their level, that's bad. Unfortunately, this trend may lead the Commodes to once again get soooo close to bowl eligibility, only to see it slip away. The good news; Duke is coming to town. The bad news; your coach might be dumping you for a sexier program.
   
3. Rich Brooks gets my vote (I don't really have a vote, but we can pretend) for SEC coach of the year.  He has done more with less than any coach in recent memory.  After emasculating Bobby "I don't buy I rent" Petrino on Saturday, Brooks earned some serious coach of the year consideration (in addition to Coach Petrino's cojones which will look nice on the mantle next to that coach of the year trophy).
   
4. If Houston Nutt could get Ole Miss to play four quarters of good football, the Rebels would be undefeated.  Of course, the same could be said for any program, but the Rebels continually play one mediocre, one worthless (usually the 2nd), one good, and one outstanding quarter. They've lost four games by average of less than five points per game. Pretty good recipe for a 3-4 record.
   
5. That Tim Tebow knows how to use his time off. Florida got a much needed week off.  Due to the time constraints of playing SEC football Tebow's charity work has been on the back burner; but not last week. During the week off, Timmy taught a tribe of Ethiopians to cultivate corn, eradicated polio, busted up a cock fighting ring, and circumcised thirty children in the Republic of the Congo (a personal record). 
   
6. Terrence Cody, we hardly knew you. TC was one of the most entertaining players on the field game in and game out.  True football fans love watching a nose tackle dominate an offense. Fans of the 1985 bears like to see them also play offense in short yardage situations.  His injury was incredibly unfortunate.
   
7. The Golden Hurricanes might hang half a hundred on the Razorbacks. The team from Tulsa has averaged 56.6ppg in its seven wins. They get the Hawgs in Fayetteville, which might give the Razorbacks a little hope. That being said, any team that squeaks one out by a point against LA-Monroe is in danger of a beat down at the hands of the nation's highest scoring team.
   
8. Stocking a team with 24 year old Mormons does not a BCS buster make. Well, the Cougars got a dose of reality against the Horned Frogs last Thursday. Their hopes of pulling a Boise State are all but dashed, leaving them with thoughts of what might have been. On the upside, they still a head coach with one of the best names in all of football.
   
9. Boise State still has a chance to pull a Boise State. Unfortunately, their weak remaining schedule (San Jose State, New Mexico State, Utah State, Idaho, Nevada, and Fresno State) is a garbage dump. It would take a beat down of a potentially 9-2 Fresno State on November 28^th to move them into BCS buster land.
   
10. Georgia Tech is going to be scary as hell once they get athletes to run that funky offense. I don't think it's premature to suggest that the Yellow Jackets might be the ACC champs this year and a title contender by 2010. Before they reach that first gold ring, they have tough games against resurgent UVA, UNC, and FSU teams. Beating rival UGA on November 29^th would be icing on the cake.
    

Ten things we learned last week…

1. ECU, what the hell happened?! – Let me get this straight; the Pirates beat West Virginia and Virginia Tech, but lost to Virginia on their way to becoming Virginia State champs. This is the Virginia who lost to Duke and UConn. That would be understandable if this was basketball season. So, this leaves the Pirates faced with beating the Memphis Tigers to get back on track, no small task, since the Tigers will be playing this game for the memory of their beloved mascot TOM II. Considering the ass kicking the Pirates got from the Cougars, the thought of a big cat motivated team is chilling.
   
2. The boarding whistle on Fulmer's train out of Knoxville just sounded – The good news is that he will be able to save all the money he spends every year on bail money. On second thought, his former players will probably still call him.
   
3. For a bunch of allegedly smart kids, the Commodores don't learn much from history – After getting to 5-0 by capitalizing on penalties, turnovers, and field position (i.e. their opponents beating themselves). They lost to the worst team in the SEC by committing penalties, turnovers, and giving MSU good field position (i.e. beating themselves).
   
4. If he didn't to get the job in the first place, Lane Kiffin should be kissing Al Davis'
   Crypt Keeper Ass – Thanks to the crazy one, Lane just became the hottest commodity in college football. He should have a number of prime jobs to choose from in the spring, and he's free to date.
   
5. The Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes
   actually played fairly well Saturday – Unfortunately, they were playing a real opponent. The good news is that they play the hapless Huskies this week. There is a little piece of me hoping that Ty has been purposely losing games so that beating the Irish will be that much more humiliating.
   
6. Biggest train wreck in college football at the midway point in the season..... Auburn – As an Ole Miss grad, I want to say that Karma's a bitch and giggle my ass off. That said, it's more sad than anything. A rumored brawl between coaches lead to the dismissal of spread offense guru Tony Franklin in less time than it takes to get Mark Mangino in a sweater vest. The fallout; one offensive TD in a losing effort against a hapless Arkansas squad. Sounds like the War Eagle is heading the way of TOM II.
   
7. Looks like Jesus decided to show his boy Tebow some love and get his beloved Gators back on track – Obviously, this proves once again that God hates south Louisiana. In all seriousness, LSU hasn't been beaten like that since 2001 (Florida again). Back then, their quarterback was an eerily similar looking goofy white kid who had the remarkable dissimilarities of appearing unable to get a tan and refraining from circumcising poor children.
   
8. Colt McCoy might at least get a free plane ticket to New York – There's a lot of football left to play (including this week versus Mizzou), but numbers like a 79.4 completion percentage and a 189.0 passer rating will be hard to ignore even if they lose a couple.
   
9. Michigan might want to consider applying to become a division II school - After their performance this year, and the loss to Appalachian State last year, they might find their level against the Grand Valley States of the world.
   
10. Greg Schiano is in his garage right now trying to install a flux capacitor in his DeLorean – This would allow him to go back in time and take the Miami job. Nice job butthead.
    

WELL DONE SIRS

Colt McCoy, Chris Ogbonnaya, and Jordan Shipley

And we didn't even have to rely on Boom M'fer to win it.

Congrats, guys. Now go back work - Missouri is next.

