The SEC and Everyone Else

We had to let T.O. go

2011-05-29T07:36:00.000-04:00

Let me start by apologizing to our readers (all ten of them), for taking the majority of the 2010-2011 season off. As I alluded to in my open letter to Tim Tebow, Mrs. Surly was much like Terrell Owens, and much like T.O., there is only so much shit a team can take before cutting her from the roster. Unfortunately, this left me, Surly, in rebuilding mode last year. I took the cap penalty, still have money tied up in paying a player no longer on the team, and I had to move to a new practice facility. Fortunately, I've been able to give tryouts to a lot of new, younger talent, and the show will go on. The good news is that cutting T.O. will free up the time I spent "managing personalities" which can now be dedicated to making this blog the best it can be. Thank you for your patience and continued readership.

Pure Michigan: U of M Football

2010-09-26T14:34:00.001-04:00

Mark Ingram will play when Alabama faces Duke on Sept. 18 - NCAA Football - SI.com

2010-09-15T14:18:00.000-04:00

In related news, Duke announces that it will now lose by an additional two touchdowns to the Crimson Tide.

Mark Ingram will play when Alabama faces Duke on Sept. 18 - NCAA Football - SI.com

Big Ass-National Championshippy-Type Games

2010-09-08T20:03:00.006-04:00

This weekend is chock full of games that would have been awesome were they being played at specific points in the past, but aren't quite as awesome now, though they are pretty cool. Beats the hell out of a mostly yawner first weekend (except for this--sorry, Surly). To wit:

Alabama-Penn State. Once upon a time, Bama and Penn State were coached by Bear Bryant and Joe Paterno, and they met to decide national championships. See, here's Bama stopping Penn State like this due to incredibly hardheaded playcalling--play-action pass, anyone? Bama won that game 14-7 and gained their 47th national title*.

This weekend is completely different, though--no title is at stake, Bryant and Paterno are dead**, and the outcome is likely to be much different. Well, the 7-points-for-Penn-State part will probably NOT be different, since the Nits are starting a new, non-mobile QB and are thus scheduled for an 8-4 season. Bama should get a good bit more than 14, though.

Oklahoma-Florida State. Look, I loathe Bob Stoops and the Sooners and hope that they die in a fire. Nevertheless, I was then and still continue to be amazed at what OU did to the Seminoles in the 2001 Orange Bowl. By making plays like this, the Sooners held FSU, a team that averaged 42 points a game in the regular season, to.... 2 points. Which came on a safety due to a bad punt snap. That defense was amazing and proof of Bob Stoops' deal with/actual embodiment of the devil.

Now, however, FSU is Bowden-less and led by a man named Jimbo, and OU's defense hasn't been the same since Bob's brother Mike departed for the desert. Who knows what this game will bring, though one thing's for certain: it's a Stoops Bowl! Hopefully there won't be many more of these; we don't need more Stoopses, and definitely not in bowls.

Ohio State-Miami. Do I really need to go over this one? It all started with this--well, there was no pro-OSU analysis or awful faux-techno music, but there was a really controversial play, and Dan Fouts scolding the replay like it was a dog that peed on his rug. ("Bad call! BAD CALL!") Lest we forget, that did NOT decide the game, and the game actually ended like this--Cie Grant represent!

Since the Fiesta Bowl, Ohio State has morphed into a midwestern power that can't beat Southern teams in BCS bowl games, and Miami has plunged off a cliff and become indistinguishable from USF, UCF, and other Fs. (Note to ESPN: the Fiesta Bowl was NOT a "program-altering" event for Miami. Larry Coker was in over his head as a coach, and time would have borne that out regardless of the game's outcome.) Despite Da U's slippage from the ranks of the elite, the team and fans have managed to continue some of the Hurricanes' traditions, like this and this.

Allegedly, Miami is getting great again, or thinks that it is, and the players and fans (all three dozen of them) are packing their pistols, submachine guns, etc, for the trip to Columbus. Cocaine versus Cornhole! Scarface versus Slingblade! The cultural clash promises to be mighty, the game a little less so. Miami is not deep enough or good enough, especially on defense, to win this game, and tOSU is ready to explode with a moderately risk-taking offense. Canes go home losers again, and there will be no controversy.

*Alabama-specific national-title-counting system
**I think--looks like the part of Paterno is being played by a Krofft puppet.

Five things we learned last week...

2010-09-06T21:36:00.000-04:00

Praise Allah, we have finally gotten to the college football season. Shit has happened this week as would be expected. Kansas looked like shit, Florida’s offense was offensive, and Navy’s Cinderella dreams were vanquished. Other things we learned:

Nothing good comes of scheduling FCS teams. Houston Nutt and the Ole Miss “Rebels without a defense” lost to Jacksonville State. That’s MSU losing to Maine bad. It reinforces my belief that coaches should not schedule other coaches who they are friends with. I may be an Ole Miss homer, but I believe that Nutt took his foot off the gas out of respect for Jack Crowe. Mistake. Big Mistake. You have to schedule people you hate. That way you won’t take your foot off their throat once your foot is in place. More importantly, what happens if you win? You beat up a little kid. Nothing more. If you lose, you’re on SportsCenter looking shitty for a week. Why not play a really good team? Win or lose, you either pull the major upset or “should have lost”. Much better than “bully” or “douche bag”.
The Locker Heisman campaign may have been premature. Not “Pitt for National Champions” premature, but premature. His 20 of 37 day was not bad, but pretty pedestrian for a “first round draft pick”.
The Boise State Ed Hardy uniforms were inexplicably more attractive than the Virginia Tech WTF uniforms. Neither would have happened if Joe Paterno was still alive.
Ndamukong Suh hunts quarterbacks. That, and BP is hunting oil in the gulf as if it gives a fuck. There should be a law regulating the number of times you can show a commercial during a specific type of sporting event. If you’re like me and watch a lot of college football, you find yourself watching the same commercials over and over again. If I see that bitch from progressive say “hello” in robot voice one more time I might choke someone.
Who’s that man coaching the Pirates? He’s a big one. Ruffin McNeill had a successful homecoming this week. He is the man in charge of the football team who won his first game at his alma mater, ECU, which is a great story. I’ve heard it said that someone is “Half the man he used to be.” Well, Coach McNeill is three time the man he used to be. Now, I’m happy that there aren’t pictures of me from my football career on the internet so that folks can juxtapose my slim youth against my “full figured” middle age, but damn.

Today we are all Hokie fans

2010-09-06T15:27:00.003-04:00

For the love of all that is good and holy, Virginia Tech simply MUST defeat Boise State tonight. Otherwise, only Oregon State figures to stand between BSU and the national title game, a fact that offends both intuition and reason. Lest we forget, Oregon State has managed to lose at least two games by the end of September every year since 2005--including a loss to the potato people in 2006--so I'm not confident the Beavers can come to the aid of sane, rational football fans everywhere.

I know it's possible that Alabama and Ohio State could run the table and shut Boise out, but I don't put the likelihood of that very high. I think at least one will get clipped somewhere along the way.

I know it's not Boise's fault they're in a miserable conference many of whose members would not be competitive in the FCS. And I know they attempt to schedule non-conference powers whenever they can (tonight's game a case in point). However, winning one and MAYBE two difficult games should NOT qualify you for a national title. Not when Ohio State has Miami, Penn State, Iowa, and Wisconsin. Not when Bama has Florida, LSU, etc. Not when Oklahoma (fuck OU) has Texas, Florida State, and teams like Texas A$M, Oklahoma State, and Texas Tech; those latter three teams aren't great but are probably better than anyone in the WAC outside Boise and possibly Fresno State.

I think it's instructive that, although Boise is ranked #3 in the human polls, the Sagarin ratings currently have them sitting at #12. There are some anomalies in these ratings (like U$C at #4), but when you are using data-driven algorithms with few inputs to date, that will happen. In the preseason Massey ratings, Boise State is #6. These seem reasonable to me... they reflect the notion that Boise State is very good, but just hasn't done enough to be considered "great," not enough to be sitting at #3 in the preseason polls.

And I'm sorry, the schedule is a damn joke for Boise. In the final 2009 Sagarin ratings, their schedule strength was a miserable #96 (and Virginia Tech, by the way, had the 13th roughest schedule). Recall that 2009 included a high-profile home game against Oregon... and that's pretty much it. That low ranking offends common sense--you shouldn't be rewarded for an incredibly weak schedule with the opportunity for a national title. Again again, I know it's not their fault, etc... but if you play your conference games at the kids' table, you don't deserve a trip to the executive dining room.

I think PREVAIL AND RIDE expresses what I am feeling the best:

Finally, an article that makes Surly appear well.. less surly

2010-08-30T18:27:00.003-04:00

This may be the angriest, most hate filled column ever. It is also extremely vulgar on a very amusing level. Enjoy!

2010 PAC-10 Power Rankings

2010-08-30T17:58:00.000-04:00

As promised, I’ve run out of steam. As much as I’d like to write 500 words about the Big East and how they are vastly overrated this year, I just don’t care enough to do it. But trust me, the Big Easy is overrated. This is the last installment of my preseason power rankings. If I’m right about anything in them, I’ll remind you in about three months.

Oregon – The fighting Nikes look poised to take sole possession of the top of the heap, at least until Utah shows up. The ducks have lost Masoli to exile and Blount to the NFL, but they are still the class of a really weak PAC-10. Don’t expect the national champion to come from this “power” conference, but the Ducks will lead a crop of really good (but not great) teams behind the leadership of their sophomore QB Darron Thomas.
Oregon State – Although I fully expect the Beavers to open the season 1-2, with early losses to TCU and Boise State, I think the Beavers will rebound and have a nice showing in conference. Like their in-state rivals, the Beavers are breaking in a new QB who can be expected to struggle in the early going. Luckily, they have the Rodgers brothers. Unfortunately, they don’t have much else. Oh yea, and then there’s that kid that got tazed while charging the police butt ass naked. Classy!
Washington – If I hear one more person talk about Jake Locker like he’s just waiting to fly to NY and pick up his Heisman, I’m going to go LeGarrette Blount on somebody. I don’t see more than seven wins on their schedule, and as we all know, your team has to win ten games for you to win the Heisman. On the upside, even if your accomplishments are wiped from the record books, you get to keep it once you win it (I’m looking at you Reggie Bush). I might be wrong about the Huskies, since they do return 17 starters, but I think that their tough non-conference schedule (i.e., BYU, Nebraska) will wear them down enough for a few winnable conference games to escape them.
Arizona – This is a team that went 8-5 last year with a 6-3 conference record. I think that they can come close to that record this year, but they’re entering the year with a new offensive coordinator and a number of freshmen in the starting line-up. I think those will factor into why they will not show marked improvement this year.
Southern California – Full disclosure; I can’t fucking stand Lane Kiffin. To me, he is the poster child for riding coat tails and pedigree to fame and fortune. Unfortunately, pedigree doesn’t translate to wins. The only accomplishment of his that I can get behind is his marriage to Malibu Barbie. That said, I think the fightin’ Kiffins are in for a rough year. I see 8 wins in their future, but no more.
Stanford – No more Toby Gerhart and after this season, no more Jim Harbaugh. That said, the Cardinal should manage to replicate their eight wins from last year on the talents of QB Andrew Luck. Unfortunately, they’re going to go back to the shitter next year like they do every time their up and coming coach leaves for greener pastures (see Willingham, Ty and Greene, Dennis), because they are who we thought they were.
California – Jahvid Best ain’t coming back and inconsistent senior quarterback Kevin Riley isn’t going to get the job done. Sure, they’ll become bowl eligible, but they’re not going to contend in the conference with their lousy pass defense (111^th last year) and inconsistent offensive play.
UCLA – In a perfect world, UCLA would ascend to the throne in Slick Rick’s third season at the helm with the demise of cross town rival and directional school Southern Cal. But they aren’t going to.
Arizona State – Did you know that Dennis Erickson had five 10+ win seasons in six years at Miami but only two since? He’s also had a losing record in five of the eight seasons he’s coached in the college ranks since. Guess what? He’s about to go six of nine.
Washington State – When someone talks about having something “up the wazzu,” this team is what they’re talking about.

BCS dominance, fierce fans make SEC football nation's best

2010-08-24T16:04:00.000-04:00

Check out this article by Andy Staples at Sports Illustrated for an interesting take on SEC superiority...and why it matters:
BCS dominance, fierce fans make SEC football nation's best

2010 ACC Power Rankings

2010-08-22T18:15:00.000-04:00

Note: This part three of my preseason series. If I make it past the PAC-10 it will only be because I really want to hate on the Big East.

The ACC is very quickly becoming irrelevant. I believe that it’s more likely that the national champion will come from the Big Easy (i.e., Pitt) than the ACC. I know that everyone is enamored with North Carolina, but they are about as much of a threat to win the national championship as Ole Miss. Sure, they have an awesome defense, but they don’t have the depth that it takes to win. Heck, I believe that Boise State has a better chance to win it all than all of the ACC teams combined. On top of that, the dumb ass “Atlantic” and “Coastal” thing pisses me off. Anywho, here is how I see things right now:

Atlantic

Clemson – Here comes Dabo, hide your shit. While the ACC Atlantic division is abjectly horrible, the Clemson Tigers should win their annual 8-9 games and the division while remaining completely irrelevant on the national scene.
Boston College – Finally, a Catholic school that can win more than six games. Frank Spaziani won 8 games last year and should win that many this year. They might usurp Clemson, but trust me, you won’t care.
Florida State – We’ll always miss Coach Leghorn.
North Carolina State – Tom O’Brien should have done some research before taking this job. Only one coach has posted a 70% or better winning percentage since 1920. That coach, Lou Holtz (.719).
Wake Forest – Remember when Wake was the next big thing?
Maryland – Ever wonder what would happen if the University of Houston was included in the Big 12 expansion? Maryland, that’s what.

Coastal

Georgia Tech – As I prophesized here, Georgia Tech is relevant again. The fighting Johnsons are primed for a run, and despite the AP ranking behind Miami, I think they’ll take another step this year. Just not to the BCS championship game.
Virginia Tech – If nothing else, they have running backs. The problem is that, on offense, they have nothing else. Virginia Tech has won at least 10 games for the last seven years. I expect this to continue. Unfortunately, this will keep them in the “very good” category for the foreseeable future (i.e., until Beamer retires).
Miami (FL) – Ever wonder what Miami would have been in a parallel universe where Howard Schnellenberger never came to Miami? One could argue that the program would have continued to decline in the modern era, and that Miami would have been just another one of the private schools that perennially underfunds athletics and remains mired in mediocrity for all eternity (see Wake Forest). Well, I don’t think they’re going to be a 6-7 win team, but I think that they’re about to top out as a 9-10 win team. They have an exciting young QB in Harris, but they just don’t have the team around him to challenge for the ACC title this year.
North Carolina – I know that everyone is in love with Butch and his team. I am also aware that my employment by the UNC system by a school other than UNC-CH (i.e., the school that hoards resources like Snooki hoards schnapps) clouds my judgment. But I also know that the team is under investigation by the NCAA, their offense was horrible last year, and their defense can only do so much.
Virginia – Virginia will be good soon. Not great, and not real soon, but good. And not this year.
Duke – Why any coach hoping to win a national championship would take this job escapes me. Oh wait, I forgot David Cutcliffe was head coach. Even the most hard core Cutcliffe apologist (I’m looking at you, Stewart Mandel) can’t argue that a journeyman coach who takes a job like Duke is only hoping to run out the clock while potentially reviving the program enough for folks to say “wow, he really took them from being shitty to perennial mediocrity.” That said, they might actually win six games, so that they can go to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl to face the fourth ranked WAC team, who will beat them.

Holy crap, Rick Reilly actually wrote something that makes sense

2010-08-17T16:51:00.000-04:00

It doesn't happen often, so you might want to read this one: Rick Reilly: Random Wallet Testing - ESPN

In essence, Rick is suggesting that coaches might, just might want to ask players where all the stuff (e.g., cars, jewelry, etc) are coming from. Nice idea, but not gonna happen. He also advances the old notion that players actually might get a cut of the money they're making for the schools. If anyone (ANYONE) can tell me why a percent of the revenue shouldn't be pooled and divided among all scholarship football players. Don't give me the competitive disadvantage argument, because a kid at Alabama would get the same money as a kid a Troy. For example, if the 85 scholarship players at all 120 FBS schools received 10k per year for their services, plus benefits, then it would cost 102 million. For perspective, this would cost less than the annual payout for the SECs TV deal. Sure, the big boys would grumble about sharing the pie with the likes of the Sun Belt, but knocking them down to FCS status would be a good thing. I'm not saying this is the final answer, but it's more equitable than what we have now. For the record, I haven't decided if all the other sports besides men's basketball would send a bill to the players. I'll get back to you.

2010 Big XII Power Rankings

2010-08-05T21:54:00.002-04:00

Note: This part two of my preseason series. I will most likely lose momentum somewhere around Conference USA.

This is the last year for the Big XII before they enter the land of the Big Ten (i.e., conferences whose leading officials can’t count). Unlike the more scholarly, soon to be Pac-12, the Big XII will have only ten teams next year unless they can entice some new teams to join up. While it’s still a possibility (hello, TCU and SMU), right now, it looks like they’re stuck with ten teams. Anyhoo, with that duly noted, here’s how I see the teams right now.

North

Nebraska – Right now everyone loves the Huskers. And what’s not to love, despite losing a top draft pick from the D line, they have a potent team returning. The Huskers should be allowed to bask in the love until at least mid October, when they get a rebuilding Longhorn team at home. Sure, a lot of folks are in love with Washington too (who visits on 9/18), but the odds are that they’ll survive the murderers row of Western Kentucky, Idaho, and (GULP) the Jackrabbits of South Dakota State. If the children of the corn are going to make it back to their glory days on the way to the Big 11, this is the schedule to do it with.
Missouri – The good news is that the Tigers are bringing back 17 starters to a team that won eight games last year. And Pinkel is excited about this team, though you couldn’t tell by the picture accompanying this story. Unfortunately, starting QB Gabbert isn’t going to have enough targets to overcome the Huskers.
Colorado – Could this be the end of Dan Hawkins? He has to demote his kid from starting QB, which is just shy of punching your nine year old son in the face for getting ejected from a little league game. All things considered, it’s the worst of both worlds. When he gets fired for not taking the Buffs bowling, his wife will still not be talking to him.
Kansas – On the upside, the Jayhawks are 95% less likely to lose their coach to a massive coronary in the middle of a game. Additionally, they have one of the hottest, up and coming coaches in Turner Gill. The bad news is that, in addition having lost a lot of passing ability (see Reesing, Todd), they can’t run the ball to save their life. Or stop anyone from scoring.
Kansas State – The good news is that the Wildcats have a legendary coach. The bad news is that he only came out of retirement after the previous guy ran the program into the ground. Oh yea, and they have no quarterback. Oh yea, and he’s only legendary by K-State standards.
Iowa State – Do they still have a team?

South

Oklahoma – It gives me great pain to put the Sooners on the top line here. The Sooners have been relatively innocuous lately. For the better part of the last decade, they have lost to Texas, beat everyone else in the Big XII, then lost to anyone that they played in a BCS bowl. And that’s good, because Sooner fan is pretty damn annoying when they’re up (see the early 2000s). This is true for a basic reason; it really sucks to live in Oklahoma. Have you been there? It’s only slightly less painful than living in Kansas, where right now, some government representative is proposing that a picture book showing Jesus riding a dinosaur be the primary text for high school science classes. I really hope I’m wrong here. About the Sooners, not the picture book.
Texas – Mack and the marketing machine that is Texas Football^© are in a reloading year. A reloading year is when you’re at a school that considers eight wins a down year. A rebuilding year, for example, is like every year at Baylor. Anywho, Texas will win plenty of games, lose a few they shouldn’t (hello Aggie), head to a decent bowl, and prepare for next year.
Texas A&M – This is the year for Aggie. And by “the year”, I mean that they’ll finally get back to the mediocrity of the R.C. Slocum days. While Jerrod Johnson is a superstar, the defense, which hemorrhaged points last year, has a new coordinator that would have to sacrifice a whole chicken to get them even in the top 60 defenses in the land.
Baylor – This “optimistic” fourth place finish (it’s all relative) is all predicated on Robert Griffin staying healthy. Heck, even I was rooting for the kid last year and have to admit that I actually cared when he went down with an ACL injury. I haven’t cared about anything vaguely related to Baylor since I had sex with the daughter of one of the Baylor coaches back in the nineties. Anywho, they might make a bowl if Griffin can stay healthy.
Oklahoma State – When I was in high school with OSU QB Brandon Weeden back in the early 90’s, he used to joke that what he loved about high school girls was that he got older, they stayed the same age. Ok, I may be confusing Weeden with Wooderson, but the 26 year old QB has his work cut out for himself. Mike Gundy is still a man (that never gets old), but he’s a man in a rebuilding year.
Texas Tech – The former Riverboat Gambler (now the Tumbleweed Wrangler), will stumble in his first year. Despite having the director of Supersize Me at quarterback, the Raiders will struggle this year. Having lost the defensive staff (to ECU) and the Crazy Pirate (to Crazy), it will be a rough year for the Raiders unless they can coalesce quickly. On the upside, they have announced changes for training camp. One can only hope that one of them will be a new policy regarding when or when not to lock up a whiney kid in a storage shed (whose helicopter parent is a TV commentator).

Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down

2010-07-30T09:34:00.001-04:00

In the interest of giving you something to read, here is a nice piece of "journalism" from The Onion:

Lip-Reading BCS Computer Kills Officials Who Want To Shut It Down | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

2010 SEC Power Rankings

2010-07-26T23:55:00.005-04:00

Note: This is the first of my pre-season power rankings for the 2010 NCAA Football Season that I may or may not finish (because, let's face it; it gets pretty ugly by the time I get to the MAC.)

I have long considered submitting some sort of Top 25, 20, or 10 list at the beginning of the season. But then I realized how insanely stupid those things are. Let's face it, I could probably guess the 10 of the top 20 teams at the end of the season, in some order, but it would be a complete crap shoot. For every one I got right, there would be one that made me look like a complete idiot. Let's face it, if you're telling me that you knew that Oklahoma and Georgia would both go into the shitter last year while Iowa and Cincinnati would both finish in the AP top 10, you're lying. Thus, instead of insulting your intelligence and suggesting that I know the future about the top 25 teams at the end of the season, I am giving you my power ranking for each of the conferences. These are simply where I think the teams are relative to each other before the season starts. These are subject to change. They mean absolutely nothing. They are just giving you something to read in the five weeks leading up to the start of the season. Don't give me shit because I don't like your team as much as you do.

West

Alabama – They have a good stable of horses coming back, they won it all last year (due to injury), and they're still Saban's team. I hope they lose 8 games, but it ain't happening.
LSU – "He of the horrible clock management skills" will pull it back together and field a decent team this year just so he can bolt when the Wolverine's coaching vacancy opens up. Only he won't have to resign since he'll find a way lose to Ole Miss and Arkansas at the end of the year, thus ensuring his departure.
Auburn – The Tigers will take a page out of the Clemson Tiger's book this year by coming out strong, getting ranked, and then stinking up the field for three of their last five games. But they won't be that horrible overall.
Ole Miss – Everyone is acting like the Rebels won every game last year on great quarterback play. Thus, now that Sneed and his 20/20, TD/interception ratio are heading to the United Football League (eventually), the Rebels are toast. I happen to think that they're going to go bowling again (maybe not cotton), but they aren't going back to the days of coach Yaw Yaw.
Arkansas – I have faith that Ryan "Ridin' Dirty" Mallett will throw up amazing numbers this season. I also have faith that every QB that plays the Hogs will also throw up amazing numbers.
Mississippi State – I really want to believe that the Bulldogs are going to turn it around this year. Wait, no I don't. Fuck them. The Egg Bowl is in Oxford, the offense is going to be horrible, and I hate them all so much.

East

Florida – God boy is gone, so the new players will have to remove their own foreskin this year. This is the year that you'll realize that it wasn't so much Tebow's greatness as it was the Gator's greatness that Tebow just happened to be a part of.
Georgia – Richt has got to win this season or he's going to be unemployed. One more beat down at the hands of the Gators and he might still be out with 9 wins.
South Carolina – Well, the Old Ball Coach hasn't quite gotten it done at USC (no, not the one with the young a-hole coach, they one with the older, kinda funny, but still kinda an a-hole coach). On a related note, Garcia will get yanked by the fourth game. On an unrelated note, this is why I have no faith in the youth of our nation.
Tennessee – The coaching staff has 80% less asshole. That's a good thing. Unfortunately, unless the NCAA starts awarding points for beating up undercover police officers, the Vols aren't going to do very well this season.
Kentucky – Hello Joker. I think that Coach Phillips season will probably go a little better than that clip, but not much.

Vanderbilt – Much has been made of the fact that coach Caldwell is a breath of fresh air. I will be rooting for the Commodores to win all but one game this year, but I'm afraid that, in this conference, a-holes win a lot more games than good guys. Well, except at Ole Miss.

Thank god for Squidbillies

2010-07-22T06:09:00.004-04:00

If you don't know what it is, get out from under your rock and start watching the funniest, filthiest animated show on TV. One of their recent episodes involved a character named "Tom Treebow," who plays for the University of the Peninsular State Just Below Georgia. (It's a totally original character not inspired by any particular player recently drafted way too high by the Denver Broncos.)

Any show that manages to compare Jesus to the Predator is genius. And it's so appropriate that a show set in north Georgia would choose to lampoon college football.

Just a couple more weeks till two-a-days start. The offseason is almost over...

Pat Haden will replace Mike Garrett as USC athletics director

2010-07-20T19:26:00.000-04:00

They say that all good things must come to an end. Evidently, things that are so F'ed up that they aren't even comical come to an end too. Far be it for me to pity the University of Spoiled Children, but I have to feel a little bad for their students and alumni that had to endure the awkward silence over the many weeks since the NCAA decision was handed down. Everyone knew that Garrett was a dead man walking, but it took USC so long to get rid of him, you thought that they might go all Mark Sanford on us and let him stay in his post for no particular reason. Oh well. At least he's gone now. Read more about it here:

Pat Haden will replace Mike Garrett as USC athletics director - NCAA Football - SI.com

More funny to keep you occupied for another six weeks or so

2010-07-19T20:59:00.000-04:00

Ok, either these guys are really hyped about the Vandals or they're trying to send a message to their girlfriends. Or boyfriends (not that there's anything wrong with that). Either way, it is just one more reason that I love college football.

The Humor From the Great State Of Alabama Doesn't Stop!

2010-07-15T21:07:00.004-04:00

Ok, so one video wasn't enough. Check out the video below to enjoy Alabamians making bad music even worse! Unfortunately after viewing this video yesterday the hook to this wretched musical project has been stuck in my head for almost 24 hours. With that said don't say you haven't been warned!

Enjoy Some Pre-Season Humor

2010-07-15T21:02:00.006-04:00

After watching this video I'm sure the rest of the SEC is scared to death to play Auburn.

Congratulations to the USC Gamecocks

2010-06-30T11:05:00.000-04:00

I think we should all congratulate the USC Gamecocks Baseball team for winning the 2010 college world series. They won the last tournament to be held in Johnny Rosenblatt Stadium and beat a west coast team doing it. This is the first men's national championship for South Carolina, which is pretty remarkable considering that the school is older than the other USC which collects championships like it's buying them. Oh wait, bad analogy. Anyway, congrats to the Gamecocks for winning the series while maintaining the most offensive nickname in Division I college sports.

No I like it sweetie, really, I do...

2010-06-16T21:10:00.002-04:00

If you’ve been in a relationship for any period of time, then you’ve inevitably had one of those experiences where your wife or girlfriend tells you that she’s got something special planned for you. You may be out of town on business, or it may be the week of your anniversary, but either way, she starts teasing you with this big surprise. Oh, and “you’re going to like it.” Because you’re a guy, you always assume it can only be one thing. In your mind, you’re coming home Friday to her and her hot friend scantily dressed and having a pillow fight in the bedroom, asking you to join them. Unfortunately, when you come home, there she is, standing in your living room with your favorite chair that she has had reupholstered. It’s nice, it’s something you’ve always wanted, it’s just not hot girl on girl action. Such is life.

No, I haven’t confused this sports blog with one of those websites where fat, sex deprived middle-aged women submit amateur erotica. Unfortunately, this is the only analogy that I can think of that fully captures the recent conference realignment. If you asked me four months ago if I would like to see both the Big Eleven and the PAC-10 add one and two teams (respectively) so that they could stage a championship game, I would have been ecstatic. If you also told me that Nebraska would be one of them, thus rendering the Big XII a shell of its former self so that my beloved Longhorns would only have to beat two legitimate teams in any given year to reach the BCS championship, I would have started singing praises to six story flaming Jesus. Unfortunately, I was teased with the thought of the destruction of the Big XII, the Big East, Notre Dame's independent status; the demotion of the MAC and Sun Belt conferences, the independence of the Air Force Academy, and an 8 team playoff. It was basically all my dreams come true. But it wasn’t to be. In the end, I’m happy. My chair got reupholstered, and I’ll enjoy that very much when football season rolls around in 2011. But I’ll also always be haunted with the vision of what might have been, and pissed off when the Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes ultimately start winning again. At least I have the USC “Vegetative State” penalty going for me, which is nice.

It only LOOKED like a done deal...

2010-06-14T19:21:00.002-04:00

.... so perhaps we jumped the gun on the whole "Texas to the Pac 16/Pac West/Pac Tex" conference thing.

Texas and the remaining Big XII schools commit to staying in the Big XII???

This honestly feels like forestalling the inevitable to me--this conference is still a dead man walking. I don't know why UT of all schools wants to re-live the last days of the Southwest Conference. Granted Texas and OU form a strong football conference... but this just doesn't seem like a huge TV draw, UT or not. I am unimpressed.

And now that the Big Ten will have 12 teams, and the Big XII will have 10... clearly we need to do something about the names.

This just about sounds like a done deal

2010-06-12T07:40:00.002-04:00

Apparently, Texas is all but certain to jump to the Pac 10 along with Texas Tech on Tuesday--so says the Longhorns' hometown newspaper.

What's interesting to me is that Texas A$M is apparently wavering and toying with the idea of moving to the SEC. Careful what you wish for, aggy. Arkansas jumped to the SEC after 1991, and although I'm sure it's paid off financially for them, their football program has been mediocre at best. I think the same thing would happen to A$M; they've barely been treading water in the Big XII for a decade, and they would get nuked on a regular basis in, presumably, an expanded SEC West that features Bama and LSU programs that are way, way ahead of aggy. Whomever they play in the SEC East each season would probably clobber them as well. The SEC doesn't really have any Baylor/Iowa State/Colorado punching bags like the Big XII.

Also, aggy has a little-brother complex about Texas. Much of aggy's identity is invested in beating and bettering UT. Should UT and aggy go their separate ways, it is safe to say Texas will give them the same treatment they gave Arkansas--i.e., refuse to schedule them, except rarely. Texas does not need aggy--the OU rivalry will still be there, and almost everyone hates the Longhorns anyway! I wonder how aggy would handle the loss of its biggest rival (to say nothing of losing the rivalry with Tech, which has grown bitter in recent years).

More defections

2010-06-11T16:00:00.000-04:00

Some things in life are newsworthy, but they just aren't news, since everyone who is paying attention saw it coming. Much like Lindsay Lohan violating her probation, BSU joining the Mountain West and Nebraska applying to join the Big Eleven just isn't surprising. Nope, just like Ricky Martin coming out of the closet, it's almost anti-climactic. That said, the Big XII is in it's death throws, and the Mountain West is bulking up faster than Barry Bonds, but the best is yet to come.

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

2010-06-10T15:23:00.000-04:00

Ok, maybe it's not the end of days, or even the coming of Gozer the Gozerian, but big things are happening. We at the SECaEE have been staying away from the whole re-alignment mess until the dust settles, but trust me, I'll have something to say when everything is done. Let me say that this whole mess will not be worth it unless it results in the destruction of the Big XII, the Big East, and Notre Dame's independent status. If it also resulted in the demotion of the MAC and Sun Belt conferences, the independence of the Air Force Academy, and an 8 team playoff, all would be right in college football, but I suppose that's too much to ask.

There is a god....

2010-06-10T05:54:00.001-04:00

... and he/she/it is a UCLA fan:

Remember when USC was really good at football? Yeah, that won't happen again for awhile.

Poetic justice for the school arrogant and/or stupid enough to hire Lane Kiffin.

Tired memes about scheduling from a lazy blogger

2010-05-16T18:45:00.001-04:00

Recently, one of our readers took offense to my characterization of the upcoming Ohio State non-conference schedule as weak. While I think that the schedule in question is pretty flimsy (Miami [FL] not withstanding), I could probably make that same comment about 90% of the major conference team schedules. It did get me thinking though; what makes a “good” non-conference schedule? I think it’s probably more of an art than a science, mostly due to the mixture of variables involved. While none of us like for someone else to point out that our team has a soft non-conference slate, sometimes it’s a good idea to have a soft schedule and sometimes, it isn’t the teams fault for having a bunch of creampuffs. Here is a list of reasons why:

You can’t control your conference. Every conference has bad years. Sometimes you just hit the rotation right and get all the bad teams in the same year. For example, Texas in 2009 had four conference foes that usually put up a pretty good fight (CU, A$M, and recently, Kansas and Mizzou) who just happened to be pretty bad. If they’re good, you don’t get so upset about ULM and UCF. But they weren’t, so everyone was crying about UT’s schedule, and rightfully so.

Teams tend to schedule years in advance. Who knows when OSU scheduled Miami (FL), but if it was in the last 12 months, you have to give them credit. If it was three years ago, maybe a little less. You see this all the time with big time match-ups that just don’t work out that way (see U Tennessee and UCLA).

Teams get better or worse over time. I’ll never forgive my alma mater (Texas) for backing out of a game with Hawaii a few years back after realizing that they weren’t going to be the cupcake that we signed on for. Having said that, you have to keep balance; if your conference is up, you have to schedule down. If your conference sucks (I’m looking at you, ACC) then you need to schedule up. Either way, you never know until long after you can do much about it.

In the end, this problem is the only defensible argument Notre Dame has for staying independent. Schedule too soft and you’re Auburn circa 2004. Too hard, and you’re a one or two loss team that misses the big game despite being better than the team that gets to go (usually OSU as of late). In the end, while we blame teams like OSU for going to the championship game despite having played a relatively soft schedule, it’s not their fault that Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Northwestern…hell, the whole Big 11 except Penn State and Wisconsin (for the first 8 games), sucks. All I can say is, if we had a playoff, teams could just prove their worth on the field and keep folks like myself and our agitated reader focused on bigger things…like realignment.

Ole Miss, you're doing it wrong

2010-05-14T13:15:00.000-04:00

News just broke that Ole Miss will be playing Boise State in 2011. While I applaud the moxie, it doesn't negate the ill effects of having Jacksonville State (2010) and Southern Illinois (2011) on the schedule. The home and home with Fresno State is a much better idea, since they are a good team (not great) that they can beat AND they are getting a nice trip to the west coast out of the deal (e.g., hey, we're a national program). I think beating four DI, non-Sun Belt, non-MAC teams is a better strategy than scheduling a potential home loss (i.e., BSU) and a home snorer (i.e., SIU).

Oh why must football season come but once a year?

2010-04-29T08:08:00.003-04:00

Well, the time has come to admit that nothing very interesting is going to happen in the world of college football for a few months. Oh sure, we could cover spring football, but what would we say? "Terrelle Pryor looks good against a lethargic defense?” We’ll get to say that for most of the month of September when OSU is up against the murderer’s row of Marshal, Miami (FL), Ohio, and (gulp) Eastern Michigan. We could say something like “it looks like Bama has reloaded on defense, but only time will tell.” Unfortunately, we’re saving that for their season opener against San Jose State. No, we’re going to do the only admirable thing and take three months to hibernate and prepare for the fall. Sure, if the expansion arms race heats up, we’ll be here to make pithy comments, but in the interim, I plan on saving my energy for the first event of the fall, which is the release of NCAA Football 2011 for the PS3. In the meantime, check back with us to get the occasional blurb about the college world series, but otherwise prepare yourself for another glorious year of SEC Football…and everyone else.

NFL Draft 2010 according to Surly

2010-04-22T23:07:00.001-04:00

Mel’s hair looks horrible, the commish is a terrible public speaker, Boomer is too loud, Gruden loves QBs; It’s nice to see some things never change. A few things jump out in the “pre game” if you will; 1) the crowd is not loving the Thursday night thing, the opening was horribly hokey, and the Cleveland Browns have the worst front office on the planet. I have a feeling that this will be an interesting night. For tonight, I will give the team, the pick, the grade (with none of that plus/minus crap), and my thoughts. Now on to the picks:

