Dear Mr. Tebow,
I read recently that you have decided to save yourself for marriage. Why some “reporter” would ask this at a football press conference is beyond me. I personally feel that you planted the question as a way to cement your near saint-like off field status, but I digress. The point is that your new Super Virgin label is getting you a lot of shit from a lot of men. These men are more often than not middle aged, 50lbs overweight, and married to some shrew of a wife who gives it out like Santa Clause (i.e., once a year and you better be really good to get it). I myself am middle-age, BUT only 30lbs overweight and married to a good looking gal that delivers like Terrell Owens. (i.e., she shows up every week, she takes a few plays off on occasion, but she’s a playmaker). You know how I know she’s a playmaker? BECAUSE I DIDN’T SIGN THE FIRST DAMN RECEIVER I THREW TO!!!! This is why I think you’re making a mistake. There are a lot of guys that are bashing you for not chasing the tail they could have never gotten. I am not. I enjoyed college, had sex with plenty of gals, and settled down with the right one. The other guys think you’re squandering a perfect opportunity because they never got a chance to bang hot chicks. I have. I KNOW YOU’RE SQUANDERING A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!!!
You like football, right. Well, I have another football analogy; I was the Doug Flutie of the college tail game. Sure, I made some good plays, scored a number of touchdowns, and had a decent number of receivers to throw to in my time. Some were CFL quality. Some were NFL third, second, and or even first string quality talent. More of the former than the latter, but hey, like I said, I was Doug Flutie. You on the other hand are TIM FUCKING TEBOW!!! You can bang as many hot chicks as the SEC has to offer. I have been to a lot of SEC games. It’s like every receiver who wants to be on your team has first string talent. Not Percy Harvin first string talent, I’m talking Wes Chandler and Carlos Alvarez. Look them up (I’ll wait). But here’s the deal, some of them are going to look really good when you’re scouting them which leads to my words of caution. No matter how much you do your homework, you’re going to get ten of Reidel Anthony for every Chris Collinsworth if you draft on looks or personal interview. You really have to bring them into mini-camp or sign them to a rookie contract to get a good look at them. The bottom line is, if you don’t throw to them, you’ll never know if they can catch.
I know your objection; your religion forbids premarital sex. I’m no theologian, but I can read Wikipedia, and it tells me that you can get forgiveness for such minor things as a booty call. What you say, there are other reasons not to have sex with hot co-eds? What about STDs you say. We’ll, I have some good news. While STDs are rampant in the southeast, they are considerably less prevalent in the Barbie doll types you like and much less likely to be contracted by circumcised males. If you practice what you preach, and wrap that rascal, you’ll be fine.
In summary, I hope you’ll not squander this special gift, nay, special purpose that you have. Go forth and fornicate young Tebow, and put that Tebowner to good use.
Your friend,
Surly
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