Happy Time Harry and Jiggle Billy Preview the Weekend

[Happy Time Harry wants everyone to know that he's got no time for this because he's got to go to work soon and figure out how to pay all his bills. Not that it matters because he'll be dead soon enough anyway. None of these games matter either. --Management]



HTH: OK, let's do this. I got some serious stuff to deal with, unlike the jiggling retard here.
JB: All right everyone, let's commence to jigglin'!!
HTH: Listen, dude, SHUT UP with that crap.

Texas-Oklahoma
HTH: I got Oklahoma in this one. Next.
JB: It'll be a rootin'-tootin' good time! Makes want to dance!
HTH: Jesus Christ I am telling you, SHUT UP FREAK! You want me to cut you?
JB [seems worried]: I like jigglin'...

Auburn-Arkansas
HTH [disgusted]: Oh, I don't know... why don't we pick one of the backwoods sister-loving teams? My god. Next.
JB: They sure know how to have a good time in Arkansas!
HTH: Yeah, I bet they do.

Texas Tech-Nebraska
HTH: I'm not supposed to drink, but I could use a beer. What is Texas Tech, anyway? Are they little tech geeks playing with their tech toys? Well, life isn't a game, geeks! You work your ass off, your old lady runs off with your cousin, and then you die! [Glares at Jiggle Billy, who seems quite nervous now] What's your problem, grandpa?
JB: Uh... I don't know... I'm kind of depressed...

Iowa-Indiana
HTH: Listen, anybody from Iowa or Indiana, just kill yourselves now. Drive your tractors onto the highway for all I care. You've got nothing to look forward to but blizzards, pig shit, and corn. Hey, Jiggle Idiot, it's your kind of people!
JB: [says nothing, fingers musket]

Notre Dame-North Carolina
HTH: [Vomits, continues talking without pausing] Friggin' French don't know how to play football. Who cares anyway?
JB: Uh... err... hey everybody let's jiggle!
HTH: DON'T EFFING DO THAT!!!

Kansas State-Texas A&M
HTH: I'm out of here. I'm not even supposed to be here--my parole officer is gonna be pissed. I don't have time for this crap.
JB: Everybody have a jigglin' good weekend!

Ten things we learned last week:

1. Rumors of Dukes revival have been greatly exaggerated. After beating juggernauts James Madison, Navy and Virginia, a lot of folks (including David Cutliffe's BFF Stewart Mandel) felt that Duke was back (and I mean back. Like Wallace Wade back). After a total ass kicking by a rebuilding (or rebuilt) Georgia Tech, things don't look so rosy.

2. The annual "Fresno State loss to a horrible team" is Hawaii this year. As usually happens, the Fresno State Bulldogs looked pretty good to be a BCS buster and then lost to a team that they had no business losing to. At least it wasn't LA Tech (I'm looking at you Croom).

3. The over/under on the Red River Shootout is 100. With Oklahoma averaging 49.6 points per game (#4) and Texas averaging 47.2 ppg (#6), you might want to bet the over. Next week, Texas gets #2 point scoring Missouri.

4. It is time to make your piece with God (aka, Vandy is 5-0). With their best start since 1943, the Commodes no more are serious contenders for the SEC title game. If you ever predicted that you'd hear that in your lifetime, please give me some stock tips.

5. The Bulls realized they are in the Big East…as did UConn. The previously unbeaten South Florida Bulls and UConn Huskies went down last weekend, with the loss for the Huskies coming in embarrassing fashion. The former leaders of the Big Easy conference were both thinking big before losing to unranked opponents causing the AP voters to look at their schedule and realize that squeakers against FIU and Temple (respectively) should have tipped them off to the weakness of these teams.

6. UNC, it's not just for basketball anymore. Speaking of UConn's downfall, the Tar Heels, (despite having a nick name that originates from the losing side of the civil war) are looking good at 4-1 despite a close loss to neighborhood rival Virginia Tech. That said, let the Butch Davis bidding war begin!

7. Ohio State gets a big win over a ranked opponent.....oh wait, that ranked opponent was just another over hyped, over rated member of the Big 11. The good news is that OSU beat a ranked opponent, something that it hasn't done all year and may never do again. The bad news is it's that lovable scamp of a team Wisconsin who lost to a Michigan team who in turn lost to the Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes. Not exactly a quality win.

8. Alabama is as schizophrenic as Nick Saban's pro vs. college coaching ability.
Sybil, is that you? I'm trying to figure out which team will take the field this weekend for the Tide; the one that got outgained by 145 yards by now 2-3 Tulane (who just lost to Army) or the one that hung 41 points on Georgia.

9. It's time to return the black shirts (aka, Mizzou just scored another TD on Nebraska). The Huskers, who are hemorrhaging 26 points per game, may not be favored to even "upset" Baylor (aka, Baylor College for Baptist Gentlemen and Future Serial Killer Athletes).

10. The money men of the Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes are holding back room meetings as we speak to keep that NBC TV contract. I'm not saying that most of the college football world doesn't want to see smash mouth nail biters against quality opponents such as the San Diego State Aztecs, I'm just saying…

Auburn sez, "We prefer the split-T"

Auburn has ended their abortive experiment with the spread offense, firing offensive coordinator Tony Franklin only six games into the season. Honestly, I didn't even know they ran the spread. It just looked like the usual shitty Auburn offense to me. Through six games War Damn Eagle was averaging about 309 yards per game and 18.7 points--is this really meaningfully different than what they were doing in prior years? Methinks Tuberville needed a scapegoat to cover his rear end--the season looks iffy with Georgia, Alabama, a sort-of decent Ole Miss, and (interestingly) West Virginia still on the schedule.

In the meantime, Tuberville and Auburn have begun searching elsewhere for an offensive system to implement..., as well as a new offensive coach...

You like hitches and bubble screens? He loves hitches and bubble screens. Available after 10/11/08. Former Michael Jordan-esque quarterback not included. No refunds, no returns.