St. Louis Rams: Sam Bradford, U of Oklahoma. Grade “C”. This is a horrible pick for the Rams, and it has little to do with Bradford. He’s a spread QB that needs to sit behind a veteran starter for a couple of years. He does not need to be picked by a team with two abysmal QBs which will force him to play too early. The Rams need so many players, they needed to take almost any offer that would have garnered them more picks. I fear for this kids shoulder.
Detroit Lions: Ndamukong Suh, U of Nebraska. Grade “A”. Suh is a monster. The Lions picked one of the best players in the draft in a position of need. What is not to love? The downside for Suh; if there is a shittier place in the US to live than Nebraska, it’s Detroit. Maybe he can move to Ann Arbor.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Gerald McCoy, U of Oklahoma. Grade “A”. Possibly better than Suh, McCoy is also a beast who didn’t get a chance to shine with the down year for the Sooners. The real emotion that he showed on stage bodes well for the Bucs. As a Bucs fan, I’m pretty damn happy. Now if the Bucs could just draft the other 19-20 players they need.
Washington Redskins: Trent Williams, U of Oklahoma. Grade “B”. True story: I had a chance to interact with Kyle Shanahan (offensive coordinator for the Redskins) about 10 years ago when he was at Texas playing wide receiver (occasionally). In short, he was a complete prick; to counselors, secretaries, me…everyone. I blame his dad. Between that and the facts that; I don’t like OU, don’t know anything about Williams, and think that the “Redskins” have the most offensive, racist nickname on the face of the earth, I hope Williams struggles until the Skins trade him and then goes on to a pro bowl career.
Kansas City Chiefs: Eric Berry, U of Tennessee. Grade “A”. Eric is from the SEC. He is a beast. The Chefs (one of my favorite typos, ever) have themselves one hellova player. Side note, Ditka will sell f*cking anything. I mean, did you see that Superbowl commercial? IS HE SMOKING CRACK!?!? I know McMahan is, but Ditka? I need a beer.
Seattle Seahawks: Russell Okung, Ok State. Grade “A”. The Hawks should get an F for hiring Carroll in the first place. The fact that he didn’t trade the pick for a can of magic beans is a miracle. I half expected him to package all his picks this year to get Matt Leinart from Arizona. That said, the pick of Okung is solid. It’s a position of need, Okung is a perennial pro bowler, and it’s safe. Carroll must be tied up in the corner of the war room.
Cleveland Browns: Joe Haden, U of Florida. Grade “B”. Poor kid. I really mean it. The Browns can destroy anyone’s career. He will either forget how to cover, blow out a knee, get in a motorcycle accident, or start snorting coke. They could get Tebow to do one of these things. Poor kid.
Oakland Raiders: Rolando McClain, U of Alabama. Grade “C”. The Raiders have an uncanny ability to pick players who are good when they don’t need them and ruin their career since they don’t have anyone around them to win games. This is karmic vengeance for McClain playing for Satan in Tuscaloosa.
Buffalo Bills: CJ Spiller, Clemson U. Grade “B”. CJ, you just went from a team who starts over rated then never wins anything to a team that starts off rated horrible then never wins anything. How do you feel? Side Note: I don’t know who is calling in to give their grade on the picks (the polls on the side of the screen), but they are either drunk, high, or just assholes. Berry an “F”? Kiss my ass. I hate UTenn, but that kid can play AND he knocked the shit out of God Boy. FTW! On an unrelated note, whose daughter did McShay sleep with to stay off the telecast until 50 minutes in, and then, only to be stationed in front of that goofy ass CNN-esq touch screen.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Tyson Alualu, U California. Grade “B”. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make jokes about DTs that you’ve seen play once? Hmmmm. IT’S F*CKING HARD!
San Francisco 49ers: Anthony Davis, Rutgers U. Grade “B”. Ok, it’s not as hard as making jokes about O-linemen. I’m sorry, I’ll stop complaining.
San Diego Chargers: Ryan Mathews, Fresno State U. Grade “B”. Let this be a lesson about “post racial” America. After having Toby Gerhart shoved down our throats for the last three months (not the Roethlisberger kind of shoved down our throat), the Chargers take the kid from FSU up the road. Good for them.
Philadelphia Eagles: Brandon Graham, U Michigan. Grade “A”. This kid is another one of those who got lost in the fact that their team, as a whole, sucked. But who cares about that? How great was the “Eagles Suck” chant? It was awesome, that’s how great.
Seattle Seahawks: Earl Thomas, U Texas. Grade “A”. I’m starting to think that the Seahawks paid Carroll to just be a figurehead, like the Queen of England or Bobby Bowden. Let’s face it, picking the Common Man, Earl Thomas (Connelly) is very smart. He’s a cog in the secondary for years to come. Maybe Carroll will trade him for Reggie Bush along with the Seahawks picks next year.
NY Giants: Jason Pierre-Paul, U South Florida. Grade “B”. This is one of those kids who needs a few years to learn the position. His success or failure hinges on his ability to learn. Who knows? I don’t, but I do know he’s a specimen. And he has a lot of college IDs.
Tennessee Titans: Derrick Morgan, Georgia Tech U. Grade “A”. This kid is a specimen. He is going to take some creativity to find the best schemes to put him in, but I think that Fisher can do it. On a related note, how strange is it that the QBs are not coming off the board. I understand Clausen, since, let’s face it, the last good Notre Dame QB was named Montana. That said, what about Colt?
San Francisco 49’ers: Mike Iupati. U Idaho. Grade “B”. Besides hoping that his name means “Runt of the litter”, I don’t have a lot of thoughts on him. He has very little experience in football, dominated inferior athletes, and is really big. Good luck.
Pittsburg Steelers: Maurkice Pouncey, U Florida. Grade “A”. This kid wins the award for “Kid sitting in a living room most indicative that he needs the money.” I could have probably placed third at some point of my life, so I give this out without malice. I also have to root for this kid since Mel gave him the “well spoken” “compliment”. Post racial my ass.
Atlanta Falcons: Sean Weatherspoon, U Mizzou. Grade “B”. I can’t believe a kid with more than a decent tan has a family that still lives in Jasper, Texas. Look it up. I’ll wait.
Houston Texans: Kareem Jackson, U Alabama. Grade “A”. If you play in the AFC you have to have good coverage. This kid can evolve into a shutdown corner. Hopefully, one day soon, we will see him running in for a touchdown with Peyton Manning making that “what the f*ck is that smell” face he makes after he makes a horrible throw.
Cincinnati Bengals: Jermaine Gresham, U Oklahoma. Grade “A”. Let’s face it. Bob Stoops has to have the worst recruiter to coach ration of anyone since John Cooper. What is this, four picks in the first round and counting and his teams perennially underachieve?
Denver Broncos: Demaryius Thomas, Georgia Tech U. Grade “B”. Let the avoidance of Dez Bryant begin.
Green Bay Packers: Bryan Bulaga, U Iowa. Grade “A”. Besides looking like he should be forty, nursing a hernia, and playing in a bowling league, this kid is a player. The Packers need a lineman, so this is a good pick. He is suffering from an association with a previous pick that is under performing (Gallery), so this is a pick of good value.
Dallas Cowboys: Dez Bryant, OK State. Grade “A”. I think that the Cowboys (i.e., Jerry), made a bold move in picking Bryant. It’s a slight risk, but I think that it’s going to pay off. You have to remember that the reason he was suspended was lying about talking to Prime Time. You can bet that Sanders will be put on payroll as a special assistant to keep Bryant in check. I feel good about this, which might have more to do with my fondness for redemption stories than actual evidence, but I still like the pick.
Denver Broncos: Tim Tebow, U Florida. Grade “F”. This is f*cking crazy. If the goal of the draft was to pick a guy who can lead your post game prayer circle, spend a lot of time posing for pictures with children at the hospital, and be an ambassador for your team, this would be a great pick. Unfortunately, the kid doesn’t have the talent to play right now. Might he play down the road? Absolutely. In my mind, he’s like Steve McNair: not really bright, not a great passer, but a winner. That said, McDaniels will not be around to enjoy any success this kid has. On a related note, they should never let Tim speak on camera ever again.
Arizona Cardinals: Dan Williams, U Tennessee, Grade “B”. Remember what I was saying about Bob Stoops?
New England Patriots: Devin McCourty, Rutgers U, Grade “C”. This is one of those picks that you love if you hate the Patriots and hate if you love the Patriots. I love this pick.
Miami Dolphins: Jared Odrick, Penn State U. Grade “B”. This is the point in the draft that I realize that I don’t have any idea who some of these kids are. I can read the websites that say this kid is good, but I have no idea. What I do know is that, if I ever had a kid that was a high rated pro prospect, I would never, EVER, let a camera crew into my house during the draft. I would like to see someone enter this into an equation to predict NFL success. I would be willing to bet that kids whose support system resist the urge to be on TV during the draft tend to be better prospects in the NFL. I have a hunch.
New York Jets: Kyle Wilson, BSU. Grade “C”. Did the Jets really need a DB? Really? Really?!?!
Detroit Lions: Jahvid Best, U Cal. Grade “B”. I’m not sold that the Lions really need a RB this bad. You’re telling me that their defense is good enough to draft a RB? That said, Best is phenomenal, and a steal at this position, but I just think that Detroit needs other things. On a related note, do you realize how difficult it is to spell Jahvid after five beers?
Indianapolis Colts: Jerry Hughes, TCU. Grade “A”. They need defense, TCU has defense, Hughes is a cornerstone of that defense. If the Colt’s coach ever comes back from the dead, the Colts might win the Superbowl.
New Orleans Saints: Patrick Robinson, Florida State U. Grade “B”. It wasn’t Jimmy Clausen. I don’t know why that makes me so happy. I don’t hate the kid. Like Tebow, I don’t think he’s as talented as others want to, but I don’t hate either kid. I guess that I’ve lived in the world where charisma or reputation pays more dividends than talent for so long that I’ve just learned to root against the former. That said; let’s hear it for Patrick Robinson for getting drafted in the first round despite playing for Coach Leghorn.

Stay tuned for the last event of the 2009-2010 college football season

2010-04-20T17:15:00.000-04:00

The NFL draft is upon us, marking (at least in my mind) the last event associated with the 2009-2010 college football season. Despite the NFL's best efforts to f*ck it up by moving the draft from Saturday to this weird ass Thursday-Friday-Saturday ratings grab schedule, I'm still excited. So stay tuned for my semi-live take on the entire first round, to be posted Thursday night.

Spring 2010 according to Surly

2010-04-09T10:15:00.000-04:00

Well, if nothing else, it’s been an interesting spring. We’ve had interesting draft developments, arguably the best men’s NCAA basketball tournament in recent history and another bland women’s NCAA basketball tournament. Here are the things I’ve been thinking but have been too damn lazy to post.

I’ve argued previously that the women’s tournament is an interesting event in that it’s much like men’s basketball from the 1950’s (read: all white). Crisp passing, text-book lay-ups and well orchestrated offense/defense; and not a lot of dunking. Really, none. That said, someone has to make UConn join the men’s tournament since they’re just so good it’s becoming boring. Right now, it’s a tournament on one side of the bracket to see who can lose to UConn by the least number of points, and on the other side to see who gets to lose to UConn in the championship game. It’s not the UConn women’s fault they’re so good, but it’s just not that compelling. I can’t wait until they go to 96 teams.
Speaking of 96 teams, this is the WORST F*&KING IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF COLLEGE SPORTS. Do we really need another round of play-in games? Seriously, they are essentially suggesting adding the NIT to the NCAA tournament. Really? Someone seriously looked at the tournament and said, “Hey, you know what this tournament needs? Thirty more big conference teams with losing conference records and two more small conference teams (that will play each other) to make everyone feel better”. Assholes.
On the upside, we actually experienced the best tournament in recent record until Duke screwed it up and beat Butler. Not that I like one small private, predominantly white school more than another (see below), but at least it would have been a more compelling story if the underdog won.
I did learn something recently; why I hate Duke. In short, they are the Notre Dame of college basketball without having the decency to fade into mediocrity. Those who know me know I despise private universities for a number of reasons. First, studies have found that the earning potential of graduates isn’t significantly higher for the vast majority of private schools compared to public schools once you control for factors such as the mix of majors and such despite the considerably higher costs. They all tend to be filled with a majority of rich kids. Finally, they suck resources from public schools, from research dollars to financial aid dollars. What does this have to do with sports? Not a lot. But if you’re going to suck the money out of public schools, at least you can have the decency to lose in football and basketball (thank you Rice!) Finally, I CANT STAND IT when folks who didn’t attend a private school root for that school. Root for your state school, root for your alma mater, just stop rooting for Duke, USC, ND, etc if you didn’t go there.
Finally, the NFL draft is coming up and despite my pleas; Tim Tebow refuses to go away. At least it will make my upcoming draft blog more interesting. Stay tuned.

Maurice Clarett: Coming to a halfway house near you

2010-04-06T21:41:00.003-04:00

... or, really, to a halfway house sort of near me. Maybe.

Clarett has a parole hearing on April 7 (tomorrow), and it's possible he will be granted such with a 6-month stay in a halfway house.

In case you wonder what he's been up to, The Mind of Maurice Clarett details some of his musings while incarcerated. (He has no regular internet access himself; he writes to family members who maintain the blog.) I am curious as to why there are no blog entries after mid-August 2009.

I honestly hope he's straightened himself out.

*** UPDATE: Yeah, he's out. /resisting temptation to make joke about spike in sales of Grey Goose vodka

Seriously, I wonder what he'll do now. Geriatrics and gerontology? Really?

This is Florida's tailback

2010-04-05T06:48:00.003-04:00

Jeff Demps ran the fastest 100m time in the world so far this year.

If I am Urban Meyer, I am figuring out how to get the ball in Demps' hands, in space, about 20-25 times per game. Throw it to him, pitch it to him, direct snap in the shotgun, whatever.

Of course, if I am Urban Meyer, I am maybe THISCLOSE to freaking out and taking a leave of absence again.

Things you learn filling out a tournament bracket with your wife

2010-03-17T09:22:00.001-04:00

The tournament is upon us again and despite a less than stellar showing by the glorious SEC, the excitement is again at a fever pitch. As this excellent ESPN commercial shows, there are a lot of interesting ways to fill out a bracket. Most of them don’t work. This year, after a multiyear streak of finishing out of the money in a number of bracket challenges, I decided to employ Mrs. Surly in hopes of increasing my odds of winning. The results were disastrous. Now, in her defense, she decide to pick it based upon one criteria only; the appearance of the mascot. For each match-up, I did a Google search for “University of X mascot”, showed it to the Misses, and she made the pick. I’ll save you from viewing the final bracket that might melt your face, but I will share with you the things I learned:

Gauchos are shorts.
There are a lot of cat mascots, but most of them look like “scared Tigger”(especially Clemson’s).
NMSU’s living mascot looks like a gay cowboy eating pudding.
Teams supported by cats doing push-ups can make it to the sweet 16.
The OK State mascot looks like Cowboy Jigsaw (two links).
Cowboy Jigsaw is so scary that his team will make the Championship game.
A Golden Grizzly can beat up a panther, a musketeer, and a cougar; but not a commodore.
Wildcats can beat anything but scarier wildcats.
Badgers are scary. But not so scary that they can beat a wildcat.
Purple and orange tigers beat black and gold tigers.
Aggies represented by bulls are better than Aggies represented by collies.
Finally, Jigsaw construction workers can kill birds and bulls with that sledgehammer they carry.

I would like to specifically acknowledge that none of these tips will help you fill out your bracket. However, if Oklahoma State loses to Villanova in the championship game by a score of 96-83, there will be approximately $600,000 worth of new shoes in my wife’s closet ($1 million – 40%, courtesy of our friends at KFC via Yahoo sports)…and maybe a pair of Gauchos.

The Gator Chump

2010-03-13T08:11:00.000-05:00

Evidently, Tim Tebow is going to spend his signing bonus at Walmart: The Gator Chump

Mike Leach, closet Ministry fan?

2010-03-12T20:47:00.003-05:00

I never would have suspected this of the pirate, but apparently Leach, late of Texas Tech's head coaching position, is also a big fan of old-school industrial rock/metal juggernaut ANGRY SMASH THINGS KILLKILLKILL--oops, got carried away. I mean the band Ministry. How else do we explain his quoting their signature song in a postgame speech to his team?

See--he's pulling material verbatim from this (beginning at the 6:37 mark--you will be ramming your head through windows by that point):

Ministry - Stigmata
Uploaded by Pzychofreak. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

Oh, wait... Leach WASN'T really borrowing Al Jourgensen's libretto, you say? Well, surely you can see how I got confused. It's that one word that both Leach and the song use over and over again. Anyone would make the same mistake.

I know that the Wonderlic doesn't mean shit, but I can't help myself...

2010-03-10T16:51:00.001-05:00

In a recent online report, Sam Bradford got a 36 on the Wonderlic at the NFL combine while Tim Tebow got a 22. I know that I can't make too much of this. It's been well documented that stars such as Marino and Favre scored pretty low as well. I know it doesn't mean anything...but it's still hilarious. Tebow sucks.

Under closer examination NCAA rules that Michigan probably should've practiced more

2010-02-25T12:51:00.000-05:00

Under closer examination NCAA rules that Michigan probably should've practiced more

If you're cheating, you should be better than 3-9

2010-02-23T21:06:00.002-05:00

The NCAA has taken a break from really important issues like banning messages on the eyeblack worn by football players to deliver its notice of allegations to the University of Michigan this week. Essentially the violations involve supervised conditioning and practice activities that exceed NCAA-mandated time limits during the season, as well as monitoring "voluntary" workouts during offseason conditioning. In other words, they weren't really voluntary--big shock and I'm sure that HAS NEVER HAPPENED ANYWHERE ELSE except at other institutions with scholarship athletes.

If you are into bureaucratic filings and want a good laugh ("Please indicate whether this information is substantially correct and whether the institution agrees violations of NCAA legislation occurred. Submit evidence to support your response." THAT, in a nutshell, exemplifies several things wrong with the NCAA.), you can read all the documentation here.

If you're looking for anything salacious, though (Rich Rodriguez provided hookers for every letterman! "The Big House" is what Zoltan Mesko nicknamed his favorite bong!), you will be sorely disappointed. The allegations boil down to maybe adding two extra hours of conditioning during some weeks, and perhaps an extra 20 minutes on a few Sundays. Oh, and one member of the "quality control staff," a graduate assistant, might have lied to NCAA investigators. Safe to say that he's toast; that should be a no-brainer.

But really, the alleged infractions are nothing major, although the NCAA has chosen to label them that. At worst it looks like Michigan just got sloppy with documentation and probably tried to fudge some workout times, as well as supervising the mythical offseason "voluntary" workouts that are as compulsory as breathing in a lot of football programs, and got caught--ironically enough, by an internal audit.

My personal feeling is that if you're going to sin, do so boldly and make it worth your while. UM went 3-9 in Rich Rod's first season, after the infractions are supposed to have started, and still only managed 5-7 last year. I mean, to heck with stretching out the workout times. Start paying the nation's elite and put out the best team money can buy, Ed Martin-style--it's not like Michigan athletics doesn't have some experience with this! Give the fans some entertainment before crushing them! This whole episode is rather sad and pathetic. Go Blech.

Iowa State! The Big 10 and Pac 10 both want 'em!

2010-02-16T19:06:00.002-05:00

Conference realignment rumors getting ridiculous. Eventually every school in the lower 48 states NOT currently in the Pac 10 or Big T(elev)en will be mentioned as a candidate for joining one or both conferences, possibly at the same time. The latest rumor: Nebraska.

Well, hell, why not? I hear that the Mountain West is contemplating a package deal of Creighton and Hastings College, and the SEC really wants to add Nebraska-Omaha. This stuff is getting too silly to keep up with.

Follow-up: Colorado will go if Pac-10 calls?

2010-02-15T07:17:00.002-05:00

Well, it sounds like it... the recent TV contract signed between the SEC and ESPN has made all the BCS conference schools sit up and take notice, and the argument is being made that Colorado is a better fit in the Pac-10 than in the Big Twelve. The poor-fit-in-the-Big-Twelve aspect of the argument has some truth, I suppose--other than Nebraska and Oklahoma, under Neuheisel and McCartney, CU doesn't have any big traditional rivals, and geographically it doesn't fit with most of the Big Twelve.

I still find it debatable that CU would be that attractive to another conference, given that the fanbase is notoriously apathetic and that CU sucks out loud at every major sport right now. However, as written previously, I believe it is a matter of time before the Big Twelve spins apart, and CU may not want to be a collateral damage victim when that occurs.

One other thing I would like to mention: this week, USC, the face of the Pac-10 for almost a decade and a college football glamour program, gets to go before the NCAA infractions committee and explain how its athletics program did NOT experience the dreaded lack of institutional control. Now, if I am a major conference, and the face of my conference is about to get publicly bitchslapped by the authorities, I might want to consider rebranding myself as a way to get out in front of the problem. Expansion is certainly one way to do that. Some of the attention is taken from the problem child and refocused on the newcomers. Just food for thought...

Another conference realignment rumor...

2010-02-09T21:21:00.003-05:00

... to combat snow-induced cabin fever and provide a respite from the various and sundry reorg rumors I am hearing at work. (Every two years--here we friggin' go again'...)

The latest rumor started by, uh, those guys, is Colorado and Utah heading to the Pac-10.

Such a move would

allow realignment of the Pac 10 into two six-team divisions, thus setting up the tantalizing championship game that every conference seems to covet;
probably bring about the demise of the Big XII, since Colorado is currently in the Big XII North and there's no obvious replacement for them; and
probably wipe out the Mountain West, or at the least relegate it to minor, Conference USA-type status because its most successful football power would be gone.

I don't really know what to make of this one. It is probably true that the Big XII will spin apart sooner or later--the revenue-sharing model is not equitable and favors schools with more TV and NCAA tournament appearances, and at least one member (Missouri) is openly shopping itself to other conferences. Not sure that this particular series of events--i.e., Colorado and Utah to the Pac 10--will be the trigger, though.

The thing with Utah is that it's got a natural rival, one with a relatively high national profile since it's the "Mormon" school, in BYU. It's hard to imagine a conference taking one without the other. Also, Colorado may be in a major TV market, but it's currently not successful at any major revenue-generating sport. Short of hiring ethically-challenged hypocrites (Bill McCartney) and scumbags (Rick Neuheisel, Gary Barnett), CU has never shown an ability to build and maintain a high-caliber football program. As for basketball... no.

Also, the rumor for years is that the Pac 10 would really covet Colorado AND Texas. (Of course, that could never happen with Texas state politics being what they are: wherever the Longhorns go, aggy has to go with them.) Texas has obvious TV and $$$ draws over Utah. Texas is not thrilled with the Big XII--let's not forget the consternation at the outcome of the 2008 football season, and little is gained by facing conference opponents like Iowa State and Kansas State. There's a reason so many Big XII games are on regional Fox cable channels and Versus.

So, anyway, if you're bored, try this rumor on for size. I don't particularly buy it, but in the next year or two we will probably see a number of dominoes fall, and maybe this will be one.

Furious Bradley will destroy you

2010-02-06T08:26:00.002-05:00

Following up on our remarks from the other day--i.e., that the only reason to follow recruiting is the names--CFN has released their all name team for the 2010 class. (No Deveon Dinwiddie? WTF?)

I don't know how this guy only made Honorable Mention, but best 2010 Recruit Name goes to...

FURIOUS BRADLEY

A name like that should be surrounded by flames and dripping blood. Southern Miss gets the honor of his services. A three-star according to Rivals and only 29th in the state of Mississippi, but he's top ten for sure in our book. He's also bound to be more successful than some of his counterparts recruited by the preppie rednecks up in Oxford, such as WR/CB Genteel Jackson and RB Pleasantly-Smug Farley, and the cow college over in Starkville, e.g., QB Sleepy Jones and OL Mildly-Dyspeptic Spencer.

It is possible we jumped the gun on the whole Pitt to

2010-02-04T22:14:00.002-05:00

the Big T(elev)en thing.

Well, it sounded interesting. And as someone who frankly doesn't follow recruiting--other than for the names, like Deveon Dinwiddie--I was so hoping for something newsworthy.

