Hating on the 2012 NCAA FBS Bowl Line-up

Now that the regular season is officially in the books, the Army-Navy game has been played, and the Heisman Trophy has been awarded, we can look forward to bowl season. As usual, we have some games that are real winners, some games that are real losers, and some games we’re not looking forward to but will watch anyway. Instead of ranking the games like everyone else does, I’ve decided to hate on each and every one of them in alphabetical order while giving my projected winner. You can call me the Most Egalitarian Hater this Side of the Mississippi if you want, but considering that there are less than 10 “must see” bowls, ranking them would have been a painful endeavor. That being said, let the hating begin…

• Alamo (Dec. 29): Oregon State (9-3) vs. Texas (8-4). The Beavers shocked the nation by rattling off a nine win season when many (e.g., me) picked them to finish last in their division. The Longhorns shocked the nation by somehow winning eight games while sucking so bad you can hear them from space. Prediction: Oregon State.
• Armed Forces (Dec. 29): Air Force (6-6) vs. Rice (6-6). If you watch this game you’re an alumni, active/former military, a degenerate gambler, or married to a harpy. Prediction: Air Force.
• BBVA Compass (Jan 5): Ole Miss (6-6) vs. Pittsburgh (6-6). Pitt is the only school located in a city so bad that it could possibly think that a trip to Birmingham is a reward. Ok, Pitt, Texas Tech, and Mississippi State. Prediction: Ole Miss
• BCS National Championship Game (Jan. 7): Notre Dame (12-0) vs. Alabama (12-1). The ultimate Hater Bowl, 90% of the viewing audience will be rooting against one of the teams rather than rooting for the other. A full 2% of the viewing audience will be hoping that the earth swallows both teams and their respective fan bases (except for that Manti Te'o, he’s a class act). Prediction: Alabama.
• Beef 'O' Brady's (Dec. 21): UCF (9-4) vs. Ball State (9-3). Probably a better game than most people would think. Personally, I would rather see alumni Daniel Tosh (UCF) and David Letterman (BSU) in steel cage match-up, Thunderdome style, but you take what you can get. Prediction: Central Florida.
• Belk (Dec. 27): Cincinnati (9-3) vs. Duke (6-6). Who knows where Cincinnati’s players heads will be at. They lost their coach to Tennessee and then picked up Tommy Tuberville within a span of a couple of days. This has to be something like being dumped by your hot young girlfriend then being picked up by a cougar the next night. Prediction: Cincinnati.
• Buffalo Wild Wings (Dec. 29): TCU (7-5) vs. Michigan State (6-6). Remember when this would have been a really good game? Me neither. Prediction: TCU.
• Capital One (Jan. 1): Georgia (11-2) vs. Nebraska (10-3). Nebraska should prepare themselves for a lot more of what Wisconsin gave them. Odds of Bo Pelini having a stroke by the third quarter: 3-1. Prediction: Georgia.
• Chick-fil-A (Dec. 31): LSU (10-2) vs. Clemson (10-2). In an attempt to achieve the worst color scheme pairing in all of the bowls, the Intolerance Bowl is matching up the Tigers with one of the few teams that can make Zach Mettenberger look like a competent quarterback. Prediction: LSU.
• Cotton (Jan. 4): Oklahoma (10-2) vs. Texas A&M (10-2). Johnny Manziel won my undying adulation by waiting until about two minutes into his Heisman speech to thank his deity of choice. I think it came sometime after he thanked Scooby Doo for his Halloween costume idea. I’m not anti-religion, I’m just pretty sure that supernatural creatures don’t have a Heisman vote. But while I’m here, I’d like to thank God that Mike Rozier does. Prediction: TAMU.
• Fiesta (Jan. 3): Oregon (11-1) vs. Kansas State (11-1). Probably the best game of bowl season. Probably should have been the national championship game. Probably should bet the over. Prediction: Oregon.
• Gator (Jan. 1): Northwestern (9-3) vs. Mississippi State (8-4). This is a tough call. On one hand, I can’t root for the Vanderbilt of the Big Ten. On the other hand, I would rather root for the return of prohibition than the Bulldogs. At the end of the day, I’ve got to side with the SEC, but not matter what happens here, I won’t be happy. Prediction: Mississippi State.
• GoDaddy.com (Jan. 6): Kent State (11-2) vs. Arkansas State (9-3). Probably the best game you won’t watch. Despite losing both of their head coaches, these teams are still going to put a good product on the field. Unfortunately, this game will probably pull fewer viewers than a reality show about duck calls (note: this show exists). Prediction: Arkansas State.
• Hawaii (Dec. 24): Fresno State (9-3) vs. SMU (6-6). If June Jones’ team was an actress, she would make Lindsay Lohan look mentally stable.  This season, the Mustangs lost to Tulane by a point and then followed that performance by putting up 72 points on Houston. Fresno State was much more consistent, losing to Tulsa by a point, Oregon by 17, and Boise State by 10. Prediction: Fresno State.
• Heart of Dallas (Jan. 1): Oklahoma State (7-5) vs. Purdue (6-6). I didn’t know that this bowl even existed. It probably shouldn’t. Prediction: Oklahoma State.
• Holiday (Dec. 27): UCLA (9-4) vs. Baylor (7-5). UCLA limps into this game following two straight losses to Stanford. Baylor comes in riding a three game winning streak. UCLA is looking to show that they’re legit. Baylor is hoping to show that they have a bright future post RGIII. In the end, this will be a shootout because Baylor’s offense is really good and their defense doesn’t travel with the team. Prediction: UCLA.