Viewer's Guide for the Lazy

OK. Now the non-conference patsies are out of the way for pretty much everybody. Now we get into the conference schedule, where nobody's that much of a surprise to anyone else. There is enough familiarity, in fact, that occasionally someone gets overconfident and says something like this:

• Smith stopped short of guaranteeing an upset, but said: "This win we're going to get over OU would put us on the right track."

Optimism is a wonderful thing. Foolish optimism is pretty damn stupid. Foolish optimism when your team is 0-17 all-time against the opponent is inviting an epic beatdown. Somewhere Barry Switzer is urging his team to hang "half a hundred" on them.

Here's what we'll be watching, minus the necessary potty breaks and possibly some breaks for food (though we have beer; why do we need food?)...

1. The nonconf schedule for the Texas Longhorns looked something like this. However, the month of October sees a schedule that will present challenges more akin to this. The competition starts this week with the assault on Utah Beach, err, Folsom Field, as they visit the Colorado Buffaloes. The last time CU saw Texas, the Longhorns scored 70 points in 2 1/2 quarters and paved the way for the final exit of Gary Barnett. The talent, and motivation, gap between the two schools has narrowed considerably since then. This should be a ballgame. The Horns follow this game with #1 Oklahoma (4-0) in Dallas, home for #3 Missouri (4-0), home for #22 Oklahoma State (4-0), and at #8 Texas Tech (4-0). Granted that Okie State doesn't play defense and Tech is a little overrated, but holy shit that is still a death march schedule. A trip to Kansas also looms in November. Hope you enjoyed that top-5 ranking, Texas. You won't have it in a few weeks.
2. Ohio State visits Wisconsin in a competition to see who can eat the most bratwurst. Oh, and there's a football game too. Last week OSU unveiled Terrelle Pryor and Beanie Wells in the same backfield. They ran a number of zone-read and lead-option plays that were devastating. Yes, they devastated Minnesota, I know. Still, this is a potent rushing attack that should probably form the basis for the OSU offense. Pryor is iffy as a passer--Minnie should have picked him off at least once--and it's probably safe to say no one is scared of the OSU receivers anymore. Wisconsin has been running the same offense since the Eisenhower years: power running between the tackles, throw an occasional play-action pass. The problem is they have Allen Evridge at QB, who will continue the fine tradition of sucking he started at Kansas State. This game will be a low-scoring slugfest, but I'm leaning toward OSU. *** NOTE: Props to the entire Wisconsin band for getting suspended. They know how to party in Madtown!
3. Oklahoma is going to stick it in and break it off in Baylor. At least Robert Griffin is fun to watch. Gamblers take OU and the points. You know Stoops won't take his foot off the gas.
4. Auburn plays Vandy in the most meaningful game for Vandy in the last couple of Ice Ages. Fans of offense, please don't watch this one. If, however, you want to see a couple picks, two or three fumbles, and maybe a safety, this is the game for you. Vandy's entire offense is their QB, and Auburn's ineptitude has their fans longing for the days of Brandon Cox at quarterback. Got to pick Ears (Tuberville) here--Auburn has perfected the art of winning ugly and will continue it today.
5. Missouri is going to be able to name their score at Nebraska. That 30-year losing streak in Lincoln will end today and it will not be for the squeamish.
6. Kansas... you know, I don't even know who Kansas plays. But I am continually amazed that this guy is that good at quarterback. Just wanted to get that off my chest.
7. Miami plays Florida State. Remember when that meant something? No idea who will win. Let's say Miami for grins.
8. Akron-Kent State. This is probably important to somebody. Maybe.

Belated Observations from Austin

I was in Austin last weekend for the Austin City Limits festival, and the wife was thoughtful (and resourceful) enough to get us Texas-Arkansas tickets as an early surprise birthday gift por moi. Now, granted, tickets to a really exciting game like Texas-Rice might have been better from a purely football standpoint, but I don't get to see Texas play in person very often, so I'll take what I can get. And any chance to see total destruction of the pig people is worth it. Anyhoo, onto the observations:

1. Darrell Royal and Frank Broyles are on the field for the coin toss. DKR smiles and says something to Frank. I think it is along the lines of "Hey, Frank, you remember that game we played where Nixon showed up? You should've kicked that field goal in the fourth quarter. We couldn't have come back from 17-8. Oh well, water under the bridge now." Frank smiles and grits his teeth and dies a little inside, just as he has been dying inside every day for almost 39 years now. Should have taken the 3, Frank.
2. As I watch the game it occurs to me that either (a) Arkansas is so bad I feel sorry for them--ALMOST--or (b) Colt McCoy is playing at almost a superhuman level. Whether he passes or pulls it down and runs, he makes not one bad decision that I can see. The only iffy pass is a throw to Quan Cosby when Cosby appears to be blanketed by the defender. Quan catches it for a TD anyway.
3. Casey Dick doesn't totally suck, but his "supporting cast" does. As the game progresses the pig OL goes into more and more of a fetal crouch against the Texas pass rush. [Insert obvious "Dick-sucking" joke here.]
4. Cody Johnson is an unexpectedly good back. Not going to outrun many people, but is 5'11'' and about 250 pounds of pure pile-moving fireplug. Texas hasn't had a bruising tailback in a while. We need a back who can be his own blocker (especially given that the OL's ability to perform the run-blocking function is uncertain).
5. Following up on that thought, Vondrell McGee and Chris Ogbonnaya are neither unexpectedly good, nor bruising tailbacks. We need Fozzy Whitaker to get healthy and be the complement to Cody. Vondrell and Chris are role players at best. Get well, Fozzy.
6. My wife is not amused by the drunk blond coed who stumbles out of our section multiple times on the way to pee/refill her flask/check her makeup, and says things to me like "Excuse me, honey. I'm so sorry... I love you!" What can I say?
7. 31-3 at halftime. People are starting to flee in droves as it becomes quite clear that the pigs aren't going to mount a comeback. Even the pig fans are quiet--I think I only heard them call the hogs once.
8. It occurs to me that I am missing Robert Earl Keen and the Drive By Truckers for this. Well, Robert is an Aggie, and let's face it, the Truckers don't look very athletic. No way they could throw deep out patterns on the run like Colt does.
9. 45-3. Please shoot the pigs and get it over with. For a supposedly fast dual-threat QB, why does John Chiles look so slow? Is Sherrod Harris that bad? Hell, does anyone on the Texas bench want to give the quarterback position a shot? It's the Greg Davis offense; it's not like it's hard to learn or anything. I am skeptical about Chiles, however. What is the opportunity cost of trying to demonstrate that he can be an effective QB?
10. At the start of the fourth quarter we make our way out and back to ACL. By the time we actually exit the stadium--good god there are a lot of damn escalators--it is 52-3. Point made, Mack. Just fall down on every snap now. The swine know who their master is.
11. After the game, I think Bobby Petrino was interviewing for the job at Western Kentucky. Or possibly Pittsburg State in Kansas--I'm not sure.
12. This is undoubtedly the easiest game Texas will have this season, with the possible exception of aggy. The pigs may not win another game this season. Fine by me.