Well, fuck it. Maybe I'll need to switch to college basketball.

Pittsburgh to the Big Ten?

2010-01-31T18:06:00.002-05:00

On an otherwise slow Sunday, here's an interesting tidbit: the interwebs are heating up with the rumor, which apparently has some legs and some substantiation, that the Big T(elev)en has extended an offer to the University of Pittsburgh, and that Pitt will formally accept on Thursday February 4. Aside from making the conference name even more inappropriate, the addition of Pitt to the Big Twelve(n)* would let the conference really corner the market on the Rust Belt states.

Reaction to the idea is mixed. A non-scientific sampling of message boards finds a lot of Pitt fans distinctly unhappy with the idea, whereas at least one Big T(elev)en site seems pretty happy about the notion.

Honestly, if I'm a Pitt fan, I'm pretty unhappy from a basketball perspective--the Big East's 16-team megaconference has no peer in that sport, top to bottom--but I'd relish it from a football perspective. Games against Louisville, South Florida, and so on aren't turning on a huge number of TV sets; there's a reason the Big East game of the week on ESPN ends up on Friday nights.

And make no mistake, football would drive this. The addition of a 12th team means the Big Twelve(n) could divide into divisions and stage a conference championship game. All the Ohio State-Michigan purists who think that "The Game" should be the penultimate moment of the season would shit themselves with outrage, but I have a feeling those folks will either need to get ON the bus or be UNDER the bus. $$$ talks. And this would be a very lucrative deal for the Pitt athletic department--every current Big Twelve(n) school has a guaranteed revenue stream from the Big Ten network, and jumping on that gravy train must be a very attractive possibility.

It should also be noted that Pitt makes a lot of sense academically. Every Big Twelve(n) school, along with the University of Chicago, is a member of the Committee on Institutional Cooperation, a consortium that essentially allows fruitful interchange of academic resources among those universities. Pitt would be a fine addition to that group.

I'm sure the Big Twelve(n) would have preferred a Rutgers or Syracuse, mainly as an entrance into the TV markets of the megalopolis--there are shit tons of Big Twelve(n) alumni living there--but Pitt wouldn't be a bad consolation prize. They already have a rivalry with Penn State, and Pittsburgh is only 3 hours from Columbus...

Anyway, assuming two divisions of 6, what would this new conference look like? Here's my guess:

Big Twelve(n) East:
Penn State
Pittsburgh
Ohio State
Indiana
Purdue
Illinois

Big Twelve(n) West:
Iowa
Minnesota
Wisconsin
Northwestern
Michigan
Michigan State

Not geographically perfect but I threw this off the top of my head. Yeah, that's right, I put Ohio State and Michigan in different divisions. Calm down, Bucknuts and skunk fans. In my model every school has one "protected" rival in the other division that they play every year, and the rest rotate. Ohio State always plays Michigan, Penn State always plays Michigan State, Illinois always plays Northwestern, etc. Have to think about the rest.

Just think of the possibility of Ohio State and Michigan playing TWICE in a season. Yes, this requires Michigan to become competitive again, which seems less and less likely under Rich Rodriguez. Nevertheless the possibility of Armageddon times two is quite intriguing. And if you don't like the thought of having to face someone twice in a season... the Big Twelve, ACC, and SEC have no sympathy for you. Deal with it.

*The Big Twelve is already taken, and the "(n)" is my ironic reference to the idiocy of the "Ten" still in the conference name.

Kryptonite, thy name is the Senior Bowl

2010-01-31T15:20:00.003-05:00

Well, it's pretty obvious that this is a football blog and equally obvious that football season is over. National signing day is at hand and the draft is a number of weeks away, but let's face it, football season is over.

That said, it's not too late to pile on Tim Tebow. I have always been ambivalent about Mr. Tebow. On one hand, he's an earnest young man who does the right things and plays hard. On the other hand, he's in a number of categories that I hate: 1)Home school kids, 2) Missionaries, 3) Media darlings, and soon to be, 4) Spokesmen for an anti-choice group. I was willing to forgive the first three, but the last one is where I draw the line. The gloves are off; Tim Tebow sucks.

First, let me get a few things off my chest. Let's stop acting like he's such an awesome winner, the likes we'll never see again. Colt McCoy has won more games and there is an endless list of QBs that have won the Heisman and a national championship. As I've pointed out before, his numbers compare favorably with Eric Crouch, and we all saw how that worked out. This whole "he's an awesome competitor" could have easily been "he's an egotistical asshole who has to be the center of attention" if the media wanted it be so. Trust me, if Ocho Cinco were to run down and get in the face of the defense, he'd be called an asshole.

Second, all the hoping and wishing in the world will not make him an NFL quarterback. At best, he's a less athletic Pat White . At worst, he's Bucky Richardson. Yea, I went there. Exhibit A, the senior bowl practice week. Strep throat aside (where's you God now Timmy), he practiced like shit. Exhibit B, the senior bowl. He played like shit. Period. Don't try to sugar coat it. Tim needs to put "being white" on the list of things he prays for, because if he even had a deep tan, no one in the NFL would hesitate to tell him that he needs to move to H back.

Finally, I may be the only one who noticed it, but during the game, someone scored, Tim ran over to give a chest bump and be in the middle of the action. He got the equivalent of "left hanging". My point; he's not necessarily going to be embraced by his teammates on the big stage. Bottom line, once you strip the hype away, Tim is a great college player with a limited NFL future. I may be wrong, but if you gave me a wager regarding Tim's occupation in five years, I'd bet Florida state senator a lot faster than I'd bet NFL quarterback.

This is pretty cool: Colt McCoy sez "Bye"

2010-01-21T19:53:00.002-05:00

Can't say I recall another college football player doing this, unless St Tebow issued a press release and I somehow missed the news (entirely possible; I've been known to be ignorant of prominent natural disasters, Supreme Court rulings, the Spice Girls, etc).

Colt McCoy sent an open letter to The Daily Texas to basically say "thanks and so long."

It seems very classy. It could also be a calculated ploy to stay in the public eye and continue to curry favor with prominent Longhorn alumni who may be employing/sponsoring/bankrolling Mr McCoy someday. Either way, fucking brilliant. Herewith the letter in its entirety:

To the City of Austin and Longhorn fans everywhere:

My time at the University of Texas has been filled with countless memorable experiences, from the 45 wins I was fortunate enough to be a part of to the Big 12 Championship this past season. You have been there for me through everything and have shown your unwavering support. You have always believed in me, and for that I will be forever grateful.

As much as I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life, I am also saddened at the thought of leaving. I have loved being a student and an athlete at the University of Texas, and every second I wore the Longhorn uniform was special to me. This school and this city hold a special place in my heart that words can't describe, and I intend to remain an active part of this community that has given me so much.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will carry your cheers and support with me always. Regardless of where my next stop may be, I will forever be a Texas Longhorn.

Hook 'em!
Colt McCoy

Lane Kiffin: Complete idiot or ladder-climbing genius?

2010-01-12T21:19:00.003-05:00

Well, this week continues to entertain and inform. After only one season at Rocky Top, highlighted by.... uh, a couple respectable losses to Alabama and Florida, Lane Kiffin is deserting the Vols to become the new head coach at U$C.

In case you've been under a rock, in Siberia, or have varied interests and a well-rounded life that goes beyond college football--if it's the latter kindly get the hell off my blog--you know that the NCAA is wrapping up an investigation of U$C that encompasses multiple potential football violations, violations surrounding OJ Mayo in basketball, and the dreaded concept of "loss of institutional control." Indeed, as the linked article notes, U$C could represent a "must-get" for the NCAA; the infractions are so well-known and, frankly, easy to find that the NCAA must drop the hammer on whatever targets present themselves.

These facts beg the question... what the hell is Kiffykins doing??? Actually, a second question: what the hell is U$C doing???? Kiffin has shown some ability to recruit, but he's also established quite a track record for NCAA violations himself. When the NCAA is snooping around your program determining how long and how severe the sanctions should be, this seems like a damn stupid hire on the school's part.

In Kiffin's case, I can't rule out the complete-idiot hypothesis. Recall how much he ran his mouth at Tennessee, often unencumbered by facts or forethought. I suspect, however, that Southern Cal will generously compensate him, and since he alienated himself in SEC-land, the West Coast probably seems safe and familiar. Plus, he's bringing along his dad Monte Kiffin and Cajun lunatic Ed Orgeron, demonstrating compassion both for his family and the mentally deranged.

In the short term, Kiffin is probably gonna get paid. In the long term--assuming that the NCAA actually levies sanctions against the Trojans--I believe we will find out that he is not a very good coach. I fail to see anything in his career so far to suggest that he's worth a damn, other than recruiting and getting people ticked off. U$C won't be as attractive to recruits if it's penalized, however, and it's not like it's pre-ordained that it should be a power every year. The Trojans were nothing for most of two decades before Pete Carroll showed up, and to nothingness they could return. If Kiffin is forced to compete with equal or even slightly lesser talent as compared to his rivals, the Trojan fans (if any are left a year from now) will be quite disappointed.

Mark your calendars: Judgment Day for U$C is coming

2010-01-12T06:26:00.002-05:00

The NCAA has announced that it has concluded its probe into the athletics program at the University of Southern California. The next meeting of the NCAA infractions committee is scheduled for February 19-21 in Tempe, and any penalties would be announced 6-8 weeks after that.

Given the smoke from Reggie Bush, OJ Mayo, Joe McKnight, Matt Leinart's dad, etc... I don't want to get my hopes too high, but surely there must be some fire.

Fingers crossed!

Hiring and firing season is in full swing

2010-01-09T17:28:00.004-05:00

Much like deer gun season, it doesn't last a long time, but the body count (both deliberate and, once in awhile, unintentional) can grow rapidly, and you'll see all sorts of casualties tied to various front bumpers.

Texas Tech got an early start on the season by taking down the winningest coach in their history, Mike Leach. Now they have made a potentially fantastic hire by snapping up Tommy Tuberville, formerly of Auburn and presently (and always, presumably) with the Dumbo ears. Tuberville is apparently not demanding to bring in an all-new staff, which probably is attractive to Tech's control-freak administration. He's also on record as stating that he would not alter Tech's trademark pass-happy offense too much.

Lest we forget, however, Tuberville was half the architect of this masterpiece (the game, of course, not the bad 80s hair band-quality soundtrack):

I think it's safe to say the identity of Tech will swing more to the defensive side--well, actually, they couldn't emphasize offense more if they tried. And no guarantee exists, of course, that hiring a retread coach will be successful (may I refer you to the short unhappy career of Fred Akers at Purdue). However, the man has a track record of producing fire-breathing defenses, and not with the highest quality of recruit. With the Pelini brothers at Nebraska, Muschamp at Texas, the seeming resurgence of the OU defense under Brent Venables, and now Tuberville at Tech, the entire identity of the Big XII conference could flip from offensive to defensive. In 2007, Texas and Tech played a ridiculous shootout that ended in a 59-43 score. Two years from now, they may be playing a 13-9 bloodbath. Stay tuned.

Meanwhile, in Hollywood, Pete Carroll is apparently giving up his cushy, godlike status at U$C to head to the less friendly, and infinitely more demanding, NFL. As the link notes, it's possible he's tired of feuding with the U$C athletic director, who has already sacrificed a year of the basketball program and may decide to do the same with football to head off any Joe McKnight-related sanctions. It's also possible, however, that Carroll is getting out of LA PRECISELY because he knows the NCAA will eventually come down on the Trojans. It's no secret that Reggie Bush flagrantly broke NCAA rules, and the Joe McKnight case, though not as severe, honestly seems pretty open and shut. At any rate, U$C's near monopoly in the Pac 10 is probably over--runs like Carroll's don't happen very often. A laundry list of Trojan alums, thankfully not including OJ Simpson, exists as to possible replacements.

And lest we forget, South Florida fired their first and only coach after finding that he slapped and grabbed a player by the throat back in November. Honestly, almost every coach I've had in any sport has done as bad or worse... what is this world coming to if you can't have a little coach-on-player abuse? Seriously, Leavitt was let go primarily because he tampered with the school's investigation of the incident and then lied about it. NOT a good move. One potential replacement that's been mentioned is Dan McCarney, who is currently Florida's D-line coach and also had a mostly successful tenure as head coach as Iowa State ("mostly successful" by Cyclone standards).

Hookem versus Rammer Jammer: Quasi-live blog

2010-01-07T20:22:00.014-05:00

Pregame thoughts:

Lou Holthz picked the Horns, which leads me to believe Texas is screwed.
Mark Ingram is clearly an unstoppable force. 118.6 yards per game--why, that's unpossible! Has that ever been done before?? Texas should just give up. The Auburn game never happened.
Alabama's defense has, like, 3 Ndamukong Suhs. Colt McCoy can't throw downfield. Alabama is the pre-ordained winner.

Only American sports spectacles would manage to put Flea (awesome), Keith Jackson (awesome), and Josh Groban (WTF???) together.

FIRST QUARTER:
Early on, Bama's offense does not exactly scare me. Lamarr Houston abuses an OL on the way to sacking McElroy.

Saban LOSES HIS MIND and fakes a punt on 4th and 23. It is poetic justice that Blake Gideon picks it off. I forgive you for Tech '08.

SHITSHIT SHITSHIT. A great UT drive and Colt is HURT??? Oh damn... Texas cannot win this game with Garrett Gilbert at QB. Horns have to settle for 3 on the opening drive.

Bama suffering big game-itis; they fail to field the kickoff and Texas gets the ball in great field position. Buckner drops an easy third-down pass and Texas has to settle for 3. 6-0.

Ingram breaks off a great run. Bama probably needs to ride him and not McElroy--their OL hasn't looked good in pass protection. As I type this, Bama goes 5-wide for some reason and McElroy is sacked again.

Bama is really opening things up, by their standard. Trying to keep Texas off-balance or do they not think they can win straight up? McElroy brought down yet again. Who has the best defensive line again?

Gilbert's first completion goes for about -2 yards. I think this might be karma for all those Sam Bradford jokes. Somewhere Bob Stoops is laughing like a hyena. That fucker.

Bama remembers what they do well--pound the ball with Ingram (aided by poor Texas tackling). One decent McElroy completion and a hold on Texas, and they're knocking on the door as the quarter ends. I have this feeling Colt won't be back.

SECOND QUARTER
Ingram goes in untouched, "for Dad." Brent makes me ill. 7-6 Tide. The Texas defense was flattened on that drive. Horns will need an offense--and an offensive coach that will allow it to function--to stay in this game.

But... The Albatross does not trust his backup. Very very conservative, which combined with a chopblock foul will kill a drive. To add to the fun, now Gilbert is hurt. Get ready for John Chiles in the Wildhorn!

Bama can't pass-protect, but Texas can't move the ball at all. Hard to tell who's the deer in headlights--is it Garrett Gilbert, or is it The Albatross?

Sauron--I mean Saban--is perfectly content to play Tresselball....

... OR, he will have Trent Richardson blaze it up the middle right down your ass. Holy crap that kid is fast. Texas is in trouble--can't play to hang on now. Before long, this may not be any kind of game.

Texas has a promising drive snuffed by a pick. Gilbert "has no chance against Saban's defense." Thanks, Brent. Texas is indeed in a pickle. This is a terrible game in which to grow up as a QB.

Can Texas make it to halftime only down 14-6? Does not look like it. Bama going downhill now.

Somewhere thousands of aggies are masturbating joyfully, screaming "Cart McCry!!!" as they rub 'em out.

Bama gets a FG to make it 17-6. I don't expect to see Colt again... and it looks like Bama might finally win one against UT. Cannot envision a scenario that features Texas winning, or Colt playing.

OMG. That was TERRIBLE. Bama INTERCEPTS a shovel pass and returns it for a 24-6 lead. Horns should have just been content to get to halftime. At this point, one wonders how bad it will get before this is over. Texas is rudderless and screwed. FIVE passing yards for Texas in the first half. Amazing. That was the most downbeat I have ever heard Mack Brown in a sideline interview.

Rammer Jammer.

THIRD QUARTER
Texas moves the ball a little bit on their first drive, but stall. At least GG completes a pass. Bama gets the ball but is very conservative... Tressel-ball from Sauron.

Colt is done, by the way. But we already knew that.

Texas' next possession features a nice pass to Shipley but then a dreadful loss on first down. GG is not getting help from his receivers, and GG is just a BIT off. The Horns do miss Colt. And GG just isn't experienced enough to do this. We are already in the denouement. At some point Brent and Herbie will get bored. I still have beer to drink, so here I am...

Bama continues to be conservative, and Texas finally capitalizes on great field position with a GREAT GG TD pass to Shipley.

And Texas recovers the ball on an onside kick. Holy crap. "I'm not quite dead yet!!"

... BUT, the Horns do nothing with it. Texas looks alive, though.

At the end of the third quarter, it is 24-13 Bama, and how important is that ridiculous goddamn shovelpass interception at the end of the first half???

FOURTH QUARTER
Bama is moving the ball thanks in part to a suspicious offsides call against Texas, and a pass interference on a ball that wasn't in the same ZIP code as the receiver. Yet another call against Texas--a personal foul on Kindle that was admittedly deserved--and Bama's in field goal range. Leigh Tiffin misses, though (52 yards), and Bama is done for this drive. They have flipped field position, however.

Third and short is a terrifying situation for Texas. They don't get it, but Bama is offsides to keep the drive alive. On a third and long GG makes a great conversion to Shipley. Yes, he's "GG" for the next 3 years.

Oddly, there has been no mention of GG's roommates, or of anyone his father might have gone to school with.

GG hits Shipley AGAIN for a TD--somehow Shipley gets behind Bama. It's 24-21 after Texas converts the 2-point conversion!!! This is getting interesting with 6:15 left.

Now Bama need to wake up. Their offense moves quickly, and they're inside the Texas 40. Bama suddenly clam up on offense... and fail to convert on third down, but Texas is looking at a long drive to tie or take the lead. Only 3:21 left.

Texas gets the ball at the 7 and is immediately bailed out by a defensive holding call. The Yankee refs have switched sides.

BUT, a devastating blitz separates GG from the ball. Bama has the ball at the 3. Game, blouses. Sauron's version of Tressel-ball strikes again. Bama milks the clock before Ingram punches it in for a TD. THAT is all, I expect. Wonder why Ingram does not get flagged for excessive celebration when he does all his gesturing shit?

31-21 Bammers with 2:01 left. Texas has outgained Bama by this point in the game, and Bama is only 2-12 on third down, but turnovers will kill you. Texas had an early chance to go up 14-0, but had to settle for field goals, whereas Bama turned turnovers into TDs.

Garrett Gilbert has played admirably in the second half, but he forces another pass that is picked. He'll learn from this, and one can only hope that he gets to return to this stage some day.

Too bad for Colt McCoy. This is a shitty way to end his career. Who knows what this game might have looked like had he been in there.

Bama converts the GG turnover into yet another TD. 37-21.

I don't need to hear the "SEC" chants, or the rest of "Rammer Jammer." Let's just leave it at Yellow Hammer, shall we? Blech.

Congrats to the Tide, though you played half a team for most of the game.

Hookem till I die.

See this box of rocks?

2010-01-06T19:57:00.004-05:00

[Editors' note: This is the obligatory bash-Greg-Davis-post that one of our contributors feels compelled to post every so often. Please bear with us.]

Sometime tomorrow night, it's entirely possible that I will wish that this box of rocks was the Texas offensive coordinator, rather than The Albatross*. I hope I'm wrong... but I ain't real optimistic. The box of rocks might actually be more creative and diverse in its play-calling, compared to The Albatross. And the box of rocks is a goddamn inanimate object! Plus, if you get sick of the box of rocks, at least they can serve as useful ammunition to chuck at the TV in frustration. Can't do that with The Albatross.

*Greg Davis. This metaphor is really tired and overused, and we wish he'd stop it.

Ole Miss wins big in their ugliest game of the season

2010-01-03T10:37:00.003-05:00

...and it had some fierce competition. Rather than dissect 55 of the ugliest minutes of Rebel football, let me just leave you with this picture, courteous of si.com

This is ridiculous

2010-01-01T21:31:00.004-05:00

TEBOW CAM???

Come on. But to quote someone, "How many people are jerking off to this right now?"

I am so happy Fox is out of the BCS business after this year.

They're rejoicing in aggy land....

2009-12-30T19:58:00.003-05:00

... and no, it's not because they managed to stay within four touchdowns of Georgia in the not-evaluated-by-the-FDA Shreveport Bowl.