• Idaho Potato (Dec. 15): Utah State (10-2) vs. Toledo (9-3). You’ll watch this because it’s the first football in weeks. Even with that justification, it will be a little pathetic that you’ll plan your day around this match-up. Prediction: Utah State.
• Independence (Dec. 28): Louisiana-Monroe (8-4) vs. Ohio (8-4). Remember when Ohio was going to be a BCS buster and ULM was a giant killer? Me neither. Prediction: Louisiana-Monroe.
• Kraft Fight Hunger (Dec. 29). Arizona State (7-5) vs. Navy (7-4). It’s called the “fight hunger” bowl. It should be the “fight narcolepsy” bowl. The only suspense will be for the ASU players if they get a text from the coach after the game. Prediction: ASU.
• Las Vegas (Dec. 22): Boise State (10-2) vs. Washington (7-5). BSU caps off a disappointing year (for them) with a trip to sin city. A third loss would be unheard of in the Chris Petersen era as he’s only lost three games once (2007) in seven seasons. I don’t see this being the second. Prediction: BSU.
• Liberty (Dec. 31): Tulsa (10-3) vs. Iowa State (6-6). In a rematch of Tulsa’s most embarrassing loss of the season, the Golden Hurricanes will be reminded again that they’re in C-USA and Iowa State is not. Prediction: Iowa State.
• Little Caesars (Dec. 26): Western Kentucky (7-5) vs. Central Michigan (6-6). On the upside, the Hilltoppers players get to go bowling this year after being snubbed last year. Their attractive female fans get to prepare for the game knowing that motorcycle rides will be on the agenda for the foreseeable future. Prediction: Western Kentucky.
• Meineke Car Care (Dec. 28): Texas Tech (7-5) vs. Minnesota (6-6). Sending Texas Tech to Houston on the heels of losing their coach to Cincinnati is just cruel. The University of Minnesota being located in Minnesota is more cruel. Prediction: Texas Tech.
• Military (Dec. 27): San Jose State (10-2) vs. Bowling Green (8-4). This game should actually be pretty good, but unfortunately it comes right about the time “shitty bowl fatigue” begins to set in. Prediction; San Jose State.
• Music City (Dec. 31): Vanderbilt (8-4) vs. NC State (7-5). In one corner, you have an eight win SEC team with one of the hottest coaches in American. In the other corner, you have a highly inconsistent ACC team. I think we all know how this one ends. Prediction: Vanderbilt.
• New Mexico (Dec. 15): Arizona (7-5) vs. Nevada (7-5). You can still get fifty yard line tickets for this game for $17. This is only 17 more dollars than they’re worth. Prediction: Arizona.
• New Orleans (Dec. 22): Louisiana-Lafayette (8-4) vs. East Carolina (8-4). East Carolina has to be pretty happy about this. While they get an all-expense paid trip to the Big Easy, ULL gets a 135 mile bus ride; advantage Pirates. Prediction; Louisiana-Lafayette.
• Orange (Jan. 1): Northern Illinois (12-1) vs. Florida State (11-2). Nobody thinks that NIU belongs. No one thinks that they have a shot at winning this game. They lost their coach to NC State and their reward is a trip to face the ACC champ. Despite all this, I feel this game goes a lot more like the Boise State-Oklahoma game than the Hawaii-Georgia game that everyone is comparing it to. If NC State can beat FSU, so can NIU. Prediction: Northern Illinois.
• Outback (Jan. 1): South Carolina (10-2) vs. Michigan (8-4). One of the best games on the slate will pit the storied Michigan program against an upstart South Carolina team. It’s a shame for Michigan that they’re going to bookend their season with a pair SEC style beatdowns. Prediction: South Carolina.
• Pinstripe (Dec. 29): Syracuse (7-5) vs. West Virginia (7-5). This game looks so shitty on paper that I can’t even make a joke about it. Prediction: West Virginia.
• Poinsettia (Dec. 20): San Diego State (9-3) vs. BYU (7-5). Another one of the “bus ride bowls” rewards San Diego State for their fine season with a home game. BYU gets an opportunity to spread the gospel in So Cal, which is where I would want to take my mission trip if New Orleans and Las Vegas got voted down. Prediction: San Diego State.
• Rose (Jan. 1): Stanford (11-2) vs. Wisconsin (8-5). The Big 10 is not getting near enough shit for Wisconsin being the default Big 10 representative in this game. If there is any justice in the world, Stanford will win this by three touchdowns. Prediction: Stanford.
• Russell Athletic (Dec. 28): Rutgers (9-3) vs. Virginia Tech (6-6). Anyone who thinks that Virginia Tech is automatically going to win this game simply because they are Virginia Tech has obviously not watched Tech play this season. Prediction: Rutgers.
• Sugar (Jan. 2): Florida (11-1) vs. Louisville (10-2). I really want to pick Louisville here. I really do. QB Teddy Bridgewater is one heck of a player and Charlie Strong is one heck of a coach, but ultimately Florida is still Florida. I just don’t think that the up-and-coming Cardinals are going to pull it off this year. Prediction: Florida.
• Sun (Dec. 31): USC (7-5) vs. Georgia Tech (6-7). Unless this last year has allowed Matt Barkley to nail every attractive co-ed at USC, no one on this planet (Matt included) can convince me that he’s still happy with his decision to return for one last season and a trip to the Sun Bowl. Prediction: USC.