Ten things we learned in the last two weeks…

My sincere apologies for missing last week's update (I was out of town; more about this below). In the last two weeks the college football world exploded and I wasn't here to make smart ass comments. I'm sure that our five loyal readers are disappointed.

1. Arkansas really sucks – Colt McCoy looked like Daunte Culpepper circa 1997 versus the Razorbacks going 17 of 19 for 185 yards through the air and running for 84 yards and 2 TDs before Mac Brown took his foot off the gas. This is the same kid that imploded against Kansas State last year. Sad.
   
2. USC might want to call in sick in two years from now when they have to travel back to Corvallis – For the second time in two years the Beavers inexplicably beat the Trojans at home despite not having a very good team.
   
3. Someone should tell Urban Meyer that field goals are worth three points – I understand that Tim Tebow is the greatest quarterback in the universe and he's completely unstoppable, but come on, kick the ball next time. I know it was to be a long kick, but how little respect do you have to have for the other team's defense to go for it on fourth and one while in field goal range? I know kids playing NCAA Football 2009 that would consider that ballsy.
   
4. East Carolina didn't steal Boise State's Mojo – After two straight losses, the Pirates are back down to earth. This scary looking kid has to be pissed. Their fall from grace is sad since it leaves the role of BCS buster to either the BYU or Utah, who don't have the strength of schedule to make a case for the title game even if they go undefeated. *Sigh*
   
5. Watching football outside of the south is a sad experience – Last week I found myself in a small town in Utah due to business travel. Hoping to take in some local color, I hopped a courtesy shuttle to downtown and found a local watering hole. The Utah-Air Force game was on the tube and the place was packed. But here's the weird part; people were watching the game with less emotion than SEC fans have for the halftime show. Sad. To make matters worse, they were doing shot after shot of Rumple Minze. Weird. Haven't they heard about bourbon?
   
6. Evidently, the pollsters don't actually watch the games – This is the only possible explanation for USC remaining in the top ten after losing to a 1-2 Oregon State team who lost to Stanford while Florida fell to twelve after losing to an Ole Miss team that had two losses to ranked opponents by a combined eight points.
   
7. Forcing suspected terrorist to watch Auburn's offense would be a violation of the Geneva Convention – Auburn is averaging 329.4 yards per game, which is .4 more than offensive powerhouse Utah State and 7.4 less than offensive juggernaut Florida Atlantic.
   
8. The Auburn-Arkansas Game will finally answer the question, "What happens when an inept offense meets an inept defense?" – The razorbacks are ranked 114 in points allowed, coughing up a staggering 38 points per game. If Auburn can't score on the Razorbacks, they might want to try installing the wishbone.
   
9. The wrong self important private school in North Carolina was ranked – Wake Forest lost to Navy. Duke beat Navy. Weird huh? It'll be interesting to see what Duke does against real competition this week against Georgia Tech, but until then, let's let the Blue Devils enjoy having a winning record while they have one.
   
10. Somewhere out there, Ty Willingham is hiring a realtor – Nothing says I won't have a job here next year like losing to the Stanford Cardinal.
    

Redemption in The Swamp

When Ole Miss walked off the field last week I was not sure if they would be able to win another game. The play of quarterback Jevan Snead was the reason. He appeared to have a mental block preventing him from playing the position with any respectability.

When Ole Miss walked off the field yesterday the story was different. They had just pulled off one of the biggest upsets in school history. Snead was not the quarterback he was last week. His play was not brilliant, but was solid. Snead finished the day 9 out of 20 for 185 yards with one touchdown rushing and two passing (one of these was a screen). His only interception was due to being hit while throwing. The Florida defense gave the Rebel passing game all kinds of problems. Snead protected the ball. His highlight play was an 86 yard touchdown reception by Shay Hodge that stunned the Florida faithful. It stunned the Rebel fans too. Welcome back Mr. Snead.

Jevan made up for the performance against Vanderbilt in grand fashion. Ole Miss is back on track to go bowling. Since 2004 this program has been kicked around. Until yesterday the Rebs had not won a conference game since beating Mississippi State in 2006.

The real story from yesterday's game in The Swamp is not Jevan Snead, it is the entire Ole Miss team and coaches. Houston Nutt often says his team has "one heartbeat". Yesterday the Rebs demonstrated this. Dexter McCluster put the offense on his back. The defensive line made play after play. The offensive line took some licks but ultimately was solid. Running backs Brandon Bolden and Cordera Eason both ran hard and made several plays. Eason's touchdown run off a screen pass showcased his outstanding balance and athleticism. The secondary played solid against Florida's outstanding receivers.

While Rebel fans will talk about many plays from this game for years to come there are two that truly stick out. Kentrell Lockett blocking the game tying extra point and the defense stuffing Tim Tebow on 4th and short. In short yardage situations Tebow is Mr. Automatic. Urban Meyer could have elected to attempt a game winning 49 yard field goal but instead decided to go for it. When Tebow is your quarterback this is a pretty easy decision. Tebow took the snap and raced to the line of scrimmage, but he would get no further. The Rebels had stopped him. Game over.