It's because Texas Tech just fired the winningest coach in its history, to say nothing of the only person, other than Bob Knight, who gave that university any sort of national notoriety at all.

And they are celebrating in the land of the sheep-molesters. Maybe aggy will be able to beat someone not named Baylor most of the time! Fourth place in the Big XII South, here comes aggy!

This whole Tech saga has been so hard to follow, but it appears that the Tech administration was looking for any excuse to can Leach, and this incident provided a convenient rationale for them. Plus, given his grouchy and litigious nature, they probably knew that he would not apologize but instead fight back, greasing the skids for his own departure.

My personal thought is that the Big XII just got worse--I am not sure who Tech can hire now, especially with the adminstration's revealing that it will not exactly go to bat for any coach not named Bob Knight. It's questionable whether Leach's actions, which undeniably seemed meant to humiliate yet were not as awful as initially portrayed, constituted a firing offense. Did they merit some kind of punishment? Sure. But how can the same AD justify hiring a known problem like Bob Knight, yet sack Leach for the first and only known transgression on his watch?

Anyway, Tech may be entering a Bill Callahan/Kevin Steele/Dennis Franchione purgatory... and who knows if they'll ever get out of it.

Bizarro news keeps coming: Mike Leach suspended

2009-12-28T17:59:00.003-05:00

The weirdness of the past few days continues. Texas Tech has suspended everyone's favorite pirate, Mike Leach (aka the freakin' head coach) for their Alamo Bowl against Michigan State.

According to published reports, the suspension relates to Leach's unnecessarily harsh treatment of a player who was recovering from an injury. That's pretty bad.

According to rampant internet speculation--which can so often be juicier than published reports, never mind the accuracy--the player in question is Adam James, a tight end who also happens to be the son of ESPN talking head and former SMU player/well-compensated employee Craig James. Supposedly Adam was mistreated following a concussion. That's very bad, if true.

Leach has courted other schools for years, criticized and humiliated his players publicly on multiple occasions, and last year got into a nasty contract dispute with the school. He won, but after this somewhat disappointing season, might be on very thin ice. Really wonder if the pirate's act has gotten stale at last. Then again, this IS Texas Tech, and Lubbock is in the middle of nowhere. Who are they going to get to replace him?

*** EDIT *** It WAS Adam James, and he WAS essentially confined to an equipment closet on two occasions. Leach's attorney is furiously trying to spin this, contesting some details and motives but not the overall gist of the accusations--i.e., that Leach ordered a kid with symptoms of a concussion TO BE LOCKED IN A CLOSET not once, but twice. Ho-lee cow.

At this point, unless some new detail comes out, it looks very very bad for Leach. He's always been quirky and strange, but those attributes are generally tolerated pretty well in Lubbock. They like their coaches to be cantankerous oddballs as long as they win some reasonable proportion of the time.

This incident may have gone past a point of no return, though. The Head Pirate has violated one of the cardinal rules of coaching: Never Go Full Retard. I have a hard time imagining how Leach rationalized this treatment to himself, but clearly he didn't have anyone to tell him that he went full retard.

Advocare V100 de-mystified

2009-12-28T17:49:00.003-05:00

Advocare sponsors the Independence Bowl currently being played--badly, I might add--between Texas A$M and Georgia. I have to admit that I had never heard of Advocare V100, but thanks to the magic of the interwebs, I know now what they are.

Advocare appears to make a variety of fitness and nutritional supplements under the motto WE BUILD CHAMPIONS. V100 is basically some kind of multivitamin mix. The Independence Bowl has thus gone from the "Poulan Weedeater Bowl" to the "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease... Bowl." For a game featuring two mediocre/bad football teams, this is somehow appropriate.

By the way, if you don't believe me, scroll down to the bottom of the link. The disclaimer is there in the fine print. This game is the fishy supplement bowl.

Urban, make up your mind already!

2009-12-28T10:13:00.003-05:00

Apparently Urban Meyer's career-threatening burnout and/or health issues have resolved themselves. Less than 24 hours (basically, not much longer than it took to drive from Dallas to Columbus thanks to Kentucky's snow-clearing FAIL) after announcing that he was stepping down from the Florida head-coaching job...

...he announced that he's not. Instead, he will take an indefinite leave of absence and return, uh, sometime. So Florida has no idea who will actually coach them next season (or even in spring ball for that matter), nor do they know who will be recruiting the next batch of misdemeanors, er players, before next season.

I sometimes wish I could hold my employer hostage like that.

Anyway, waffling like this causes me to believe that either (a) his health issues aren't really that bad (I refer you to my panic-attack hypothesis in a previous post), or (b) his priorities are REALLY out of whack, so that he will continue down the same self-destructive path. And as for his daughter... no, you don't got your daddy back after all PSYCH!!!

As someone with decided workaholic tendencies, ones that have reared up in the past few months, I can understand how a job can become an addiction... it's a very slippery and seductive slope. The feedback from doing something you enjoy can make you want to do more, more, more... and before long you're literally spending most of your time (waking plus sleeping) there. It's not just about being a hardass or a perfectionist; it really can be addictive. I would surmise that Meyer's sudden change of heart reflects a similar dynamic. You can say you're stepping back, but it's just not that easy.

Were I one of his family members, I'd be pissed and considering an intervention right now. Were I the UF president or athletic director, I'd consider giving him some kind of ultimatum. I don't think Meyer knows what he wants right now, and his hand may need to be forced to provide him a moment of clarity.

Urban Meyer to step down

2009-12-26T20:05:00.004-05:00

Linky-poo to demonstrate that I'm not making this up. OK, have to admit I did not see that one coming. Although any speculation about the underlying reason(s) for Meyer's abrupt resignation, at the ripe old age of 45, would be irresponsible and probably misinformed, I'd like to speculate about the underlying reason(s) for his abrupt resignation:

Can't handle the thought of football without Tebow--just plain heartbroken.
Remember the dehydration he had after the SEC title game? Had to spend a night in the hospital? Possibly there's some health problem, related to that dehydration in some way, that is pretty serious. This obviously would be BAD news. For him and his family's sake I hope it's not that.
"Health issues" will eventually be parsed as "NCAA violations" at some point in the future. Actually I doubt this very much--Florida may not be squeaky-clean, but nothing suggests that they are a renegade program.
Stress and burnout have gotten to him, and he's fried. "Driven" does not even begin to describe his approach to coaching, and perhaps his life has gotten so out of balance that he's decided to step back.

Anyway, along with idiotic speculation about his reasons for quitting, this post would not be complete without some speculation as to his replacement. So here's a hastily cobbled-together list:

Bob Stoops
Cholly Weis (hee hee)
Ron Zook, if they can possibly pry him away from the powerhouse he's building at Illinois
Bobby Petrino is about due for a move
Will Muschamp
Jon Gruden
Steve Spurrier
Dennis Franchione
Bo Pelini (another Ohio hardass like Meyer)
Bill Cowher
Gene Stallings
Joe Kines
The re-animated corpse of Knute Rockne
Howard Schnellenberger
Chewbacca

Did I leave anyone out?

** UPDATE ** Apparently SI ran a story recently detailing his repeated bad experiences with an inflamed arachnoid cyst in the brain, and ESPN reports that his chest pains reflect a stress-related heart problem. That latter symptom actually sounds a bit like a euphemism for panic attacks, though perhaps not. So, anyway, it's definitely health reasons.

Oh, and let's add Gary Patterson, Chris Peterson, and Terry Bowden to the lazy replacement list.

A word about the bowls so far...

2009-12-26T12:37:00.002-05:00

Every year I put in my ten bucks into a bowl pick ‘em pool with hopes of walking with a fat check and tangible evidence of my college football expertise. Many years I stay in the running for money for weeks. This is not one of those years. After six games, I am an abysmal 2-4 against the spread. The worst part? More than one person in the same pool is 5-1. What have we learned so far? Well, only that the PAC-10 sucks. Here are my predictions for the weekend’s four games:

Little Caesars Bowl (Ohio vs. Marshall) – Prediction: No one who didn’t attend these schools will be watching. Oh, and that Ohio will win by at least a field goal.
Meineke Car Care Bowl (Pitt vs. UNC) – Prediction: Next year’s Heisman front runner, Dion Lewis runs roughshod over the UNC defense and the Panthers win by at least four.
Emerald (dees nuts) Bowl (USC vs. BC) – Prediction: Joe McKnight will circle the stadium in “his girlfriend’s” Land Rover, but this won’t help BC who will lose to the Trojans by at least 10 points. Bonus: Catholic school loses to “Trojans”. Think about it.
Music City Bowl (UK vs. Clemson) – Prediction: Perennial overachiever Kentucky may not beat Clemson on the field, but I think that they’ll stay within the 7 points most services are giving them. That said, I wouldn’t rule out a Wildcat victory against the lowly Tigers.

Joe Kines says "Happy Holidays..."

2009-12-25T11:44:00.004-05:00

... or something to that effect. (It's really hard to tell.)

Kines, the Texas A$M defensive coordinator with, um, a remarkable speaking style, may be coaching his last game on Monday when aggy plays Georgia in the cheery confines of Shreveport's Independence Bowl.

Should Monday turn out to be Kines' swan song--or whatever the Cajun equivalent would be, maybe a "nutria song" or something along those lines--the world will be deprived of arguably some of the most bizarre, entertaining postgame and halftime commentary ever offered in college sports. What Kines lacked in coherence was more than offset by straight-outta-the-swamp lunacy. Texas A$M currently ranks 107th nationally in total defense, and is it really any wonder? One can only imagine the kind of game plans he designs--and more importantly, how he communicates them to his players, if at all.

So before he rides off into the sunset, let's take a moment to commemorate some of Kines' finest:

Happy/Merry Christmahanukwanzaafestivus, y'all! We just gotta go play! Need to stop that inside trout!

Happy Holidays

2009-12-23T15:44:00.003-05:00

On behalf of the gang, I want to wish all 14 of our readers happy holidays. Merry Christmas, Happy belated Hanukkah, and a happy new year.

Now it's time for New Rules...

2009-12-15T22:22:00.001-05:00

The 2009 football season is coming to a close. I’ve learned a lot of things this year. I have decided to apply this new knowledge in the form of some new rules…

New rule; we must stop referring to Notre Dame as a destination job. Thanks to ESPN, the regional Fox Networks, and the Big Eleven Network, even crappy football programs (I’m looking at you Illinois) are televised nationally if they are winning. No one under 18 remembers the last ND national championship. These same kids think “tradition” refers to what happened around the turn of the century (i.e., 1999-2000). A plethora of schools have nice stadiums, indoor practice facilities, and solid academics. No one on earth gives a fuck about what Regis thinks. Bottom line, winning at Notre Dame is going to be tough, no matter who you are. Good luck Coach Kelly.

New rule; we must stop acting like the Heisman Trophy will ever go to a pure defensive player. Maybe if Ndamukong Suh ran back kicks he would have finished better than fourth in a group of very good (but not great) offensive players. I have to admit that I believed that the voters might actually embrace a defensive player this year. Unfortunately, they decided instead to award the University of Alabama a Lifetime Achievement Heisman award. Mark Ingram is a great kid and talented athlete, but he wouldn’t have even gotten a plane ticket to NY if he played for South Carolina or similar U.

And finally, new rule; we must accept that Tim Tebow is Eric Crouch running a spread offense. This is not an insult; Crouch was a great quarterback. By the numbers, Crouch had 2086 rush yards in 23 games (91 per game) while Tebow had 2896 rush yards in 54 games (54 per game) resulting in approximately 1.65 vs. 1.04 rush TD per game. Crouch only had 114 pass yards and .8 passing TDs per game compared to Tebow’s 163 pass yards and 1.57 TDs per game. When it’s all added up, Crouch averaged 204 yards per game in total offense with 2.5 TDs to Tebow’s 217 yards with 2.6 TDs. This hardly explains the hoopla surrounding Tebow. Maybe it’s the Jesus, the celibacy, or maybe it’s all the circumcisions. Maybe it’s the cool eye black quotes (personally, I kept waiting for “Leviticus 18:22” to show up). Either way, Crouch is being jobbed.

Big XII title game quasi-photo essay...

2009-12-07T20:11:00.010-05:00

... also known as I'm too lazy to type anything up, and anyway if I did it would mostly consist of NDAMUKONG SUH OMG and FUCK YOU GREG DAVIS. (Really, I don't know if I've ever been so happy and so pissed off at the same time, as I was at the end of the game.) Hardly scintillating reading. So in lieu of that, here we go...

It really is a big ol' damn screen.

21st-century stadium, but 19th-century security procedures.

Apparently Jerry Jones is too cheap to build more than a few entrances into this place, and security consists of two guys going "fuck it, just pat 'em down real fast." I would imagine an immigrant being processed through Ellis Island in 1890 got into the country faster.

Oh, and by the way, I got surrounded by Husker fans on the way in. Supposedly they're really nice. Whatever, I can't speak to that. They are definitely friggin' loud--I still can't get GOOOOOOOO BIIIGGGGGGGGGG REDDDDDDDDDDD and HUS-KER POW-ER out of my head. I tend to think they're probably like a lot of Midwesterners: reserved, a bit uptight, everything swirling below the surface. Not so much nice as repressed.

The current state of Nebraska football under Bo Pelini:

Concrete. Hard. Unattractive. Functional but you don't really pay attention to it. Unyielding and inflexible. Pelini has that team playing like the teams of other coaches from the Youngstown area (Tressel, various Stoopses). Nebraska's defense is going to be a pain in the ass for years. The offense--good lord.

Hunter Lawrence, blurry hero.

Trust me, it's him. I think I was too shaky to take a good picture at this particular point. Thanks to Mack Brown's ability to stop time and the conspiracy of various Big XII officials, Texas is moving on to Pasadena to be offered as sacrificial fodder to the Dark Lord Saban.

I don't recall much of the actual game. I think Colt McCoy was sacked a time or two, and Zac Lee might have completed a pass. Maybe.

Offensive futility writ large--like, 60 yards wide.

This is not going to get it done against an actual opponent. The offensive ineptitude in this game may have set college football back about 80 years. Jim Tressel was beating off furiously to this game. Nebraska was held to their lowest yardage output in 25 years... and yet nearly won. That's unpossible.

But to hell with it, we're 13-0 and going to Rose Bowl Part II!

Breaking news in the search for the new Notre Dame head coach

2009-12-05T16:25:00.002-05:00

I can't believe this story considering this coaches long standing relationship with the Irish:

Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame

The Pirates are victorious in the "Our coach will be working elsewhere next year" bowl

2009-12-05T15:43:00.004-05:00

It wasn't quite SEC football, but the Pirates and Cougars put on an exciting show today. After riding very high this season, Houston has returned back to earth a little, while ECU will hoist the C-USA trophy for a second year in a row. That's the good news for the respective fan bases. The bad news is that it's likely that one if not two of the teams will begin a coaching search in the off season. Both Holtz and Sumlin are hot coaching commodities and there are most assuredly schools from BCS conferences willing to pay them more.

Five things we learned last week…

2009-12-02T10:31:00.001-05:00

Well, the season is winding down, rivalry week is in the books, and we’re getting close to the most painful three weeks of the season. Once again, some things that were expected came to pass, such as the home team winning the Egg Bowl and Florida kicking Florida States ass up and down the field. Some things were unexpected, thus we learned some things. Here they are…

Rivalry week is as poisonous as ever. The Gators humiliated a legend in his last regular season game. USC ran up the score on UCLA. BYU squeezed past Utah. Alabama almost lost to Auburn. Texas got into a shootout with Texas A&M. Those were the lucky ones. On the other side, Clemson was exposed by South Carolina. West Virginia exposed Pittsburg (again). Georgia upset Georgia Tech while NC State did the same to the baby blue Tar Heels. Most upsetting to yours truly, Jevan Snead went all Jeván Schaeffer against State in the Egg Bowl. All the close games, poor sportsmanship (I’m looking at you Pete C.), and underdog victories highlight how mental this game really is when it comes down to it. Most of these kids in regional rivalries (are there really any other kind) played against each other in high school, grew up rooting against their rival or started drinking the Kool-Aid when they arrived on campus. Their emotion shows every year. This year more than most.
Texas A&M may have a bright future. Count me among those who thought the Aggies would mire in mediocrity for another decade. I’m haven’t been a Mike Sherman fan since he got up in Warren Sapp’s face after he hit Chad Clifton during a Packers/Buccaneers game a few years back, due to his violation of my “Little men shouldn’t get in big men’s faces if they don’t want their ass kicked, but do it anyway since they are in a situation where the big guy isn’t going to hit them, although they should” rule. However, Jerrod Johnson is just plain good, and if they Aggies don’t lose their offensive coordinator to one of the recent (or predicted) openings, they have potential to be good again.
Colt McCoy needs a big night against Nebraska to win the Heisman. Though he should be walking away with the trophy, Colt is getting tough competition from Toby Gerhart, the very impressive Stanford running back who gave me much joy recently in his trouncing of the Irish this week. While he’s a great back, Gerhart hasn’t faced much run defense all year. In fact, only four of the opposing defenses rank in the top 30 in rush yards allowed, and two of those did it with the help of shorter 11 week schedules. Two teams he faced ranked in the bottom 10. Meanwhile, Colt has fed on some pretty bad defenses himself, but this week’s game against Nebraska’s top 30 pass defense (in yards allowed) and the human sack machine Suh, should give him a chance to shine. If he shine’s, he wins, it’s that simple.
It’s time for everyone to get worked up over how bad we need a playoff. With apologies to Jim Mora, this is the time everyone wants to talk about playoffs. It isn’t happening. Not anytime soon. Trust me, the powers that be have crunched the numbers and they came back with the conclusion that they make more money pissing us off and letting bloggers (like me) type up pissy posts and SI concoct contrived playoff formats than they would with a playoff. It’s as simple as that.
Notre Dame is heading back to the drawing board. I am the living embodiment of schadenfreude. I can live with that.

Texas wins the WAC title, or C-USA or something

2009-11-26T23:52:00.007-05:00

Um, I am not sure what the hell I just watched. I feel that the Longhorns have wrapped up a berth in the Liberty Bowl, and I eagerly await their game against the sixth-best team from the SEC.

This is a national title contender?

Texas and Texas A$M just engaged in a game that was part flag football and part Keystone Kops. Colt McCoy threw for 304 yards and 4 TDs, and RAN for 175 yards... and yet he was the second-best QB on the field. Aggy QB Jerrod Johnson simply played one of the most uncanny, spectacular games I have seen played by a QB since.... oh, I don't know, Vince in the Rose Bowl against USC. The Texas defense that had been giving up 239 yards per game got worked to the tune of 531 yards and 39 points. Aggy had a running back named "Christine" that got a hard-fought 83 yards against a team that was only giving up 50 rushing yards per game.

If you had told me beforehand that Texas would get 597 yards of offense (almost 300 on the ground) and 49 points, I'd tell you that the Longhorns won in a rout. Nope. I don't know if Texas just got exposed or what, but I have no clue what to expect against Nebraska next week. UNL has struggled to score against air--and let's not forget that they temporarily made Iowa State the nation's leader in turnover margin by turning it over EIGHT times against the Cyclones--but methinks Will Muschamp has some work to do. A LOT of work.

Weird shit happens in Hooterville, folks. I am glad the Horns got out alive, but (to quote Red Foreman) THAT WAS UNPLEASANT.

Mr Muschamp, Mr Foreman would like a word with you.

The coming jihad in Hooterville

2009-11-26T09:14:00.005-05:00

Texas makes its biennial trek of 110 miles--or about 5 light-years, depending on how one wishes to measure it--to Dead Dog Memorial Stadium to take on Fightin' Texas A$M aggy* this evening. Obviously a lot's on the line: a national title shot for UT, national respect for aggy. Every Texas trip into the lair of the sheep-molesters scares me, but this one even more so. On November 18, 1999, the last officially-sanctioned aggy Bonfire collapsed, and the agroids have decided to use the 10-year anniversary as motivation:

They're commemorating the Bonfire-collapse victims on their helmets.

(I could make some awfully tasteless joke about the helmets falling apart when the players put them on, but I won't go there.) Anyhoo, aggy accords Bonfire the same measure of abject devotion that Ayn Rand follower reserve for The Fountainhead, that neoconservatives reserve for the Project for A New American Century, that Branch Davidians felt for David Koresh, etc. Bonfire is an object of reverence, an axiomatic truth, that they do not question. The whole Bonfire anniversary thing is just going to add to the insane atmosphere at Kyle Field, and having followed this rivalry for a lot of years, I can tell you an emotional aggy team at home is a dangerous thing.