This win puts the rest of the conference on notice. The Ole Miss Rebels are now a force to be reckoned with. The first step toward turning a program around is learning to win. Yesterday's class was in The Swamp. The Rebels now know how to win.

Self Destruction in Dixie

What causes a player to implode? Could be poor mechanics, lack of mental preparation, letting a bad play go to the head, or all of the above. Then again it could be none of the above. Usually the answer is mental. This is also the most difficult to correct.

Take St. Louis Cardinal Rick Ankiel for example. During NLDS game against the Atlanta Braves in 2000 the 21 year old drew the start. Yeah, I know this is a football blog but bear with me. Up to this point Ankiel was one of the hottest young pitchers in baseball. He struck out 9.98 per nine innings and allowed 7.05 hits per nine innings. Not too shabby. In the third inning of the NLDS game he allowed 4 runs on 2 hits, walking 4 and throwing wild pitches. This was the end of Ankiel as a pitcher. He lost his control and was never able to find the plate again.

Before Saturday evening Ole Miss quarterback Jevan Snead was one of the most talked about players in the SEC. He played nearly flawless games against Memphis and Wake Forest. Snead even drew jubilant praise from Lou Holtz on ESPN. In the Wake game he lead a drive late in the 4th quarter that was capped by an incredible escape job and pass for the go ahead touchdown. Ole Miss fans salivated while the rest of the SEC cringed.

Saturday evening Ole Miss hosted Vanderbilt. During the first drive Jevan was his usual self, leading a drive (which happened to be marred with penalties) for a field goal. A few plays later Vandy fumbled deep in their own territory. Jevan and the Rebels were poised to take a seventeen point lead. It was not meant to be. Snead threw a pass to a receiver who was covered so well he was barely visible. The result….pick six. It only got worse from there. Enter the Ankiel comparisons.

During the second quarter Snead’s performance began to quickly deteriorate. Snead’s pass attempts were incomplete by a mile. Many sailed ten or more yards out of bounds. Ok, he did complete a few, but most were caught be feats of incredible athleticism. The usually accurate Snead couldn’t hit a target the size of Charlie Weiss.

Ole Miss had several chances to take the lead. The Rebel defense was outstanding. The problem was Vandy figured out that Snead’s arm was no longer a threat thus limiting the running game. Somehow Ole Miss did manage to wind up in two goal to go situations. With the field short Vandy stacked the box and the defense held even forcing a fumble for a touchback during the second goal to go situation.

By the end of the game Snead had thrown four interceptions, really bad interceptions. Can Jevan Snead recover? Possibly, but it is rare a player comes back from a meltdown of this proportion. If he does not get his old form back Ole Miss may not win another game this season. Houston Nutt and offensive guru Kent Austin have their work cut out for them.

Late in the game an injured Vandy player out of shoulder pads with an ice pack on the injured shoulder was pacing in front of his bench. This is nothing out of the ordinary. What was out of the ordinary is this player was wearing his helmet. The chinstrap was even buckled. I wondered why on Earth would an injured player still be wearing his helmet? At that moment an errant Snead pass nearly took out a Vandy cheerleader. My question had been answered.

Good night, and God bless.

The Voice of Reason

This weeks sign that it's time to make your peace with God...

Ten things we learned last week…

1. California loves the homeless –Our sources indicates that the equipment manager for UCLA mistakenly sent the Bruin's uniforms to a local LA homeless shelter prior to their game over BYU. Unfazed, Coach Neuheisel let the transients take the field against the fighting Mormons and the rest is history.
2. In a nail biter decided at the bottom of the ninth – Starting pitcher Jared Koon pitched a three run game, but the Mississippi State Bulldogs were unable to muster enough runs to overcome the three run night by the Auburn Tigers. Oh, wait, that was a FOOTBALL game. A really horrible football game. Lucky for the rest of the SEC, Tuberville installed the spread offense during the offseason.
3. Congratulations to the Boilermakers – After a couple tough weeks for the Big Eleven, Purdue finally got a big win over a PAC-10 foe. What? They got steamrolled by the Ducks in overtime. Was Oregon wearing those horrible "run over by a car" uniforms of theirs? No? Ok then.
4. Need two for the Stanford game? – Following the Huskies beat down at the hands of the Sooners on Saturday; the University of Washington marketing program has come up with a new strategy to sell season tickets. All new purchases come with a "Ty Willingham Farewell Tour" t-shirt. Ty is still incredulous.
5. Blackshirts for all - New Nebraska coach Bo Pelini went ahead and gave out the Blackshirts following the 38-7 win over NMSU saying, "This is probably going to be our only chance this year."
6. Pot and Kettle anyone? – Last week, Miami Alumni Warren Sapp called Urban Meyer a "Classless Dirtbag". In response, Shaquille O'Neill suggested that Sapp should be more careful when making derogatory comments in public.
7. It may be time to make your peace – In football news; Vandy is 3-0 and 1-0 in the SEC. In related news, my high school homecoming queen called me for a booty call, Zima has replaced moonshine as the official drink of Kentucky, Alabama has elected an Asian governor, and soccer has officially become the most popular sport in the state of Mississippi.
8. The Golden Domers are a little excitable – During their win versus Michigan, and in a moment of reckless abandon, a Notre Dame player kneecapped Charlie Weiss. Luckily, the University of Kansas keeps a whale transport team on the ready for just such an occasion, and was able to lend a hand in getting the corpulent coach to the hospital.
9. It's about time – In a well fought game, the Big Eleven actually beat a ranked team from the state of California. Unfortunately, it's September, and the teams were Wisconsin and Fresno State.
10. Notable omission – If you are wondering where the OSU-USC smack is, remember, these are things we learned, not knew since 2006.

I'm pretty sure this is the president of the Bama Alumni Association...

Ohio State - Just a Team

Hi there. I'll be representing the "everyone else" portion of the blogging public. I come not to bury Ohio State, but to ridicule them, poop on them, and then bury them. Actually I just want to give my take on why they won't be relevant again in 2008.

First off, let me say that by the end of the season, the OSU-USC game won't be all that memorable--it's a long season, and this game was frankly a snoozer. At times, I switched over to an Austin City Limits rerun featuring Arcade Fire (awesome band, if a bit bombastic and self-important); at other times I chose to view Auburn-Mississippi State. (Tommy Tuberville involved in a game with a 3-2 final score? I'm shocked, I say, shocked.)

Second, I never thought it was likely that OSU would win this game. I thought they'd lose respectably though, and in a Big T(elev)en with no clear front-runner, I figured they'd manage to be in the running for a 10-2 record and maybe the conference title. Theoretically they have the ingredients to make a run at it--lots of returning starters, solid receivers, good linebacking corps and secondary, a very good tailback when his tootsies aren't bothering him, etc. I've heard that the coaching is excellent, though I'm starting to wonder.

However, this team is not a contender of any sort--such a team would manage more than 229 yards and 3 points against USC, whose own defense is very good but not great--because they have a great big flaming bag of crap at the QB position. It's as though the football gods put the sack of poop on OSU's front porch, lit it, rang the doorbell, and OSU ran right out and jumped into their current QB situation. Tressel is just now trying to shake it off his feet; he probably just smelled the smoke.

Essentially, OSU has NO QB, and it's crippling them. That was hinted at last week, when they struggled to beat Ohio University, a team seeming to consist of people like yours truly--middle-aged white men with minimal athletic ability--and a backup quarterback with the inexplicable name of Boo. They struggled to move the ball all day and only won because of mistakes and lack of depth on OU's part. It was entirely obvious tonight that OSU ain't got a QB.

You start with Todd Boeckman, who has regressed several mountain ranges from his performance at Penn State last year. Boeckman is fine if he has time--a good game manager. Pressure him, however, and he either (a) throws an ill-advised up-for-grabs pass that is likely to be picked, or (b) decides that he's a scrambling QB and tries to take off, which just ends up with a sack. By now, opponents have enough film on him to know this, and they plan accordingly. They attack him. The OSU coaches also know this, which is why they don't throw downfield very much, and probably cover their eyes when he tries to improvise. The pick-six he threw tonight to Rey Maualuga was an awful decision; it never should have left his hands. His attempts to buy time in the pocket looked like Al Gore dancing. It doesn't help that OSU has no real deep threat at receiver. The Brians Hartline and Robiskie will look fine against Youngstown State, Northwestern, Indiana, etc, but not against a defense with decent speed. USC didn't do anything fancy in coverage--didn't need to.

Unfortunately, behind Boeckman, you have not much. There's Terrelle Pryor, who's drawn comparisons with Vince Young for some reason. Perhaps it's because he has compiled a 30-2 record as a starter, won two Rose Bowls, one conference title and a national title, and been completely jobbed out of a Heisman Trophy by a sycophantic Trojan-worshiping media... Wait, you say he's done none of those things? In that case the comparison makes no sense to me. Aside from Pryor, OSU has Joe Bauserman, who is a 43-year-old former minor league pitcher or something. It doesn't matter who Joe Bauserman is.

Anyhoo, no one is going to have to worry about OSU making to another title game, only to be ritualistically slaughtered by an Oklahoma, USC, Georgia, etc. They're not going to get there. Right now this looks like an 8-4 or 9-3 team to me, and not real likely to win the Big Ten. The best thing OSU can do is start rebuilding the QB position--allowing Terrelle Pryor to attempt a forward pass might be a start. Wisconsin or Penn State might be the Big T(elev)en front runners--not that it matters because whoever wins it will lose the BCS bowl.

But hey, OSU gets another shot at the Trojans real soon... like next week. The Trojans of Troy, Alabama. Of course they are a team from the Deep South, and we know how OSU tends to look against them. But Minnesota is up on the 27th!

Ten things we learned last week…

1. ECU to the sugar bowl? – You never know, since unlike Hawaii, the Pirates have quality wins.
   
2. Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes is in trouble – Ty was hosed by the refs, but he can at least be cheered up that the great white hype at Notre Dame almost lost to the Aztecs.
   
3. Arkansas LIKES IKE – After a near miss to the Warhawks, the Razorbacks got to delay a beat down from Texas worse than the one the cops gave some ECU students.
   
4. Duke, welcome to Cut and Shoot – It's bad that you lost to Northwestern, but worse that, there isn't another Manning in the pipeline to bail Cutcliff out.
   
5. Evidently the Red Wolves and the Golden Bears bought a PS3 – How else can you explain the 83-10 and 66-3 beat-downs of the Tigers and Cougars, respectively.
   
6. Putting the Old in "Old Ball Coach" – I'm beginning to think the game has passed Spurrier by after consecutive losses to the Commodes.
   
7. Memphis, Rice, Rice, Baby, too slow, too slow – Tommy West need to keep his defense away from block parties in Orange Mound the night before the game.
   
8. Tulane > Clemson – Let's get this straight, the Green Wave out gained Alabama by 146 yards the week after the Tide held the Tigers to 188 total yards of offense. I'm just sayin'…
   
9. Ty is still incredulous – Word is that this week, any player who cracks a smile after scoring will be flagged 15 yards for taunting.
   
10. UConn v. Temple – I'd say something funny about this game, but I couldn't get in touch with any of the four people that watched this game.
    

Things we learned last week…

The first week of the glorious football season is in the books. While I have some dead spaces in my brain where previously functional tissue existed, my liver is still hard as a rock. That said, I have learned some things this week. Some are obvious, some less so.

• The Atlantic Crap Conference and the Big Easy Conference are biding their time waiting for basketball season. With losses to ECU, Fresno State, Bowling Green and severe ass whippings at the hands of Alabama, South Carolina, Southern California, Kentucky and, (GULP) Northwestern, things are looking bleak. On the upside, Maryland did eak one out against the Blue Hens.
  