This game is going to be all about Texas weathering the early storm, hopefully starting quickly on offense, and asserting itself on defense. Aggy has some nice skill position players but both lines (outside of Von Miller) are mediocre-to-bad, and their secondary stinks. Texas should be able to move the ball offensively, and although I can see aggy scoring a couple times, the defense should hold them in check.

HOWEVER.... weird things happen in this rivalry. If aggy scores early and Texas starts slowly, it'll be a four-quarter fight with aggy playing way above their heads and gaining confidence throughout. May I refer you to the 2006 and 2007 editions of this game? Plus, if aggy stays in the game, that crowd will keep swaying, crotch-grabbing, yelling, etc, and it can be hard for the visitors to play when it feels like they're standing in a jet engine. We'll see how it goes. I'm thinking Texas wins, but not by as much as the odds-makers think. Good thing we've stocked up on beer.

Quick, here's Bryant Westbrook destroying Leeland McElroy in 1995! Good times--the last Southwest Conference game to decide the last Southwest Conference title, and Texas won by stopping a five-year home winning streak for aggy:

OK, I feel better. Hook 'em and Happy Thanksgiving! I'm sure I'll be back tonight.

*NOTE: There is no such thing as a "Texas Aggie." They are Texas A$M aggy or simply aggy.

Finally, a solution for the Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes

2009-11-24T11:09:00.004-05:00

It has taken a columnist for the Wall Street Journal, but we finally have a solution to save Notre Dame and the University of Michigan from mediocrity and imminent demise.

Let's Fix Michigan and Notre Dame!

Five things we learned last week...

2009-11-23T10:43:00.001-05:00

The college football season is winding up this week and the Big Eleven is preparing for its annual hibernation. However, I still learned some things, and here they are:

Northeastern University had a football team. That’s right, Northeastern University (formerly of the D1-FCS Colonial Athletic Association) has dropped its football program after 74 years. I would like to be the first to praise the administrators, faculty and alumni who have made this decision. I am eternally at a loss to understand why certain schools (like this private school in Boston), waste time and money fielding football teams no one cares about. Let’s face it, Appalachian State had the highest attendance for the FCS division and it only drew 25,161. That said, this would get them to #80 in the FBS list. So where am I going here? I am imploring the schools on the list drawing less than 20k per game to cease operations immediately. Focus on basketball. There’s nothing wrong with that. STOP POURING MONEY INTO A SPORT THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR SCHOOL PLAYING!

There were some Mississippi State fans at the Ole Miss-LSU game. Ok, I don’t know who they root for, but there was a certain display in Oxford on Saturday that I can only attribute to people that want to hurt recruiting at Ole Miss. Evidently, the Klan was in the house for the LSU game sporting the second stupidest costumes on campus (behind the aforementioned “pimp” costumes) to protest the removal of From Dixie with Love. Apparently, their stunt worked, and a number of recruits didn’t show up for a wonderful game with a crazy (“did I just see that”) ending against a bitter rival. Nice. Thanks assholes. For the record, I think ceasing the song was the right decision, but I’m not one for tradition unless it’s winning. I know folks disagree, and that’s their right, but let’s face it, when the KKK is on your side, you’re probably picked the wrong side to be on in the first place.

It’s going to be a rough couple of weeks for the New Mexico Universities. With TCU closing out against the University of New Mexico and Boise State finishing with Nevada and then New Mexico State, these last couple weeks promise to be ugly for fans of the Lobos and Aggies. Both BSU and TCU need style points to prove that they’re worthy of the second at-large spot behind the automatic qualifier. The fall of the Irish is a big help, but I don’t think either team wants any of the box score reading poll voters to get confused about how much they dominated their opponent, so look for an ass whoopin’ of biblical proportions to be handed down to the New Mexico schools.

Oregon and Arizona played the most exciting game many people missed. Due to a blackout of much of the nation attributed to ESPN GamePlan, the Oregon/Arizona slugfest was missed by most of the south and Midwest. While this presents the upside of missing Arizona in those horrendous all red uniforms, it’s still sad. With ABC/ESPN owning so many stations, is it too much to ask for both national games on TV for free in HD?

Charlie Weis is toast. From his own mouth “If they decide to make a change, I’d have to say I’d have a tough time arguing with them.” Dead man walking.

Jordan Jefferson and Les Miles: not geniuses

2009-11-21T19:13:00.003-05:00

Good lord. If you're not gonna try to get your placekicker on the field, then don't SPIKE THE BALL with one second left!! This one will go down as one of the most perplexing endings to a game of all time.

Time to find a bar to watch Texas-KU...

The passing of a devoted Buckeye

2009-11-20T07:26:00.002-05:00

I don't like being the bearer of bad news, but the jubilation of Buckeye Nation (in light of clinching the Rose Bowl and preparing to annihilate Michigan) has been tempered by the loss of Stefanie Spielman, who finally succumbed to a decade-long struggle with cancer.

This one kind of hits close... an acquaintance of about the same age as Stefanie (42) was hit with it last year, and my own mother was close to that age when she got it. I and my better half are pretty close to that age too... I still think of myself as somewhat young and don't really think about my own mortality, or the mortality of those I love, but this is a reminder that we're all finite.

Cancer sucks. For more information on it and the Spielmans' story go here.

Anyway, rest in peace Stefanie. Everybody keep Chris and their kids in your thoughts today.

Greatest Board Game EVER!

2009-11-19T11:02:00.007-05:00

Many thanks to the "sorta football related" blog Opinionated Catholic for finding the Mississippi State Board Game. It's about a year old, but it is still Hilarious. Enjoy!

See a bigger image here.

Fla. governor wants Bowden back as Seminole coach

2009-11-19T10:51:00.002-05:00

An interesting and little known side note to this story is that Crist played quarterback for Wake Forest despite graduating for FSU. Coincidence?

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/sports/2010301752_apfbccristbowden.html?syndication=rss

SEC Rankings Week 11

2009-11-17T21:02:00.000-05:00

1. Alabama – No changes here. Saban’s crew finally blew somebody out. I don’t think anybody was expecting that. Sleeper against Chattanooga this weekend.

2. Florida – As expected the game against USC was tight. Sleeper against Fl. Intl. this weekend.

3. LSU – If Lee plays a large number of snaps against Ole Miss the Bayou Bengals are in trouble. Big trouble.

This is where it gets interesting.

Georgia, South Carolina, Ole Miss, Auburn, Arkansas, and Tennessee have all cannibalized each other. Sure, you could say that Ole Miss beat the hell out of Arkansas and Tennessee so they should be ranked higher than these. However Ole Miss lost to USC and got whooped by Auburn. South Carolina took Ole Miss down but lost to Tennessee. None of these teams have done a damn thing to make a consistent move to the upper tier of the SEC. Thus I am ranking them even (at this point).

10. State - The pseudo dawgs laid an egg against Alabama. Nobody really cares. Huge game against the Razorbacks this weekend.

11. Kentucky - The Underachiever Cats beat Vandy (MSU’s bitch). Whoop de doo.

12. Vandy (MSU’s bitch) – The annual loss to Tennessee is this weekend.

Dear Idiot LSU Fans That Dress Up Like "Pimps"

2009-11-16T21:00:00.003-05:00

If you have been to an LSU home or away football game over the past fives seasons you have seen them. Sometimes they are even shown on television during games. Who do I speak of? The imbecile LSU fans who dress like "pimps". Why do I use parenthesis around the word pimps? Because no real pimp dead or alive would be caught in these clothes. Yes, they are that bad. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

What makes these idiots so intolerable? They are attention whores whose self esteem is so poor and their judgement so skewed they think their actions are somehow cool. News Flash: You people aren't cool. Nobody is laughing with you (except maybe a handful of equally brain-dead LSU fans) they are laughing at you. Remember the scene in I'm Gonna Git You Sucka when Fly Guy finally gets out of prison and gets back on the street to establish his rightful place? Yeah, people chased him down the street pointing and laughing. Why? Because he was dressed like an imbecile. You idiots dress even worse.

So when you fools go to sleep tonight just remember that you are indeed a bunch of fools who will do anything for attention. When was the last time you admired somebody who committed outlandish acts for attention? Exactly.

Five things we learned this week…

2009-11-15T17:01:00.000-05:00

After another exciting week watching football, I learned some things. Here they are:

Dexter McCluster’s draft stock is rising faster than the price of gold. McCluster had 324 all-purpose yards versus a good Volunteer defense Saturday in an absolute beat-down of the Vols. He is still the most underrated player in the country, but after Saturday, I can guarantee that there are some NFL scouts taking notice, especially considering the weapon that ECU grad Chris Johnson has become for the Titans despite being 5’ 10”, 200lbs.
South Carolina is giving Oregon a run for their money in the category of “Ugliest Alternate Uniforms”. Patriotism aside, those uniforms with the camouflage sleeves were hideous. I did think that the replacement of the players names with words associated with the armed forces such as courage, honor and service was a nice touch, but I spent much of the third quarter looking for the player with “Homophobia” on his back.
The Cardinal is on the rise. Stanford is a university that I don’t think of much. When I do, I think of a school largely populated by smart, rich kids and a mascot only slightly less stupid than the Hilltopper. That said, Jim Harbaugh has taken a page out of Pete Carroll’s book on how to build a program at an academically elite university. Hopefully, the AD at Stanford will take a page out of Southern Cal’s book and throw money at him if he keeps winning (Note for any Notre Dame athletic personnel, read the last two words of that sentence).
Holy shit, Dion Lewis is fast. Though the Panthers tried to give the victory away to the Irish, they managed to pull out the “W” thanks in part to the 152 yards put up by Lewis. For those who care about such things, the 7.2 yards he averaged against the Irish was second only to the 7.9 he averaged against Buffalo. That brings us to…
Charlie Weis is sooo fired. Unless Charlie has pictures of John I. Jenkins with an altar boy (doubtful), he’ll be back in the NFL next year and Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes will be hiring their third coach since 2002. Maybe Weis can call Brady Quinn’s realtor.

Five things we learned last week...

2009-11-12T15:04:00.003-05:00

So, I’ve been in Philadelphia, PA since Sunday morning on business. I can say without hyperbole that I feel like I’ve walked into an alternate universe where college sports don’t exist. You wouldn’t know by talking to folks, going to bars, or any other exchanges that the college football season exists. It’s really sad. Other than that, I’ve learned some things.

Say what you will about C-USA and the University of Houston, but they put on an exciting show come Saturday. If you didn’t stay up Saturday night to watch Houston/Tulsa (and judging by the ratings, you didn’t), you missed one of the wildest finished that didn’t involve PAC-10 teams, an annoying marching band, and at least one forward lateral. I can’t say that it’s especially good football when almost 90 points are scored, but it was entertaining in the same way HS football is horrendous for the most part yet strangely entertaining.
The addition of the 12^th game to the schedule was a worse decision than Joanie Loves Chachi. Now I know that unlike JLC, the 12^th games garner a) an audience, and b) profit. However, you can argue that Furman v. Auburn is similarly unwatchable. Now I appreciate the instant W that a game against Northern Arizona brings, but seriously, the long regular season is one of the arguments against a playoff. On a personal note, I seriously think something is wrong with me after realizing that I knew the correct spelling of “Chachi” but not “Joanie”. I need a drink.
I’m sending a check to the Navy athletic program. Now, my hatred of the Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes is well documented. As expected, I was giddy as a school girl when the Midshipmen knocked off the Irish in South Bend for the second time in a row. With two different coaches. Predicated on their defense, rendering that bloated pile of arrogance one loss to Pitt from heading back to the NFL with his tail between his legs. At least he has his money to keep him happy and evidently, well fed.
The Heisman is going to get Weinked™ this year. “Weinked” is my new term for the occasional event where there is no exceptional QB or RB in the land who plays for a winning team in a BCS conference (the criteria for the Heisman Trophy voters the best I can tell), but they have to give the trophy away, so they give it to a good player on a winning team who plays one of those two positions on a BCS conference team. There are a number of deserving players who play QB (see Keenum, Casey), other offensive positions (see Shipley, Jordan), or (gasp) defense (see Suh, Ndamukong). Unfortunately, two of the aforementioned positions are not QB or RB, and the third has been rendered moot since 1989 (see Ware, Andre).
At least 85 D1 schools have assistant coaches who have higher salaries than the head coach at UL-M. While Charlie Weatherbie isn’t going to have to start delivering pizzas anytime soon, his $160,000 salary is less than at least 71 assistant coaches for whom USA Today has data, and possibly more since the schools not reporting were often private schools (e.g., Wake, Duke). Plus, many schools have more than one coach making more than Weatherbie. On the upside, $160k goes a long way in Monroe, LA since there is very little to spend it on.

Three Tennessee Volunteers charged in attempted armed robbery

2009-11-12T11:43:00.000-05:00

Just in case you missed it, looks like the Vols are keeping some long standing traditions intact under their new coaching staff.

Three Tennessee Volunteers charged in attempted armed robbery - NCAA Football - SI.com

Pickin' Again

2009-11-11T21:12:00.001-05:00

Yeah, this picking games thing isn’t going well. After last week’s 2-4 performance I am 15-23 for the season. Yep, 39%. This sucks. Ahh sweet liquor…. eases the pain. At least I keep the picks entertaining. There are only three games I like this week. Fewer games does equal a lighter fall….

Kentucky -3 vs. Vandy (MSU’s bitch) My Pick: Kentucky
I know. You don’t have to tell me. I swore off Kentucky. Well, I like them to cover against Vandy (MSU’s bitch). The Underachiever Cats have been playing like well…. underachievers. What better opportunity to salvage some pride.

Tennessee vs. Ole Miss -3.5 My Pick: Tennessee
Seriously, what rational human thinks Ole Miss’ offense is going to put up enough points to score? Seriously? The Rebel offense has only played well in one SEC game so far and that was against a terrible Arkansas defense. The Vol defense is salty. They fly to the ball and hit hard. Eric Berry may set a record for sacks and interceptions in one game. Yeah, he is that good. If I had a Heisman vote he would get it. He IS the best football player in the country.

Miami (FL) -5.5 vs. UNC My Pick: UNC
Hey, I really like the way the Tar Heels have been playing ball. They get extra rest after playing last Thursday. The Canes are completely schizo. I think Butch has the Heels ready.

SEC Rankings Week 10

2009-11-10T17:35:00.001-05:00

1. Alabama – The AL vs. LSU game was your typical high-powered SEC contest - great physical ball game with the refs doing everything possible to help Alabama. Could the ref have waited any longer to throw the flag when McElroy was dropped for a safety? When he realized he HAD to throw the flag he looked absolutely sick. The only penalties against AL were not subjective. Oh, and it was clearly an interception – even by NFL rules. This is not even remotely debatable. If you follow SEC football rabidly you know refs have been cheating in Alabama’s favor for years. What happened to LSU Saturday was no surprise. “Surly” has been listening to me preach this for years and for years he has scoffed. He is now a believer. The Tide will take care of the pseudo bulldogs but it will be pretty close.

2. Florida – Like most good teams Florida is improving as the season progresses. They are learning to adjust to life without Harvin. The Gators will handle USC but any time Spurrier faces his alma mater it is interesting.

3. LSU – Welcome to the club, LSU. Not that you weren’t a member already. SEC officials on national TV in a game against Alabama have now raped you. Bayou Bengals snooze against LA Tech this weekend. Don’t feel too sorry for the Tigahs, they have gotten a few “breaks” over the years. The 1972 game against Ole Miss comes to mind.

4. Tennessee – Big game against Ole Miss this weekend. Coach O will be returning to Oxford. Don’t expect a warm welcome from either side. I think Monte Kiffin will have his way with the Reb offense unless the Jevan Snead that knows how to play shows up. I’m betting “good Jevan” doesn’t enter the stadium.

5. Arkansas – Congratulations, kind of. South Carolina handed you a victory. Good job not screwing it up. Have fun against Troy this weekend.

6. Georgia – The Dawgs should beat Auburn. They have more talent and winning this one would somewhat salvage their season….. somewhat. As you will read in the lines below as far as this game goes I say pick em’.

7. Auburn – Auburn’s offense is coming together. The question is will it fall apart again? The Plainsmen/Tigers/War Eagle play UGA this weekend. I say pick em’.

8. South Carolina – Way to screw the pooch, USC. Spurrier obviously called Nutcliffe for advice on losing games you should win. Playing Florida close this weekend will not get the Cocks any sort of redemption. Why? When you run around the field pulling your pud instead of playing football you lose respect for the remainder of the season. See you next year, Gamecocks.

9. State – The psuedo Bulldogs were open this weekend. I look for the AL game to be better than anyone expects.

10. Ole Miss – The game against TN is up to one man – Jevan Snead. The Reb defense should limit the Vols but you can’t compete if you can’t score points. If Snead plays like he has in all conference games this year (except Arkansas) the Vols will win very easily. If “good Snead” shows up it will be a very tight game.

11. Kentucky – The Underachiever Cats get Vandy (MSU’s bitch) this weekend. I think I hear crickets.

12. Vandy (MSU’s bitch) – Yes, I definitely hear crickets.

McRib weekly ass suck award: South Carolina

When your best team in years loses badly to a mediocre program’s worst team in years you deserve a public flogging. The USC coaches’ salaries and player scholarships should be pro-rated and the past two weeks should be repaid. They sure as hell haven’t earned em’. This is not asking too much, anyone in corporate America with a similar performance two weeks in a row would be fired.

Jerry Jones is trying to reinstate Prohibition

2009-11-07T10:41:00.003-05:00

The drink policy at Dallas Cowboys stadium is positively draconian. How can anyone be expected to enjoy a college football game in these circumstances? Per the Guest Information for Jerry World, attendees of this year's Big XII title game--including yours truly!--will have to observe the following:

There will be a two (2) beer limit, per transaction, at concession stands and portable concessions.
There will be a one (1) beer limit, per person, by a roving vendor.

Honestly, watching Texas pummel whatever piece of crap the Big XII North sends is going to get tedious. We've gotta do something to get through it. Next we'll probably find out that they don't allow drugs either. If we're not allowed to self-medicate through it, can they please arrange a real opponent so that the game has some entertainment value?

Assessing the unbeatens

2009-11-05T21:05:00.006-05:00

It's November now... dark when I come home from work, it's chilly and gray, and a regular season that seems like it just started is two-thirds of the way over. Big boy college football, amazingly, still has 7 unbeaten teams. Given that the Bowl Championship "Series" to crown a winner is not, in fact, a series, it's time to conjecture about who will win the beauty contest, who's going to have to settle for Miss Congeniality, and who will get knee-capped before even reaching the swimsuit competition. The contenders:

Boise State (8-0)
Remaining schedule: Louisiana Tech, Idaho, Utah State, Nevada, New Mexico State.
The Broncos are apparently going to continue playing games right up until bowl season in an attempt to impress the voters--they are trying to get a mid-December matchup with the Cleveland Browns on the schedule. BSU will almost certainly win out, and even though that Oregon win looks nice, they will almost certainly not make it to the title game. At least 5 other unbeatens, and maybe a couple of one-loss teams, would have to lose again. They will have to be content with another Fiesta Bowl invite.

TCU (8-0)
Remaining schedule: San Diego State, Utah, Wyoming, New Mexico.
I actually like this team a lot--the offense is not flashy but efficient, and the defense will knock you on your rear end. The Utah game gives them another shot at a ranked opponent, and the Clemson win doesn't look bad in the rearview. Gary Patterson has been really close to the unbeaten season before, and ended up screwing it up... I don't think that happens this year. They will go unbeaten, and if it comes down to Boise or TCU to take one BCS at-large spot, it's gonna be the Frogs. They would need several upsets to happen to reach the MNC, though.

Cincinnati (8-0)
Remaining schedule: UConn, West Virginia, Illinois, Pitt.
I never would have thought it possible at the beginning of the year, but this team could play for it all if the chips fall right. A couple of tough tests left (Pitt, WVU), and the only real clunker left on the schedule is, ironically enough, a Big T(elev)en team. Brian Kelly has evidently signed the rights to his soul to Mephistopheles--there is no way a team should lose 10 defensive starters and its starting QB and still play this well. I don't think Cincy leaps an unbeaten Florida, Bama, or Texas, but if a couple of those drop... who knows? I am also pretty convinced that Cincy will go unbeaten, should pass TCU and Boise by the end of the season, and will still end up having to settle for some lovely parting gifts rather than the main prize.

Iowa (9-0)
Remaining schedule: Northwestern, Ohio State, Minnesota.
How in the hell a team can still be unbeaten after the QB throws 5 interceptions in one game--against freakin' INDIANA--is beyond me. If Brian Kelly sold his soul to the devil, then Kirk Ferentz signed away the entire population of Iowa City. That game in Columbus could be a minefield, but maybe not. Ohio State has big-game-sphincter-puckerage and may be a very fragile team if they get pulverized by Penn State--if OSU should fall behind Iowa early it will probably be over. At this point, though it defies all logic, I will not pick against Iowa. They will probably get 23 safeties to beat Minnesota, get past Northwestern due to a sudden outbreak of sunspots, and score four special teams TDs to beat Ohio State. I know that makes no sense, but neither does the Hawkeyes' season to date. However Iowa probably needs Cincy, Texas, and one of FloriBama to lose to sniff the title game. I don't think Iowa moves any higher in the polls, and Cincy could pass them. The sins of Ohio State's MNC faceplants are visited upon the Hawkeyes.

Texas (8-0).
Remaining schedule: Central Florida, Baylor, Kansas, Texas A$M, Big XII title game.
The Horns haven't clinched the Big XII title game yet, but I'm betting they'll beat Baylor and KU to sew the thing up. The trip to College Station to play aggy will be a jihad, like sending the Israeli national soccer team to play the Taliban in Kandahar. Aggy will be sky-high, they have some nice skill position talent, and that game scares me. I don't see Texas losing anything else. God knows what scum will float to the top of the Big XII North pond, but it's hard to imagine anyone giving Texas much of a game there. If the Longhorns win out they're in the MNC game... but I'm not convinced they win in Hooterville on Thanksgiving night. Cincy may well be the beneficiary of a Longhorn loss.

Alabama (8-0).
Remaining schedule: LSU, Mississippi State, Chattanooga, Arn Bow', and SEC title game.
Bama doesn't have the SEC title game locked up, but I'm betting they'll get past LSU and wrap up the SEC West by beating M'ippi State. Bama seems to be trying to eke out every game without actually scoring touchdowns--interesting strategy; let's see how it plays out for them. (By the way, CHATTANOOGA?? For shame.) If they win out, they're in the MNC, but I'm not convinced they'll get past...

Florida (8-0).
Remaining schedule: Vanderbilt, South Carolina, Florida International, Bobby Bowden death-knell tour, SEC title game.
Due to the unexpected ineptitude of the SEC East, the Gators are in the title game. The remaining schedule, up to that game, really doesn't look that challenging. Florida's offense is a shell of last year's, but they still run the ball like a freight train and get enough defensive stops. Against Bama I'd tend to give the edge to the Gators--St Tebow is still capable of taking over a game and carrying a team, whereas Bama's QB... yikes. I might have been wrong; he might not be an upgrade over John Parker Wilson after all. Like Bama, if Florida wins out, they're in. I'm betting Florida DOES win out, and that they ARE in.

Yet More Picks

2009-11-04T21:15:00.000-05:00

Yeah, last week sucked. I started off with a big UNC win Thursday night. It was all down-hill from there. I am now 13-19 and have fallen to 41%. Screw you Miami (FL), screw you UGA, screw you USC (take away those 21 turnover points you handed Tennessee and you bastards win that game!), screw you Seminoles, and screw you Ole Miss. Screw you hard, Rebels. Everybody in the free world had Ole Miss -3 at Auburn as the lock of the week. With the exception of the opening drive every time the Rebels had the ball the theme music from the Benny Hill Show should have been playing. Enough of that, here are this week’s picks:

UConn vs. Cinci -12 My Pick: Cinci
Cincinnati is flat out good. Brian Kelly is one hell of a coach. This is a mid major I actually believe in (sorry TCU).

USC vs. Arkansas -4.5 My Pick: USC
After handing the game to Tennessee in the 1st quarter Spurrier will have the Gamecocks ready. Arkansas’ defense sucks. Forget what you saw last week, USC really can rush the passer. Mallett is the best pro qb prospect in the country but he would lose a scrambling competition in the Special Olympics (Did I really go there? Yeah, I’ve had too many beers).

Vandy (MSU’s bitch) vs. Florida -35 My Pick: Vandy (MSU’s bitch)
The UF offense is getting better but so is the Vandy (MSU’s bitch) offense. Don’t get me wrong; Vandy (MSU’s bitch) will get clobbered. I just don’t think they get clobbered by 35. I may be crazy but I think the Dores control the ball enough to lose by less than 35. Folks, that is a big spread.

LSU vs. Alabama -10 My Pick: LSU
They Bayou Bengals are the worst top 10 team in the country. They also hate Saban more than they hate…. Ok, they hate Saban more than any being on God’s green Earth. This game is in Tuscaloosa where the Tigahs traditionally play very well. Don’t get me wrong, I think AL wins this game. I just think AL wins by less than 10.

Oregon -5.5 vs. Stanford My Pick: Oregon
Believe it or not I have watched most of Oregon’s games. They didn’t impress early but have come on incredibly strong the past few weeks. Even if the Ducks have an emotional let down after last week’s shellacking of Southern Cal they should beat Stanford by 10.

Kent St. -2 vs. Akron My Pick: Kent St.
Here is the extent of my Kent St. knowledge: Lou Holtz went there and Neil Young’s song Ohio is about a tragic even there. I’ll be honest; I need some wins in a bad way. I have picked against the Zips twice and twice the Zips have come through. Am I going to the well one too many times? Maybe. Am I willing to take that chance? Yes. Go (insert whatever Kent St.’s mascot is here)!

SEC Rankings Week 9

2009-11-03T21:24:00.003-05:00

Teams that play well get recognition. Hey, they deserve it. Teams that play poorly get little recognition. With that said I have decided the downtrodden deserve weekly recognition. From here on out I will be presenting the McRib award to the team that sucked the most ass the previous week. Why name an award after the McRib? Because the McRib sucks ass. Seriously, processed pork pressed into a mold resembling a small rack of ribs (they even added fake grill marks!)…. topped with raw onions, pickle, and nasty McDonald’s BBQ sauce? That right there sucks ass.

1. Alabama – Big date with LSU this weekend. LSU has a good track record in Tuscaloosa. The Tide will win and this brawl of a game will be very close.

2. Florida – The offense looked much better against UGA who was nice enough to give the Gators a short field numerous times. The Gators have Vandy (MSU’s bitch) this weekend. Which Vandy (MSU’s bitch) will show up? Your guess is as good as mine but FL will win regardless.

3. LSU – This is your wake up call, LSU. Four games remain. Three are against division opponents. Win three of four and all is relatively well in Baton Rouge. Don’t let the close score this weekend fool you; AL is much better than LSU.

4. Tennessee – TN’s uniforms were hideous enough as they were. It was not necessary to punish the viewing audience. TN + black jerseys = Battlefield Earth sequel starring Keanu Reaves. Why take something bad and make it worse? Anyway, the Vols played a great game against USC. When USC gave gifts the Vols turned those gifts into points. TN should have fun beating up Memphis St. this weekend.

5. South Carolina – It was awfully nice of Spurrier’s offense to spot Tennessee 21 points. USC had everything to play for and blew their foot off with both barrels in the 1st quarter against TN. However they did not suck as hard as another SEC team Saturday, more on that later. Look for the Cocks to bounce back and win a close one in Fayetteville this weekend.

6. Georgia – UGA played pretty well early against Florida and then fell apart. The good news for Dawg fans is they did show signs of improvement and heart. The bad news is they aren’t well enough coached to hang with upper tier teams. Folks, the talent is there.

7. Auburn – Don’t get excited, AU. You are in this spot because a giant turd invaded Jordan-Hare Saturday. AU did take advantage of the giant turd and for that some credit must be given. Not too much credit, even Vandy (MSU’s bitch) would have beaten the giant turd. The Plainsmen should win the pillow fight this weekend against Furman easily.

8. State – The pseudo Bulldogs played tough against Kentucky. I’ll be more specific, Anthony Dixon put cow college on his back and plowed his way to a big win. I’m still amazed at the improvement from last year. Dan Mullen has done an outstanding job in the land that fun forgot. The pseudo Dawgs are open this weekend.

9. Kentucky – I am officially off Kentucky’s bandwagon. In case you didn’t see it (and I’m pretty sure hardly anybody did) Kentucky played very uninspired football against State. However, there was one SEC team that sucked worse last weekend. Cakewalk this weekend against Eastern Kentucky.

10. Ole Miss – The Rebs forgot to take their meds before Saturday’s game against Auburn and had a major schizophrenic episode. Way to go, Rebs. You have pissed away the 2009 season in which you SHOULD have contended for the SEC West. Luckily for Coach Nuttcliffe* the Rebs get Northern Arizona this weekend. *For those that didn’t figure it out this is a combination of Houston Nutt and David Cutcliffe. Coach Nutt earned this honor by doing his best to imitate Cutcliffe’s performances in Tuscaloosa at Auburn last Saturday. If (and it is a huge if) Nutcliffe can beat TN or LSU he will be given back his real name. If not he will be stuck with this name indefinitely.

11. Arkansas – Big game this weekend against USC. The Hogs better play well if they want to go bowling.

12. Vandy (MSU’s bitch) – Leave it to the worst team in the SEC to show how crappy the ACC really is.

Inaugural McRib Weekly Award Winner…. Ole Miss

There really was no other choice. Congratulations, Rebs. You sucked the most ass last Saturday. Not all Rebels were terrible Saturday. Dexter McCluster, Jesse Grandy, and most of the defense played fairly well. These performances were overshadowed by the rest of Nutcliffe’s crew. The Ole Miss offensive line sucked harder than a Guamanian prostitute at a Navy bar. Jevan Snead stank as well. When your QB stinks the outcome is usually bad. Thanks to this colossal performance of sucking Gene Chizik will be sending Houston Nuttcliffe Christmas cards for years to come.

Ohio State-Penn State preview, from OSU point of view

2009-11-03T20:48:00.005-05:00

We all know how RC Slocum of the North approaches big games. As a partially-rehabilitated but very frustrated Buckeye fan, I don't see the need to devote any more space to this one.

Six things we learned in the last two weeks...

2009-11-01T17:26:00.002-05:00

After a week off, I’m back to talk about the things I’ve learned recently (with a bonus observation). Here they are:

I have no idea when one week ends and the other begins anymore. No, this isn’t a result of my recreational drug use in college. It’s because of these Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday night college football games we’re getting on a regular basis. Now, I kinda like having them available, and they used to give smaller programs much needed exposure leading to the parity we (or at least I) are enjoying today. That said, do we really need an ACC game on Thursday?
Ole Miss is headed to Shreveport. Remember when sports writers were beating each other up to promote the Rebels as the Cinderella story of the year? Yea me too. Unfortunately, I’m also a realist, and knew it was too good to be true. After watching the Rebels struggle mightily with a team that ECU just kicked the shit out of last week (this week?), I knew we were in trouble. Now that Jevan Schaeffer is regressing, I fear that the good feelings are gone for the season.
We might get a really good championship game this year. Right now, it looks like we will get Texas versus Alabama/Florida, which should be a great match-up, regardless of the winner of the SEC. Now, if Texas loses the Big 12 Championship, we might get the winner of Alabama/Florida versus Iowa/Cincinnati/TCU/Boise State. As much as I would love to see the ratings nightmare smack the bastards at the BCS right in the face, I can’t imagine that being much of a game.
Anyone who tells you that the ACC isn’t horrible is smoking crack. There are a lot of mediocre teams this year, and every conference has their fair share of them. That said, the ACC doesn’t have any great teams, or very good teams for that manner. Georgia Tech is pretty good, as is Virginia Tech and to a lesser extent, Miami, but when the team with the second best conference record (i.e., Duke) has a loss to Richmond on its record, your conference sucks.
Don’t look now, but the SDSU Aztecs are a .500 team and might become bowl eligible. I know that most of you don’t give a shit, but the Aztecs are two games from bowl eligibility with two winnable games on the slate (Wyoming at home and UNLV in Vegas). Considering that the team won two games total last year, this is pretty impressive. Mark my words, but the Aztecs will be the next “Who did you say is 10-2?” team in the mold of Utah, BYU and BSU in the next couple of years.
Something must be done about mid-season 12^th “cupcake” game. I like watching my team put up PS3 numbers against inferior teams as much as the next guy. You feel good that the liberal arts college in your state gets a big check for its program and your team gets a guaranteed W. That said, it’s only acceptable to schedule this game for the first week of the year. Since we got the bullshit 12^th game added a few years back, we’ve gotten a steady stream of non-competitions. What makes this worse is that they’ve moved to the middle and end of the season now. This leaves us with must see games such as Clemson-Coastal Carolina, Michigan-Delaware State, and the forthcoming Ole Miss-Northern Arizona and Minnesota-South Dakota State games. Listen, if none of your players knew that the school existed prior to reading the season schedule, don’t play them after September.

In honor of Oregon...

2009-10-31T23:47:00.003-04:00

A huge victory screech for an eye-opening, dominant beatdown of the USC Trojans. The rest of the Pac 10, nay, practically the rest of the college football world, thanks you. RC Slocum of the North will probably just grimace and mutter something to himself when he sees these highlights, though.

Much smaller screech for Will Muschamp and the Texas defense for giving Zac Robinson years of therapy. The Albatross can get bent, though.

Samhain for Oklahoma State: Texas' last visit to Stillwater

2009-10-31T14:12:00.002-04:00

The Texas Longhorns have developed quite a talent for sadistically toying with Oklahoma State--the Horns build the Pokes' hopes to a fever pitch, and then rip their hearts out as quickly and ruthlessly as an Aztec high priest performing a cardiectomy on some poor Spanish conquistador on the altar to Huitzilopochtli. [Editors' note: yes, we had to Google it to check the spelling.] Let's revisit some of these games, shall we?

In 2004, the Pokes rolled into Austin and built a 35-7 second quarter lead on the back of some ridiculously good offensive play coupled with Texas mistakes. The Horns' response was to score TDs on seven straight possessions spanning the end of the first half to the fourth quarter, and Texas won 56-35.
In 2005, in Stillwater, Texas once again started lethargically, gave up some trick plays, and fell behind 28-9 in the second quarter. Several Vince Young highlights later, Texas won 47-28.

For sheer evil malice, however, not much compares to the Longhorns' game in Stillwater in 2007. The Texas team of that year was dysfunctional on defense and erratic on offense--Colt McCoy vacillated between spectacular to awful from game to game, sometimes within a game--and had struggled mightily to beat the likes of Central Florida and Arkansas State. Kansas State had handed Texas Mack Brown's worst home loss ever. Nothing indicated that Texas was capable of what they did on this day... but then again, it was a Texas-Oklahoma State game.

Right on cue, Texas looked miserable on both sides of the ball and trailed 14-0 early. Circumstances were so bad that Mack Brown lost his mind in a game for possibly the first time ever:

The tantrum didn't help, however, as the Longhorns fell behind further, 21-0. The Pokes were carving Texas up (they actually ended up with 594 yards of offense for the game), and Colt didn't help matters by throwing THREE interceptions to the same guy, one of which was returned for a score. Despite showing some signs of life, the Longhorns were down 35-14 at the start of the fourth quarter.

From that point on, the annual autumn nightmare of the Oklahoma State Cowboys commenced. Courtesy of the Longhorns Video Archive, you can watch the carnage unfold here, complete with awful quasi-hiphop soundtrack and an announcer who repeatedly butchers "Chris Ogbonnaya" (it's OH-buh-nigh-uh). I'm pretty sure Mike Gundy is crying behind his shades at the end.

Texas has beaten OSU 11 straight times, and the tailback who gashed the Pokes repeatedly that day is now in the NFL. (On the other hand, the QB who went nuts for the Longhorns in the fourth quarter IS still there.) The streak has to stop sometime, right? Right.... SURE it does. I'm sure OSU is just positive that they're gonna pull this one out. Yep. You betcha. NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. MARK IT DOWN...
...

But I'm betting there are more nightmares in store for Okie State, personally.

NCAA causes massive drop in QRND Index

2009-10-29T20:40:00.002-04:00

Earlier this week, the NCAA caused a drastic 50% drop in the Quality Receivers Named Dez Index when they decided to suspend Oklahoma State wide receiver and physical freak Dez Bryant for the remainder of the 2009 season. As far as this blogger knows, college football is down to one Quality Receiver Named Dez, that being Dez Briscoe of Kansas.

Aside from possibly wrecking the QRND permanently, the NCAA demonstrated once more that it seems to be staffed by petty bureaucrats who revel in vicious, mean-spirited displays of power. Bryant received the suspension for lying to investigators about his interactions with Deion Sanders. The NCAA's concern is that Sanders may have introduced Bryant to sports agents, which would be a violation. Does the NCAA have any firm evidence that such occurred? No, apparently not. A year-long suspension (Bryant is technically suspended until September 2010) is apparently justified, they feel, based on "concerns." Um, okay. If the janitor at the NCAA office is "concerned" that Matt Barkley is getting paid by Snoop Dogg, would that be enough to ban Barkley? Good lord.

Make no mistake about it: the NCAA penalized Bryant because he was an easy target. Forget any sanctimonious nonsense about protecting the integrity of amateur athletics. Bryant's case wasn't nebulous; he was ratted out by an employee at the gym where he and Sanders met. Bryant had panicked about his meeting with Sanders and lied about it to investigators, and the NCAA gleefully pounced on it with all the enthusiasm of a BMV functionary who gets to deny a license renewal because someone failed the vision test. This isn't the Reggie Bush case, in which everyone of note has been paid off and no one's talking. For an NCAA so often impotent in the face of obvious penalties, this must have been too good to be true. So they made an example of Bryant. It is rather ironic that the actions of an organization supposedly bent on protecting amateur athletics will probably push Bryant into the NFL draft, and right out of school.

This Week's Picks

2009-10-28T18:47:00.001-04:00

Last week was a very good week; I learned some new math and all my picks won. 4-0. Nice. I am now 46% with a 12-14 record. Two shy of .500 at this point in the season isn’t bad. There are six games I like this week so let’s get to it….

UNC vs. VA Tech –13.5 My Pick: UNC
VA Tech is good but they have disappointed in games they should easily cover, remember Duke? UNC should tighten things up after blowing a big lead last Thursday. The extra days of practice should help the Heels.

Miami (FL) -6.5 vs. Wake My Pick: Miami (FL)
Yes, I designate (FL) when referring to Miami (FL). The University of Miami was founded in 1925. Miami University was founded in 1809. Since the Miami in Oxford, Ohio has been around 116 years longer they don’t get a state designation. The upstart school full of yankee trust fund brats does. I must give credit to Miami (FL)’s percussion department. In case you didn’t know Miami (FL) has one of the premier percussion programs in the world. As for football Miami (FL) has been hot and cold, but they have more than enough firepower to beat Wake by 6.5.

NC State vs. FL State -7 My Pick: FL State
The Noles are coming on strong. They improve every week and have a damn good qb. Just when you thought they were returning to the form of the past few seasons they come out and play an outstanding 2nd half and put UNC away. They are hitting their stride at just the right time. Seven against NC State shouldn’t be tough to cover unless the Noles relapse.

Ole Miss -3 vs. Auburn My Pick: Ole Miss
Auburn stinks. LSU hammered them and Arkansas beat the crap out of them. Any hype around the Plainsmen is due to wins over crap teams like State and Snake Handler U. The Rebs finally remembered how to play offense. Ole Miss’ defense is the best Auburn has seen yet. This combination spells bad news for King Lowder’s plaything. Sorry King, it will be a couple more seasons before you can afford Petrino's buyout.

UGA vs. Florida -17 My Pick: UGA
I like this pick but I’m not in like with this pick. Florida’s offense is struggling big time. UGA is rested and has something to prove. Losing by less than 17 might remove some of the heat from Richt. I think the real Bulldogs of the SEC will be ready and give the Percy Harvin-less Gators a run for their money.

USC vs. Tennessee -5 My Pick: USC
Tennessee is playing much better than they did at the beginning of the season…. but I don’t believe the hype. Remember: Saban coached teams don’t blow conference foes out. I can’t wait to watch Spurrier match wits with the elder Kiffin. Ellis Johnson against the younger Kiffin? Child, please. Ellis Johnson is one of the best in the country and he has the nation’s best pass rusher. Crompton is only hitting passes on the roll out. All Johnson has to do is tell king bad ass Eric Norwood to get in Crompton’s face every play and let the other 10 guys worry about the run.

Michigan being investigated--look out Mississippi State!

2009-10-27T19:34:00.004-04:00

As was pointed out a couple of months ago, right before the season started, a bunch of disgruntled Wolverine players, past and present, began complaining that Rich Rodriguez worked them too hard, causing them to be overtired, miss classes, and suffer low self-esteem, eating disorders, hangnails, warts, gout, etc.

The NCAA, which of course moves at its own glacial pace, has decided that indeed they need to investigate, and served notice to UM on this past Friday. Essentially the NCAA has decided there's a reasonable probability of major violations and will push forward, with a stated goal of finishing the inquiry by the end of the year.

Although some Michiganders (Michiganers? Wolverines? whatever) want to downplay the investigation, having the NCAA snoop around your campus for essentially four months--i.e. early September through the end of the year--is not a recipe for calm in the athletic department. The more people are looking and asking questions, the more likely that somebody will find something, and one investigation could beget another. Interesting that UM's athletic director announced his resignation last week. Going to be VERY interesting to see what the NCAA does with this.

Personally, I think it would be damn funny if the NCAA found cause for punishment and penalized the program... by drastically shortening their practices. Let's say they are allowed only 10 hours per week rather than 20. In a sport like football, where conditioning is so important, the lingering effects of this punishment would be felt every game Saturday. Heck, maybe the Wolverines would actually benefit from such a punishment. They already seem plumb tuckered out--they were certainly a step slow against Penn State. Maybe they just need more rest, and that will make everything better!

Of course, the cynic in me judges it highly unlikely that Michigan, which has never been found guilty of a major violation, will suffer much if any punishment. Much like Notre Dame, USC, and others I could mention, this is a program with "most favored nation" status that would have to go positively Barry Switzer-corrupt to get any kind of sanction.

Some SEC school will pay for the Wolverines' transgressions--bank on it.

SEC Rankings Week 8

2009-10-27T17:27:00.000-04:00

1. Alabama – Still the best team in the country. If they didn’t play classic Saban offense they might blow somebody out. Against TN the Tide did what elite teams do – make a play with the game on the line. The Tide are off this Saturday.

2. Florida – The chinks in the offense’s armor are rusting…. rapidly. The defense is still stout. If the offense doesn’t improve this team will drop a game before December. I’m thinking it will be on November 28th against FSU. The game against team freefall (also known as UGA) this weekend will be close.

3. LSU – Again, I can’t drop them yet. With a game against Tulane this weekend they are in this spot at least another week.

4. Ole Miss – The offense is finally coming together. The defense surrendered more than one touchdown in a game for the first time Saturday. That second touchdown was also a complete fluke. The Rebs should handle Auburn without too much trouble.

5. South Carolina – Vandy (MSU’s bitch) gave the Gamecocks all they wanted. Surely Spurrier’s bunch was looking ahead to the TN game. If USC gets 20 points they will win, any less and it could be very interesting.

6. Tennessee – The Vol defense is good and getting better. The offense was atrocious and is getting better. If Tennessee can put up 3 touchdowns against USC I think they win.

7. Arkansas – Even in a bad game Mallett is impressive. He may be the best pro qb prospect in the country. This team can still salvage their season. The question is how much do they want it. Petrino is not known for building up beaten teams. The Hogs get a much-needed break from conference play against Eastern Michigan this weekend.

8. Georgia – I think the game against Florida Saturday will be close. If Arkansas’ defense can do enough to beat Florida so can UGA’s. The big question is will Richt allow the offense to be creative enough to move the ball.

9. Kentucky – The Cats better take care of business against State if they want a bowl game. The game this weekend is in Lexington and Kentucky should win.

10. Auburn – Auburn is a below average SEC football team, are we clear? Arkansas’ offense raped Aubie. LSU slapped them around like a bitch on both sides of the ball. Unless Ole Miss forgets how to play offense (doubtful, but I’m not ruling it out) they will beat the Plainsmen by at least 10 points.

11. State – The cowbell crew played pretty solid defense against Florida. The offense did very little. Can Mullen’s team win at Kentucky? I doubt it, but there is a chance.

12. Vandy (MSU’s bitch) – Way to play tough against a much better USC team. No, moral victories don’t count.

“I thought you’d be bigger”

2009-10-25T16:46:00.002-04:00

As my favorite line from Roadhouse indicates (in tribute to the late Patrick Swayze, and yes, I’ve seen Roadhouse enough times to have a favorite line) there are people, or in this post, fan bases, that you’d think would be bigger. The question is “why are some football teams so shitty when they have so much going for them?” Here is my list of the top ten schools that are bad despite having so much going for them (which I list) and why I think they’ve never achieved greatness.

University of Texas-El Paso. Pros: Large city with no pro teams. Public school. No local competition. Cons: It’s still in Texas with UT. Analysis: UTEP is a very good school in a scenic location, but unfortunately (much like many others on this list), it has no tradition. I couldn’t even find a Wikipedia page for the football program, which should tell you a little something. That said, it’s amazing that there isn’t more fan support for the football team considering the school has 20,000+ students.
San Diego State University. Pros: Major city. Cool campus. Cons: San Diego is a pro football city. Play in a pro stadium. Analysis: It’s interesting that the school actually has a winning record all time (.562) and a .500 bowl record in eight bowls. It’s also in a beautiful city. Unfortunately, the team plays in a pro stadium, and I don’t care what argument you want to try to make, playing in a pro stadium sucks ass if you’re not a professional player. It’s a constant reminder that you are second banana. That said, if Brady Hoke stays for more than four years, I guarantee they’ll end the season ranked by 2012. Not a guarantee.
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Pros: Near a large city with no pro teams. Public school. BCS conference. Cons: Four other major football schools within 100 miles. Analysis: In full disclosure, I really don’t like UNC. That said, there is no reason (besides the basketball school thing) that they aren’t a better football team. They have (and have had) good coaches, but they can’t even ascend in a horrible ACC (don’t call it parity or I’ll hit you next time I see you). The only more horrible situations that are comparable are Maryland and NC State, who can’t even blame the basketball thing.
University of Nevada-Las Vegas. Pros: Large with without a pro team. It’s freakin’ Vegas baby. The Icky Shuffle? Cons: Vegas is the girl you have sex with in college but never take to dinner and certainly never marry. Analysis: UNLV is one of those teams that I just can’t understand. There is no competition within miles. It’s a decent state school and they boast a perfect 3-0 bowl record. That said, they retained a coach for a fifth year who posted 2, 2, 2, and 5 wins. Nice.
Rice University. Pros: Major city. Cool campus. Cons: Houston is a pro football city. Small school. Stadium is really old. Analysis: Coach David Bailiff was on the cusp of being the second coach since 1966 to post a winning percentage of 43% or better. The school gave him a five year contract extension. He responded by fielding a team that is winless in eight games this season. That pretty much sums it up.
Temple University. Pros: Major city. Large school. Little regional competition. Cons: Philly is a pro football city. Play in a pro stadium. It’s in Philly. Philly is a shithole. Analysis: Philly is a shithole.
University of New Mexico. Pros: Large city without a pro team. No real in-state competition. Cons: People think that the team is nicknamed after the famous sheriff from BJ and the Bear. Analysis: Much like UNLV, you’d thing the Lobos would be better. Picturesque town, good school, no real regional rivals thanks to the mediocrity that is Arizona, Arizona State, and Colorado. The head coach punched an assistant coach, which kinda epitomizes the Lobos. On an unrelated note, Coach Mike Locksley’s wife is named Kia. Since he’s 39, I’ll assume that she’s also in her 30s, hence you can’t blame her parents for naming her after a Korean auto manufacturer. It’s kinda like that guy from office space named Michael Bolton. Sad.
University of Illinois. Pros: Mid-sized city. Public school. Cons: Lot of D1 competition within five hours. Analysis: They have 3 national championships, and unlike Ole Miss, they don’t have integration (and implied racism) to “blame” for decades of mediocrity. That said, even Uncle Fester hasn’t been able to bring them back to prominence.
University of Memphis. Pros: Major city without a professional football team. Public school. Not real hard to get admitted to. Cons: Surrounded by the SEC. Analysis: The tigers have a 4-3 all time bowl record and no discernable tradition. They claim a rivalry with Ole Miss despite losing the series 46-10-2 all time. That’s like Mark Mangino claiming a rivalry with diabetes.
Tulane University. Pros: Major city without a professional football team. It’s in freakin’ New Orleans. Cons: It’s a private school. LSU is right up the road. Stupid nickname. Analysis: It’s well known that Tulane has never recovered from leaving the SEC. That said, I think Tulane suffers from Wake Forest Syndrome, which refers to schools that are private, aren’t overwhelming academically, and field bad sports teams. While the USC and NDs of the world benefit from very good academics and national clinger-ons, the Tulanes/Wake Forest/Vandy/Miami (OH) and Baylors of the world are in sports purgatory where they will never compete annually in football despite being good schools with success in sports no one cares about (see basketball, women’s).

The best game you won't see today

2009-10-24T05:25:00.005-04:00

Thanks to the fabulous TV contracts negotiated by the Big XII (Good job, Big XII! Love that 1960s-quality TV broadcast we have to sit through on Fox every week.), the world will be denied the opportunity to see today's contest between Fightin' Texas A$M aggy and the Texas Tech Tortilla Tossers--that is, the Red Raiders. This is a damn shame, as the game has so much potential.

For starters, it will feature the nation's most prolific passing attack (Tech) against the nation's 100th-or-so ranked pass defense (aggy). Strength versus weakness--you can see the opportunities for hilarity here. For example, the 2003 contest featured Tech racing to a 17-0 first quarter lead en route to a 59-28 victory. Tech racked up 669 yards of offense in that one. If you, college-football-addicted TV viewer, love toreador defense, never punting, and four-hour games, the 2009 installment of Tech-aggy will unfortunately be the best song to never be sung.

Also, the bitter enmity between the schools means that this game brings out the essence of each. On the A$M side, we get to see aggy being aggy:

Keep squeezin' fellas--if you just crush 'em harder...

On the Tech side, the obvious disdain Mike Leach has for aggy gives us the potential for interview gems such as the following (uttered after Tech's last-minute win over aggy in 2006):

YAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!

Most critically, this year's edition takes place in Lubbock. Aside from the fact that Tech hammers aggy in Lubbock more often than not, we can always hope for postgame activities that induce deluded aggy fans to compare, quite erroneously, the evening's outcome to one of the most iconic events in Texas history. For your viewing pleasure, the minutes following Tech's 2001 shutout of aggy (12-0), set to the lilting tones of Marty Robbins:

Do your swaying and humping somewhere else next time, mmm-kay?

America, we need to ensure that we are never again denied the opportunity to witness such a joyous occasion. Write Big XII commissioner Dan Beebe. Write your senator and congress-person. Vent in your blog about it! Tech-aggy should be on television EVERY year. It's too important to miss.

Bothering to Discuss the Stiff-Armed Trophy

2009-10-22T19:52:00.003-04:00

I normally don't get wrapped up in Heisman talk--as last year demonstrated, it often goes to the person piling up the best offensive stats on a winning team, never mind that that player might surrounded by NFL-level talent at every position. Plus it can be a career achievement award (may I refer you to Eric Crouch, 2001 winner), rather than recognition of an outstanding year per se.

Having said that, I've thought about it because the presumptive "Big Three" candidates coming into the season have dropped off due to repeated injury (Sam Bradford), general stinking up the joint (Colt McCoy--sorry, Colt), and general mediocrity/benefiting from a great defense plus great running game (Tim Tebow). Halfway through the season, I can think of a couple clear front runners, plus I have my own oddball ideas about who could be deserving. Those people will not win, of course.

Case Keenum, QB, Houston. Honestly, AT THIS POINT I think I can make a better case for Case--huh huh, it's like a pun or something--than about anyone else. Top 10 in both passing yards per game and passing efficiency. 2500 yards, 19 TDs, and only 4 picks. It's not his fault UH couldn't defend the run at all against UTEP. Has 3 wins against BCS conference opponents, and 2 will look pretty good when the season's over (Texas Tech, Oklahoma State). The Okie State win plus a win against Mississippi State came on the road. If Colt Brennan can get invited to the ceremony despite beating NO ONE, Keenum should at least get an invite. The Cougars don't really have any marquee games left, though, so UH needs to keep winning, and convincingly.

Mark Ingram, TB, Alabama. Sort of the flavor du jour in tailbacks. He has a healthy 6.7 ypc currently, and has been Bama's most consistent offensive threat. Supposedly stout defenses (Ole Miss, South Carolina) have barely slowed him down. He's on pace for over 1600 yards, and Bama still has games against Tennessee, LSU, the Iron Bowl, and in all likelihood Florida, so he has plenty of chances to impress. Keenum does not.

Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati. I almost didn't put him here since he missed part of the last game, and it's not certain when he'll play again. However, he's got Cincinnati to 6-0, and although he doesn't have Keenum's video game numbers, he is top 10 in passing efficiency, and the road win against Oregon State is fairly impressive. Cincinnati still has Pittsburgh and West Virginia to go, so he has more chances to make an impression on voters. Oh, and Cincy has a late-season non-conference tilt against Illinois--a fine opportunity to pad his stats.

As far as I can tell, those are or should be front-runners. This is such a kind of wide open year, it's hard to identify other clear favorites at this point. I can't really look at anyone else and call him a "favorite." In terms of more unusual choices, here are some thoughts...

Dion Lewis, RB, Pittsburgh. Surly actually pointed this one out to me. He's only a freshman but is closing in on a thousand yards (131 ypg so far). Check out 4 of Pitt's last 5 games: home against South Florida, home against the Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes (plus Jimmy Clausen), and then on the road at West Virginia and at Cincinnati. Whoa. If he keeps having big games and Pitt manages to win some--a stretch with Dave Wannstedt as coach, I know--he is suddenly going to become very prominent.

Josh Nesbitt, QB, Georgia Tech. Don't laugh. I know he's a lousy passer. He's a WISHBONE QB in a BCS conference, where the wishbone supposedly shouldn't work. We're all told that offense was wiped off the earth in the 1980s because defenses got too fast, and after Miami beat the Yellow Jackets in September the wishbone was written off again. Well... they haven't lost since, and could conceivably run the table to finish 11-1. Tech is second in the nation in rushing offense, and again Nesbitt is a WISHBONE QB--if he doesn't make the right reads, that offense goes nowhere. Plus that one pass per game that he actually completes is really important!

Todd Reesing, QB, Kansas. He'd be closer to the top if KU had any marquee wins and had not gacked against Colorado, though that is not his fault. Reesing is a very efficient QB who's already close to 2000 yards, and KU still has games against Oklahoma, Texas, Texas Tech, and Nebraska. He has several opportunities to either wow us or be written off. It also doesn't hurt that he has Dez Briscoe, the best receiver I have seen in a long time, as his main target.

Ricky Stanzi, QB, Iowa. Well, not really. But Iowa's 7-0 start still makes no sense to me. Might as well give Stanzi the credit. They are asking him to throw more this year, and if he shines and they win road games in East Lansing and Columbus... who knows?

Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame College for Catholic Gentlemen and African American Protestant Athletes (Plus the Aforementioned Clausen). The fucker will probably get invited to the ceremony because he plays for the Irish, and they are having a relatively good year. No big wins yet, and Boston College and Pittsburgh are the only remaining opportunities for such. We can only hope the Eagles and the Panthers take care of business.

Jerrod Johnson, QB, Texas A$M. Naw, I'm just funnin' with you. Not a chance in hell. Just making sure you're still reading.

So, there you have it.... all the guys that will eventually lose to Tim Tebow, the GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER EVAR and the BEST HUMAN BEING EVAR. Lord... come the first weekend or so of December I may be a huge Tide fan.

It's Pickin' Time Again!

2009-10-21T18:07:00.004-04:00

Last week I was 2-3, which brings my season record to 8-14. 57% isn’t bad, but I can and have done much better. Here we go with this week’s picks:

Alabama -16.5 vs. Tennessee My Pick: Tennessee
The AL passing game showed some chinks in the armor last week. The AL rushing attack did not. TN plays pretty good defense. I expect this to be a low scoring game with a lot of rushes eating the clock. AL’s defense will cause Crompton to remember who he is in a hurry. With that said I think AL wins by 14.

Florida -22 vs. State My Pick: State
Meyer will not do anything to embarrass his former understudy. FL’s offense has pretty much stunk this year. Who knew that the irreplaceable cog in the Gator offense was not Tebow? The irreplaceable cog is putting up pretty good numbers for the Vikings. State has an outstanding back in Dixon and will use him to eat clock. I think FL wins by 13 or less.

GA Tech -4 vs. UVA My Pick: GA Tech
UVA stinks. GA Tech is playing much better ball than they did at the beginning of the season. GA Tech by at least 14.

Akron +9.5 vs. Syracuse My Pick: Syracuse
Yeah, this is way out of my comfort zone. Syracuse doesn’t have a good team, but they are scrappy and like to sling the ball. Akron is in the infamous “Bottom 10”. The ‘Cuse just needs to win by a TD and FG. I don't think that is asking too much.

In response to the loyal blog antagonist known as the "Damn Yankee" I have prepared an additional pick. This pick will not be included in my overall record. Now down to business, this Friday night the Marion High Patriots travel to Little Rock for a showdown with one of the storied programs in Arkansas high school football history - the Hall High Warriors. The Warriors have fallen on hard times over the last couple decades, their last conference championship was in 1993. Unfortunately for Chief Wakendah and the Warrior faithful I don't think Hall has enough to beat Marion. All I ask is that the Warriors play with heart and guts in the spirit of Warrior greats Leotis Harris, Leslie O'Neal, Kelly Suen, and Jeff Thompson.... and Warrior not so greats Michael Wyatt, "Vanilla", Tom Symons, and Scott Woodford.

Hall Warriors vs. Marion Patriots (no line) My Pick: Marion

SEC Rankings Week 7

2009-10-20T16:51:00.002-04:00

1. Alabama – The Tide continues to roll. Ingram should be in the Heisman picture. Alabama’s defense will eat Crompton alive this weekend.

2. Florida – The Gator offense has been average all year. The defense played pretty well against Arkansas, but not great. The officiating crew last weekend made a huge mistake - they got Florida and Alabama mixed up! Note to SEC officials: You are only supposed to give Alabama 30 yards of "judgement call" penalties in crucial situations. Get it right next time! The game against State will be closer than anyone expects on the scoreboard, but the Gators will dominate the line of scrimmage.

3. South Carolina – This team is good. Spurrier’s bunch will take their frustrations out on Vandy (MSU’s bitch) this weekend.

4. LSU – I really want to move LSU down but I can’t just yet. I won’t be able to next week either since they play Auburn Saturday.

5. Arkansas – This team improves every week. The Hogs are playing much better defense. Mallett really isn’t mobile, this will hurt against Ole Miss. I understand Hog fans being so bent out of shape about being prison raped by SEC officials. See, Arkansas has only been in the SEC since the early 90s. Don't worry Hogs, you have many decades of screwings ahead when playing teams the SEC protects.

6. Ole Miss – The offense finally woke up and played it’s best game of the year. If Snead and co. can keep it going they will beat Arkansas. If they can’t it will be a long day in Oxford. With that said I think the real key to this game is Ole Miss’ pass rush. Who will win? Flip a coin.

7. Kentucky – Big win on the road against Auburn. Good job, Cats. This weekend’s game against ULM won’t be much of a contest.

8. Auburn – Better competition is exposing this team. Don’t be fooled, there is plenty of talent on the plains. When the going gets tough this team doesn’t execute. I think the LSU game will be pretty close.

9. Tennessee – The Vol offense will have a new ass Saturday courtesy of the Alabama defense.

10. Georgia – Is there any reason to get excited about this team? I think I hear crickets. Maybe the upcoming open date will help.

11. State – Ok, I over estimated Middle’s talent. State absolutely owned the line of scrimmage and Dixon may be the second best back in the conference. If you have to ask who the first is you don’t follow SEC football. Again, I think this weekend’s game against Florida will be close.

12. Vandy (MSU’s bitch) – Hapless…. even by Vandy (MSU’s bitch) standards.