• Jim Tressel is a douche bag. Why else would you be playing Beanie Wells with a 3+ touchdown lead against Youngstown State?
  
• Aloha obviously means "We need to stop playing the SEC". After beat downs at the hands of Georgia and Florida, the Warriors might want to stick to playing the Mountain West in non-conference. They did get a small break when Florida got off to a slow start since Tebow was late getting to the game. Evidently, he spent most of the morning contributing to the Gustav relief effort by circumcising babies in New Orleans' fourth ward.
  
• Croom got "Croomed". Despite playing pretty bad for a WAC team for most of the game, the men of LA-Tech exposed the State Bulldogs as a bunch of over-rated thugs. On the upside, a few members of the secondary scored a couple TV's and a watch later that evening.
  Someone might want to make a reservation with Two Men and a Truck.
  
• Bobby Petrino might want to start up dating that resume'. I have reports that Jimmy Sexton has been sighted in Hammond, LA passing out Petrino's business cards.
  
• Despite having more GED holders that Alabama graduates in the stands on any given Saturday, Saban has a squad. They made Clemson of late August look like Clemson of November. At least for Clemson, they still play in the ACC.
  
• Thanks to Gustav and an "absent minded janitor", Southeastern Louisiana inexplicably has the keys to the Ole Miss film room. Ooops. Hint: Make State pass the ball.
  
• Beamer forgot to trademark "Beamerball".
  Unfortunately, the Pirates might be needing Jimmy Sexton sooner rather than later.
  
• Ole Miss finally has a quarterback not named Manning. Now if they can find a defense…
  

No Free Passes Here

My first contribution to the blog.

There are students on every college campus that misbehave. Some get caught. If the act is against the law the student might even get arrested. Is the arrest of Joe Schmo college student news? Not really…..unless Joe Schmo happens to be a scholarship athlete.

It never surprises me when an athlete from a major university gets caught D.U.I., public drunk, shooting a potato gun, bar brawl, etc. But hey, I’m writing for a football blog here so I’m going to talk football. Usually when a program has multiple players arrested over the course of a few seasons the head coach of said program is viewed in the court of public opinion as running an “outlaw program”. Think Barry Switzer. Should the head coach accept full blame? I don’t think so. Sure, some. Not all though. The head coach does have to answer for the character of the players he signs, but boys will be boys and college students will be college students. These athletes are adults who should be held solely accountable for their actions.

With that said should a head coach who runs a program with more arrests than normal be raked over the coals? Again, I don’t think so. How about if that coach had stated publicly that players from his program would not be arrested and if they are will be expelled from the team? I don’t … hey, wait a minute. Is there really a coach out there that has made such statements? That is an awfully bold claim unless it is coming from the head coach of a service academy. Then again this does sound like something Joe Paterno, Slick Rick, or Gary Barnett might have said. Nope. The coach who made these statements was Mississippi State’s Sylvester Croom. In four seasons at Mississippi State his team has tallied more arrests than wins. Arrests: 19. Wins: 17.

Coach Croom has gone as far as making the statement, “Be good, or be gone.” He was not finished there. He also stated at an alumni/booster gathering that you would not read about his players in the newspaper. So why has this hypocrisy not been exposed by the print media? I don’t know. Maybe the media just feels sorry for State because the town of Starkville is so stark. Not only has Croom not been asked to answer for not living up to his word, he has been praised for his player’s character. Liberty Mutual who hands out a coach of the year award had this to say about Croom, “Coach Sylvester Croom is making young men into strong men of character, educating them on the field, in the class room, and most importantly in life." I guess the players arrested for gun play on campus the night of March 27, 2008 were in the training room during Croom’s character building lesson.

Want another example of Croom’s character building? All conference defensive back Derek Pegues has been arrested twice since 2006 (two other players have multiple arrests also). He is on the team but will be serving a one game suspension when State takes on Louisiana Tech in this season’s opener. Surely this suspension is for his driving with a suspended license and having an open container of alcohol earlier this year? Nope, it is for violating the university’s class attendance policy. Be good or be gone.

In Croom’s defense three players were expelled from the team: Michael Brown, Quentin Wesley, and Richard Burch. However Croom did not expel Brown and Wesley. The university kicked these two out of school, that whole felony gun thing on campus you know. Croom was not pleased with the university’s action and felt he should be the one to discipline his players. In other words he had no intention of removing them from the team. I have news for Coach Croom, these football players are students at Mississippi State University and the university has every right to take disciplinary action against football players that represent it. Richard Burch went straight to jail for narcotics distribution. I wonder if Croom was upset with the police for not letting him handle this situation himself?

You know, Coach Croom was correct, I have not read about any of State’s players in the newspaper. I have read more than enough on the Internet. My issue is not the actual arrests, it is the pious stance taken by Sylvester Croom and that he has not been held accountable for his word by the media.

Good Night, and God Bless,

The Voice of Reason

Predictions, premonitions, and outright lies…

Recently, writers from Sports Illustrated posted their picks for the 2008 campaign. As is often the case with the national media, many of these particular writers smoked a considerable quantity of crack before making their picks. To quote the originator of the thousand yard stare, Nancy Reagan, "Just say no." In an attempt to make sense of all this, here are my picks:

BSC Predictions:

National title: Georgia vs. Oklahoma
Rose: USC vs. Ohio State (Again. Got to love tradition.)
Fiesta: Texas vs. Oregon
Sugar: Florida vs. BYU
Orange: Wake Forest vs. South Florida

National Champion:

Georgia – It's going to be tough, but they will beat the Gators on a last minute play when Tim Tebow will stop on the five yard line to circumcise a Filipino child and talk to him about Jesus.

Surprise Team:

Ole Miss – The Rebels are poised to return to bowl form under the leadership of Houston Nutt. Riding three great recruiting classes left by coach Yaw Yaw, the Rebels will see seven wins and a trip to someplace that's not Shreveport.

Flop Team:

Pittsburgh Panthers – The Panthers are trendy pick to win the Big Easy, I meant Big East. Unfortunately, the Panthers will come out playing very well against Bowling Green, Buffalo, Iowa, the prison team comprised of the 18 Iowa players arrested since 2007, and Syracuse only to come crashing to earth after realizing that Dave Wannstedt is still the head coach.

Potential BCS Buster:

BYU – Pissed off that no one is talking about how many kids they're circumcising on their mission trips, the Cougars will break into the BCS, only to wind up face-to-face with the master of genital mutilation in the Sugar bowl who will lay a "Hawaii" on them.

Heisman Trophy Winner

Knowshon Moreno, Georgia – Despite playing against real competition (unlike a certain Big-11 running back whose nickname rhymes with "Weenie"), Moreno will gain the public's eye on the way to a national championship.

First Player to Fall Out of the Heisman Race

Tim Tebow – The chosen one will fall out of the hunt while trying to get someone else on his team to produce positive offensive yardage. He will accomplish his goal of making his team more complete, but he won't put up numbers as freakish as last year's or this girls rack.

Next household name

Jevan Snead – He will lead Ole Miss back to the meritocracy the Rebels enjoyed during the Cutcliffe days and watch his star rise in the process. He will remind people of Eli Manning without the occasional Brent Shaeffer games Eli was famous for.

Coach on the Hottest Seat

Greg Robinson – The Syracuse coach would have been packed and coaching in New Orleans if Syracuse was in the SEC. That said, even the Big Easy (or Big East) has some standards.

Ten things I hate in college football…

While college football is truly the greatest sport on the planet, it's not a perfect beast. It's kinda like dating Jessica Biel and finding out that she's gassy, snorts when she laughs, and has a little yip dog. None of these are deal breakers since the rest of the package is so unbelievably amazing, but every now and again they are going to be noticeably annoying. Anywho, here's what pisses me off about college football:

10. Racist mascots – Don't start with the anti-PC crap. While the Red Wolves of Arkansas State is kinda cheesy, "Indians" is racist as hell. The only reason we call the native people of North America "Indians" anyhow is because Columbus had the geography skills of a Mississippi State graduate. Why continue the mistake?

9. People who think all tribal mascots are racist – If you name your teams after a tribe and you cut said tribe a check, it's not racist. The tribe owns the name, if they want to sell you the rights to that name, they can. All the whiny folks out there need to shut the hell up and go talk to Daniel Snyder, cause let's face it, Redskins is the most racist nickname of all time. Don't believe me, ask Chris Rock.

8. People that call the University of Southern California "USC" – Schools that are older get the initials. Southern Carolina is older (founded in 1801) than the University of Southern California (founded 1880). Done.

7. People who use their schools performance on NCAA Football to predict their performance in reality– I'm not saying that the game isn't accurate, but let's faces it; I have won the national championship with New Mexico State playing NCAA 2008. Case closed.

6. Lower tier schools that are "rivals" with schools in power conferences – Note to the Southern Misses of the world. If you have one shot in ten to beat a team, you are not rivals; you are the little brother school. This has some obvious exceptions in the modern era. East Carolina is second only to Wake Forest in the state of North Carolina. That said, they're one Skip Holtz from going back to being UAB. The other exception is for schools who were once at an equal level, but have found themselves at a disadvantage in modern years (think Tulane).

5. Jim Tressel – Nothing personal, but take off that silly ass vest.

4. NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision/ Football Championship Subdivision – While most people hate the BCS, I never hear anyone complain about this one. I have never in my life met anyone who can explain why the FBS includes teams that can go undefeated in the regular season and still stay out of the top 10 in the rankings. If there is that much disparity in the talent of those teams, then just demote the non-BCS teams to the FCS, rename it to Division II (and shift everyone else down a number) and let the big boys play together. If there is a chance in hell for the Appalachian States to compete, merge the two and hold a 64 team single-elimination tournament. I hate this wishy washy crap.

3. Non-geographically relevant "rivalries" – Why oh why does the national media (aka, media from New York or L.A.) force "rivalries" that aren't rivalries down our throats. Let me say this loud and clear, the University of Southern California and Notre Dame are not rivals. Two private schools who don't directly recruit against each other, are TWO THOUSAND MILES APART, and are populated by a bunch of rich brats are not allowed, by the laws of nature, to be rivals.

2. The Big Eleven – I will never, ever, refer to this conference by its assumed name. It's perennially overrated, but more than that, the fact that they obviously can't count pisses me off. If they are truly a "power conference" they should adopt another team and host a championship game. That said, it would probably just cause the rest of the football world to be subjected to two Michigan/OSU games per year since no other team is worth a crap. At least, it would occasionally get rid of their leading candidate for the championship game and allow a team to play that might actually not get humiliated.

1. Notre Dame – Oh, let me count the ways…First, it's a bullshit school. Have you ever heard something to the effect of "A new study from leading researchers at Notre Dame…"? No. It's a shitty school. Also, it's like the Catholic version of Baylor. Real Catholic schools recruit Catholics which is why none of them have a decent sports team. The Notre Dame version will recruit anyone who can identify Touchdown Jesus from a lineup. Next, what's with this independent crap? If they want to be independent, go hang out with Army in the land of the no bowl tie-in. The NCAA needs to force ND to join the Big 11 or the Big Easy (um, Big East). Until then, they should be forced to go to the Papajohns.com Bowl every year that they actually win enough games to be eligible. Take that Regis!

"Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy...Surly!”

While the above quote, lifted from an episode of the TV show the Simpsons, usually summarizes my general life philosophy, my job on this site is more humanitarian in nature. I will be covering the “everyone else” of college football. While it’s well documented that no other conference has the same level of talent or quality of football played in the glorious South Eastern Conference, I feel it’s important to have balance in life. Besides, it’s good to know something about the team that is going to have the living crap kicked out of it in the national championship game. Thus, this is my mission, to provide a little insight into what’s going on in the rest of the county and occasionally jump in to help the Voice of Reason when there are too many arrests at Alabama, Tennessee and/or Mississippi State for one man to cover.

The Simple Truth: